Just a rant, feel free to dismiss

I have my days when everything feels right, like I am where I am supposed to be.  And then I have the days where I feel so fucked out of my own mind that my element feels twisted.  Like everything I ever knew has been ripped from me yet continues to be dangled in front of me, like I’m being mocked.  It’s so close that I can see it, but it’s too far out of reach.  It’s like being at the gates of heaven surrounded in a cloud of smoke, not being allowed to enter.  I feel alone, let me say that again, I AM alone.  I have nobody left in my life that I can turn to in crisis.  I am unhappy with my everything, my life, my location, my false sense of happiness.  I want more for my life, in my life, but all I see is black.  I see nothing in front of me, everything is still looking back.  It sucks, and I suck for being this way.  I wasn’t born this way, I believe I was made this way.  After every train wreck I have been on, I have failed to get back on track.  Slowly going further and further off course.  Getting lost in the dark, with no light at the end of my tunnel to guide me back to safety.  But the path can’t consist of dark forever can it?  I still have some hope that a light will show itself to me.  Not much, but just enough to get me somewhere.  I made a decision, several of them and as right as they seemed at the time, I think they were the wrong ones for me.  Now I am here stuck, in this miserable space inside my head, where claw as I might I may never find a way out of this hole that I dug for myself.  Sometimes I just sigh and say oy, what did I do?..

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