There was a time when love had filled this heart. Filled it to the brim. Those days have long since passed. Life itself has diminished into a mere spectacle of what once was, what it can never truly be again. Whole, wholesome, happy. The darkness lingers like a thick mist that clouds your vision, making it hard to see what is right in front of you. Enveloping your every breath, creating a shortage in your lungs. The lackluster look on your face tells your story well, yet you say nothing at all. Everything I had worked for, hoped for, wanted was so easily lost in a matter of moments. Gone for good, gone possibly forever.
This heart is but a puzzle,
put together piece by piece.
A mind staking game of strategy
thought provoking to say the least.
But you play this game well
you know where every piece doth lie.
Built me up like a house of cards
fast forward reaching for the sky.
This game I know in and out
yet I lose it every time.
You dismantle the frame you built,
leaving only a memory of it behind.
I was just your pawn,
a simple piece upon your board.
Pre determined loser, be I,
a game manipulated from the start.
As I sit and I ponder on past reveries,
Dreams I once had that never came true.
Places I wanted to go, and things I yearned to do.
Held in this place, like a boat anchored at sea.
An ocean of wonder I had, knock knocking at my door.
But chances had slipped through the grip in my hands,
Fell to the shore and washed away with the sand.
A venture in life I’ll never get to explore.
But not all missed chances are unfortunate,
Sometimes that’s when simple pleasures prevail.
Tiny grip of a new baby’s hand, and your hearts been derailed.
Your new adventure has begun, one without a template.
A precious little one for you to love and to help grow.
Teacher, mother, confidant, and friend.
Not needed through only tomorrow, but until the very end.
This death of a dream had been foreknown.
So as I sit and ponder on my past reverie,
I smile in thought that any adventure I could take.
Not a boat, or plane, nor new pathway I could make,
Could ever bring as much joy and happiness as the life of a new mommy.
My path has been pre-determined,
there’s no way to turn back time.
I walk alone, I always have.
I may have had companionship along the way,
but ultimately it is I who have to walk this path.
To walk until the light dies out.
‘Til this road comes to the edge of the earth.
And walk this long and winding road I will.
Climbing over every downed branch,
and standing back up after every stumble.
Shaking off the dirt as I have in the past.
When the pain is too much to handle,
and my legs grow weak and weary,
I will break inside, yet I’ll keep moving.
I know that when I lose track of my way,
it’ll lead me back to this.
Back to where I belong, to resume this desolate road.
And when I reach the end,
when the edge of the earth is upon me,
I will have made it.
And peace will be upon me, and I will fall.
Fall into myself.
Into my destined ending.
I bury myself under this earth in hopes to drown out the wind.
For it cries out to me every time you come across my mind.
The storm that’s approaching is seemingly bigger than the last.
May this one bring a thunder that crashes so loudly my ears ring,
so I can no longer hear your voice.
And lightning that hits me so fiercely that I’m blinded to the sight of you.
Wiping every memory of your face from my mind.
Raindrops that will impersonate my tears, allowing my eyes to finally dry.
Let my sorrows wash away in the rivers they’ve created.
Washing away the memory as I am unearthed once more.
The warming sun rises alongside me, rebirthing me, without any remembrance of you.
I’d follow you to the ends of earth if I could,
just to tell you how I feel.
Never in this life, before you, have I ever felt this way.
My breath you’ve stolen from within my lungs,
ripped out my heart that I hid beneath this flesh.
Not living nor dead, just wasting away.
From everything, something, to nothing once more.
You left me here alone.
To wander forever, not knowing, never finding this again.
Walking in circles around the mess you left behind.
My mess… Me.
A tortuous road, with no end in sight.
You once were the light that guided my way,
lifted my heart, gave me life.
Now that light has burnt out and I’m stuck.
In this dark, in this cold.
A lonely little girl, with no one to hold.
Anticipation of surviving has diminished.
Surrender is all I’ve got left.
With my heart you stole my soul,
and with the waving of this flag I give the rest of me.
No longer longing for the end of this agonizing path I’ve been lost on.
The end is near… finally here.
Blue skies and fresh air,
light breeze brushed upon my face
sunshine warms me on the inside
and the memory of you
to see the light of day.
Once buried down deep
hiding in the darkness,
shows its colors once more
taking from me this serenity,
drowning out the sky
with its clouds of gray.
The sun has run away
from the encroaching storm
your touch too cold, even for it
freezing me in a moment
to replay this horror story
of a dying heart.