The New Year…

I have been doing a lot of thinking about this new year.  I am starting to see how different I have become from years before.  I have let go of people in my life in this past year that I was holding onto for my own insecure reasons, and I have been trying like hell to move on.  I am slowly but surely getting past them, but it is still hard.  I am finding that I do not really have any friends, and as pathetic as that seems, it is all my doing.  I am the type of person who would do anything for a friend, too much for someone really.  I rarely see the bad in people, and I always give them multiple chances, which really is only some type of proof to me that I have friends.  But who wants or needs those types of friends?  Not me anymore.  I think my biggest problem, in fact I know it is, is my anxiety issues, it doesn’t allow me to socialize like normal people, I have the hardest time making friends.  It literally makes me sick to have to talk to someone I do not know.  That makes for a really awkward time.  I made a major move to Florida from New York in 2011 and haven’t been able to make friends here due to this issue.  So those that I have managed to make in the past I tend to hold onto dearly, even though they aren’t really friends.  I have noticed my depression slowly getting better since breaking off communication with certain people, and even though it is extremely bittersweet and I want to reach out to them, I don’t.  I miss them, or at least the concept of them.  I miss the motivated, happy, cheerful me, but I guess that will come back in time.  Or at least I hope it does.  Because while I may not feel half as depressed as I did months ago, I am still lonely as hell in this little world I have created for myself.  I am going to try to work on my anxiety issues, and my phobia of people and make friends, actual friends this time.  That is my goal for this year.  I am going to be 29 on january 4th and I will have no one to celebrate with, and I am really getting sick of that.  So I guess I have a lot more thinking to do, and a lot of hard work ahead of me, but I think I can do it.  I appreciate you sitting through my whole crazy little rant, and if you have any experience with anxiety and can give me some pointers on getting rid of it I would be super appreciative.

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4 responses to “The New Year…

  1. I know exactly what you mean. I’ve been fighting a fear of people and making friends for most of my life. There have been times when I’ve gotten past it and made some friends, but other times it’s been downright crippling.

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    • It really can be crippling, can’t it? Here’s to a new year and another chance to work on that making friends thing. Thank you David for commenting with your own experience. It’s kinda nice to know I’m not the only one who feels this way, but makes me feel bad that you have to go through this too. It’s very bittersweet. 🙂

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  2. Hi Lacie, just relax and be yourself, there’s absolutely nothing “wrong” with you. Societal labels say more about society than it does about the individual. Come hang with us anytime! 😀

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    • I am very thankful for the kind words, I agree that there’s nothing wrong with me, but there are a few things I could work on. 🙂 I plan on making friends this year, it’s something that’s way past due.

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