Biding Time

And this shadow has me engulfed like a blanket over my head.  The heat building up until my lungs are so dry that I can’t take another breath.  Choking me.  All while saving me from this moment.  Releasing the inner darkness, keeping me blind to everything.  At the same time it’s clearing my head.  Like warm bath water washing over me.  Washing away all memories, good and bad, dissolving thoughts that no longer have substance.  Watching, waiting for the time to come when the air has cleared, and the flames have died down.  Biding time until the shroud of blackness is lifted and the light once again guides me on my way.

 

 

Book Of Shadows

My book of shadows

has been well written

Gathering all I’ve been told

although I’d never listened

Putting two and two together

after all of these years

Held down by your weight

I cried so many tears

Given many ultimatums

yet never a choice

No matter how loud I got

you always tuned out my voice

There’s not much left to say

for you never truly hear

I tried as hard as I could

to keep everything near

But the more I’m drowned out

the bigger the void in me grows

And as much as I try to hide it

my darkness is starting to show

Everything that I’ve hid deep

all of those things in myself that I fear

Rising back up to the surface

as this hell that I’ve run from grows near

So close to the flames I can taste them

as the ash lands squarely on my tongue

I’ll let the oncoming inferno take me

I’ve no fight left, for it has already won…

Thoughts of a Wandering Heart

I am a member of a community, and we are called BzzAgents.  WWW.bzzagent.com  We are participating in a fundraising campaign called Live Below The Line.

WHAT IS LIVE BELOW THE LINE ?

WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?

Live Below the Line is a campaign that challenges individuals and communities to eat and drink on just $1.50 per day for 5 days. By exposing participants to a glimpse of some of the daily difficulties experienced by the 1.4 billion people who live in extreme poverty every day, for everything, the campaign provides a unique window into understanding the realities of life for so many.

Through the insights gained over the 5 days, Live Below the Line is assembling a movement of people passionate about eradicating extreme poverty. Through partnerships with various charities, the campaign raises both awareness and critical funds.

I am asking that my followers help with this…

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Sunshine

There is no happy ray of sunshine at the bottom of this bottle

My world remains dead and cold and gray

There is no light waiting for me at the end of my tunnel

Everything remains dark, nothing left to light my way

Inferno

I hate feeling like I’m not allowed to love.  Like I am not supposed to feel the way I feel.  Like I can miraculously just hide all these things that I feel, that I have felt until one day they just disappear.  God only knows I wish I knew how to disappear, because I would have done so some time ago.  Over the past few years I have felt myself drifting off into an abyss, all the while knowing I could never find my way back out.  I’ve been damned by something as functional as the heart.  It function in the wrong tone, in a way that is more hazardous than helpful.  It seems like it is keeping me alive only so it can kill me from the inside out slowly.  Wishing for nothing more than an end to the heartache, to the lonely nights, to the irrational crying at absolutely  anything, everything that has some sort of emotion behind it.  I hate that something as beautiful and emotional as love can be so fucking twisted, and dangerous in the hands of the wrong person.  That one single wrong thing can be a complete train wreck.  Can tear a persons world down to the bitter truth and show them exactly where the evil in this world hides.  And that fire you once felt for someone is now the inferno that consumes every last bit of you until there is nothing left but ash that falls at a passerby’s feet only to be kicked away as if nothing, ever even mattered.  Because in the end it never does.

Demon in Disguise

The past comes back to haunt you

when your ghosts live in your head

When everything you’ve buried deep

come back from the dead

Stirring up recollections

you thought had turned to dust

Pouring acid on your heart

just to watch you rust

Peeling back your scabbed flesh

simply to see if you still feel

Toying with your every emotion

when you’ve finally started to heal

He’s just a demon in disguise

a deadly wolf in a sheep’s skin

Your heart pieced back together

just to be ripped apart again

Burns Out

When the sun burns out and the light fades away

Where will you go when you can’t find your way?

Do you deserve a candle to burn down the dark?

To guide you on this journey you’re about to embark.

Or should you be forced to walk down that road all alone?

Barefoot and broken, left to reap what you’ve sewn.

Ranting again oh my…

I am simply tired.  Tired of trying to understand what other people are thinking.  Attempting to get inside someone else’s mind and figure out what issues they may or may not have with me.  I feel like I am cornered in my mind, with no way out.  I think, or over think every situation, good or bad.  I over defend people who in the eyes of others don’t deserve it, but I give way too many second chances.  I allow people to hurt me repeatedly in hopes that one day I will learn my lesson.  I haven’t learned one yet.  I am like a ticking time bomb and I let the smallest of things set me off.  I always leave a nasty little mess behind, but I always manage to pick up those pieces that have fallen behind me.  Granted after so many times, they never seem to fit back together quite right.  But we all lose parts of ourselves along the way, bits and pieces here and there.  Such is life and from what I hear it sucks, well I will agree with that.  I hold onto all the negativity that surrounds me and I tend to soak it up like a sponge.  And try as I might, it’s a hard thing to lose once it’s grabbed ahold.  I just want to be able to put my past behind me, and get back on track with some kind of positive future to look forward to.  I worry that by doing that I may lose some parts of me that I can never get back and I haven’t decided which is worse yet.  To move on and drag that broken baggage along, or to leave it at the bag check and start over empty.  It’s always a hard decision.  It’s one I’ve been twiddling my thumbs over for awhile, in fear of making a wrong choice.  I feel alone in this, I feel like I have been sentenced to solitary confinement and the only time I have contact with the outside world is to ease their mind about something or other.  How is that fair to me?  I am just ready to go to sleep, a big long drawn out sleep.  One full of dreams that keep this rotten existence of reality at bay for awhile.  One that allows me to smile at something more than someone else’s happiness.  One that doesn’t allow lies and deceit to fly off the lips of those I care about.  The kind of dream where the feelings I have for someone, whether friend or family, are actually reciprocated.  I hope that one day I will no longer have to wish for such dreams to occur , that they are a normality in my life.  That I too can smile at the simplicities of the world around me.  But I am far from that still, maybe it’s a destination that I will never reach.  With all the faith that I have lost in people, I still have an inkling of hope, I keep it tucked down deep so nobody can steal it from me, but it’s there and maybe someday I will be glad that I did keep such a silly thing.

Someday You’ll Realize

I am sick of feeling completely useless

and this feeling like I don’t belong

I am tired of these misconceptions

of everything I seem to be doing wrong

I am so over caring for those people

who think they are too good for me

Keep treating me like an outsider

and when the time comes that is all I’ll ever be

Ones who are supposed to care forever

the ones who’s bonds started at birth

These are the ones who hurt you the most

when they constantly prove they surpass your worth

I do not need anymore of this shit

in my already over complicated life

I am walking away from all of this this time

never looking back on this constant strife

I will never be held up to your standards

and I may not be good at anything in your eyes

but I am way better than all of this shit

Someday I will be gone, maybe then you’ll realize

Manufactured Rainbows

Manufactured rainbows

lined with candy coated hearts  

sugar crusted teardrops

fall like crystallized ** stars **

 

All that glittering frosting

upon a cake that is putrid in rot

masking everything evil

A sweetened delight it is not

 

Sugar coated lies you tell

are straight from the devils heart

I should’ve seen right past you

You were evil from the start.