I like to log onto my facebook and various social networks to check out what’s up with friends and family. To appear like I know what is going on in the world.. Like there is this singular place that I can go to catch up on the world, my world. I’ve got friends on facebook, followers on twitter, tumblr and instagram. Some that I knew at some point in my life, hugged, talked to, told secrets to. Then there are others who I’ve never officially met, but they are good people too. I think for me the feeling of being connected to these people makes me feel like I belong, like I somehow fit into their worlds somewhere. I know better though. I know for most of those “friends or family” I am just another one on the list. I think being so connected has actually disconnected me from the reality of things. Its kept me behind the fog. Sometimes the air clears and I am able to see through the bullshit and lies. I stare past the plastic smiles and empty hearts. I know I talk about people I used to know pretty often, but my whole life is one great big fallacy. I don’t have a single friend. I don’t say this to get sympathy, I say it because its true. In the past few years I have changed and the people I used to know I’m sure have too. I never expected things to stay the same. I never expected people to stay the same. How could I? But with how easily connected people are on social media nowadays, its easy to pretend everything’s the same. But if you take the screen away there is nothing. No communication, no validation, no sense of normalcy at all. In my case that’s how it is at least. I think sites that bring people together are great for some, but for people like me it creates a sense of false imprisonment. If I stop logging on I am basically leaving everyone I know behind, but in reality I’ve left them long ago. This fallacy I call life is as empty as I am. I can sugar coat it with fake friends and fake ideals but underneath its something undesirable. It is real and it is unimportant. Just a thought I was thinking I guess. It probably sounds dumb or irrational, but I am irrational which would make it all perfectly sane and normal for me. Anyways, sorry for that big post of dumb shit but it needed to be said so I’d stop thinking it.
Pull the wool over my eyes
I’ve seen too much already
Try and hide me from the truth
because the lies are flowing steady
It sounds too true to be good
These words I’ve yet to speak
But they fight to be let free
So I hold my tongue against my cheek
I will hold them in and hold them down
And not allow them to flow free
Because all the bad that I have done
Can never equal the good still left in me
There is a chill in the air
Riding swiftly on the wind
Breaking through my bones
Slowly cutting through my skin
Beaten on the inside
Bleeding from within
Recalling life forgotten
Dying in these memories again
I am distant. I have been distancing myself from people who appear not to even notice. From people who make it painfully obvious that they don’t give a damn about anyone but themselves. I need to learn how to let go. I hold on to too many of the wrong people, for far too many reasons. I keep them around for what, I ask myself often. All of my so called friendships are so one-sided that it disturbs me that I even let it happen. But I know why I do, I know why even after I’ve let them go before, I pull them back in. I do it because I hope that I am wrong, I hope that they have just gotten busy with their lives and temporarily forgot a friend. Although, I know this isn’t the case. I know these people pretty well, and they are very self centered and vain. I pick shitty people to be around. I have shitty so called friends. I wish I wasn’t so lonely all the time, maybe my need for some kind of friendly interaction wouldn’t keep drawing me towards these negative people. It starts to wear on me and depresses me. I just want it to stop. What I can’t understand is I would do a lot of things for some of these people if they needed me to and I can’t even get a simple response from them. Am I that much of a waste of time and space that even responding to me sucks them dry? Oh well, I guess its not something I should bother to even think about.
I am lost so deep in the dark that no amount of light could bring me home. No amount of faith could bring me peace. No amount of love could overcome this hate that builds inside of me. So lost that this path takes me in circles. It’s like playing a horror movie on an unending repeat. Torturing me over and over and over. I’m dying on the inside, despite the smile that graces my face. I am almost content hiding inside this never-ending darkness. I feel whole inside this unhappy place.