I’ve been trying to figure out where I belong in this massive space and I just don’t know. I try way too hard to keep everyone around me happy and content. The only person being neglected is myself. I’ve been suffering from headaches lately which I’m sure is stress related. I can’t keep up with this charade. If I’m not happy, how can I make anyone else happy? Its not genuine anymore, its become a job that I have to keep up with. I just don’t think I can anymore. I’ve given up things and people because of this and its just pulling me under. I feel like I’m drowning on air. Choking myself more with every single breath I take. When will enough finally be enough? I hope it doesn’t take forever.
There is a certain calmness in the air,
yet I stir at the sound of the whispers in the wind.
Your voice I still hear calling me.
You pick, pick, pick until all the meat is off the bones. Until I have been wore so thin that I am practically invisible. You see right through me, as if I were only a ghost. Maybe I am, maybe I am merely a shadow of someone I used to be. Something I was never meant to be. So you whittle away at my existence, slowly. I close my eyes when I feel the end come near. Not a sight to see, nor a sound to hear. Only a hand to hold, as I am gently pulled into the dark. Some ones shadow will I be no more.
You know what they say, you are only as old as you feel. Well I feel like I am 80. I feel like I have just sat here and let everything pass me by. I have failed to fully grasp onto the concept of happiness. So here I am, another birthday goes by alone. But it’s alright, it’s just another day, or I will treat it as such. If it wasn’t for spam emails reminding me that it was today I probably would have forgotten. Damn that junk email. I think it would be best not to even know when it comes anymore, that way I can’t be disappointed. Plus if I act like it never happened does that mean I won’t age? I hope so. But for now, I have been reminded so I will deal. So happy birthday to me. I hope your day goes better than mine will 😀
I have been doing a lot of thinking about this new year. I am starting to see how different I have become from years before. I have let go of people in my life in this past year that I was holding onto for my own insecure reasons, and I have been trying like hell to move on. I am slowly but surely getting past them, but it is still hard. I am finding that I do not really have any friends, and as pathetic as that seems, it is all my doing. I am the type of person who would do anything for a friend, too much for someone really. I rarely see the bad in people, and I always give them multiple chances, which really is only some type of proof to me that I have friends. But who wants or needs those types of friends? Not me anymore. I think my biggest problem, in fact I know it is, is my anxiety issues, it doesn’t allow me to socialize like normal people, I have the hardest time making friends. It literally makes me sick to have to talk to someone I do not know. That makes for a really awkward time. I made a major move to Florida from New York in 2011 and haven’t been able to make friends here due to this issue. So those that I have managed to make in the past I tend to hold onto dearly, even though they aren’t really friends. I have noticed my depression slowly getting better since breaking off communication with certain people, and even though it is extremely bittersweet and I want to reach out to them, I don’t. I miss them, or at least the concept of them. I miss the motivated, happy, cheerful me, but I guess that will come back in time. Or at least I hope it does. Because while I may not feel half as depressed as I did months ago, I am still lonely as hell in this little world I have created for myself. I am going to try to work on my anxiety issues, and my phobia of people and make friends, actual friends this time. That is my goal for this year. I am going to be 29 on january 4th and I will have no one to celebrate with, and I am really getting sick of that. So I guess I have a lot more thinking to do, and a lot of hard work ahead of me, but I think I can do it. I appreciate you sitting through my whole crazy little rant, and if you have any experience with anxiety and can give me some pointers on getting rid of it I would be super appreciative.