I’ve learned how to live comfortably in the chaos.
I breathe it in like oxygen.
I let it wash over me like a summer rain
Soaking it up like sunshine
It’s built itself up around me
Four walls and a roof
And I reside here with just my thoughts to keep me company
That’s what she was told since the day she was born. She was born stuck in a vicious cycle of self hatred and bad influences. Her father was an abuser. He had a tendency to put his hands on women, while her mom had trouble putting the bottle down. Her mother was a drinker, self medicating to deal with abuse and mental illnesses.
But she was just like her mother. She learned to deal with her emotions with Jack and a coke. She continued the cycle of self hatred and bad influences on herself, not knowing any better, having learned it from birth.
Her mother, before the bottle took hold and her depression brought her down, was a happy healthy beautiful young woman, full of love and life. One she would have killed to have had a chance to know. If only that mother was the one she could have turned out to be like. Alas, that’s not how life goes and to this day she says to herself, “You’re just like your mother.” And she was.
I need someone who isn’t afraid to look into my eyes and get swallowed whole by the darkness
Someone who knows what lurks inside my shadows and doesn’t run from it
Instead taunts it to come out and play
I need to know that you’re willing to brave Hell with me
To feel your heart blister and your flesh ignite in my hand
I need someone who can endure the heat and allow themselves to be fully engulfed in my flames
Someone who isn’t rattled by promises of bittersweet agony
Instead succumbs and embraces it
I need to feel your heart flicker and catch fire
To feel you reduce to ashes and be wind swept through my fingers
An incessant drum beat
Banging on my skull
Over and over and over
Smashing through my thoughts
Drowning everything else out
I don’t just hear it
I can feel it too
The pulsing and the pounding
Feels like I’m a time bomb
Slowly tick, tick, ticking
I better start bracing for the boom
I am built from heartache
Piece by broken piece
Shattered by your words
Scattered at your feet
Peek beneath my crumbling foundation
Through the cracks within my skin
My blood and tears became the mortar
Holding all these broken bits of me in
The sun sets and I dread the night to come
Because with the darkness come the dreams
And with the dreams come visions of what could’ve been
How we should’ve been
Hesitantly I lie my head down to slumber
Buried under the weight of the unknowing
Not being able to fight it, I succumb to the sandman’s powers
And hope that morning comes quickly
It’s nights like tonight when I lie in bed, Red bull still pumping through my veins from supper time and my dog scratching my legs as he tries to make himself comfortable under my blanket, that I over think things. I think about yesterday. I think about last week. I think about that one guy I dated 10 years ago. I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately. Mostly in my dreams, sometimes not. I wonder how he’s doing and wonder if he ever wonders how I’m doing. Probably not. I’m not the type of person people wonder about. It’s ok, I’m used to it. It’s funny because the whole time I was drinking my energy drink I was thinking that I shouldn’t because I’ll be awake all night long. Maybe that was subconsciously the plan. A means of self torture for some random shitty thing I’ve done at some random shitty time in my life. Oh well, no rest for the wicked I suppose.