Sleep

I’ll just sleep it off
Is what I always say
But today is like every other
They all are the same
To look beyond
What shows before me
Is more than I can do
To look within
Is something more
For me to do for you
Love thyself before all others
Is something I can’t do
You come first
Always have
In the name of me and you

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Losing faith

I am losing faith

in everything I ever knew

in everything I never knew

in all that you say

in all that you do

you ask me once

you asked me twice

what would I do if I were you

that is a question unanswered

for I am not in your mind

I can not tell you what to think

I know not where your heart lies

All I know is where mine is hidden

and someday I will release it from within the dark

whether or not you are with me

is up to you

and whether you ever figure out what you want

Sometimes… Rant

I am so close to giving up, like it was never worth it to begin with.  Like it was just a waste of time.  As another moment passes and another question surfaces, I lower my head in thought.  Thinking whether I should keep going, or just let it go.  Trying hurts, but so does letting go.  I guess I have to figure out which will hurt less.  I hate the not knowing, the wondering, the chase, the end.  I hate losing, and since I am a perpetual loser you’d think I’d have been out of the game a long long time ago.  But no, because I am also a masochist.  It’s a wonderful feeling, the rush, the pain, in a sick, sad, depressing kinda way.  It draws me in.  Sinks its teeth deep into my skin, and becomes one with my flesh.  So, you see, I am in a bind.  In a circular torture chamber, I keep spinning from one evil to the next.  I try to hang on, I try to let go, and can successfully do neither.  So I am stuck in limbo between the two.  Running in place.  Grasping for something else, something more.  Holding out for the one who can see behind the mask, behind the obvious fakeness that I portray.  The one, who without words, can tell that I am in need, and fulfill it.  The one who is willing to walk into the blackness to seek me out.  Grabbing me in the dark, fulfilling that need that I have, that only he can see.  I am still waiting, holding on.  Forever waiting…  Find me…

Discontent

I don’t feel any connection

There’s something not quite right

I feel as if something’s missing

Not sure that it’s worth a fight

I want to know you miss me

I need to know you care

I’d like to see this grow

But you’re never really there

We can be so very close

Yet I feel so far away

I feel as if I am just a moment

I’m not sure if I should stay

I’m quiet out of confusion

And discontent within my heart

I want to be right there with you

But we’re always worlds apart

You say not what you’re thinking

But what you think I want to hear

In turn making this even harder

For me to hold you near

I do not know your intentions

Or if it’s just me and only me

But if you can’t figure this all out

Then please just let me be

guide me

As I am walking down this tunnel

will you lend your light to guide me

For I am searching for something

Some quiet place for you to hide me

 

As this insanity ticks through me

like a siege of rushing water

I need your hands to hold me

As I fear that I might falter

 

These reminiscent memories

overflow until they drown me

But resurrected from the kill

the moment that you had found me

 

The lonely walk would have surely broke me

if you had not shared in my last fight

By my side you never strayed from me

as we walked blindly out of your safelight