the death of a bubbly personality

I think part of my being able to get a handle on my social anxiety is to come out and tell you more about me how I was as a child, when I started to become less social, and when I finally snapped and stopped almost all together.

I was a typical happy kid. I had a shitty childhood due to my parents issues but that didn’t change me inside much. When I was young I had lots of friends, I loved getting out of the house and playing with people. I attended girl scouts and junior book clubs. I went to skating rinks, arcades, and sleep overs.

When I was a pre teen I hung out with friends, went bike riding with neighborhood kids, and met kids at the Fair Haven State Park all summer long. I was still an active member of girl scouts and was taking both clarinet lessons and chorus. I loved all of it. I loved life and people.

When I was a teenager I played 1st base and shortstop on the girls softball team. I worked as a helper in a local bakery where I was constantly interacting with new people every day. I was in some plays at school too. I enrolled in band class and tried out for solos in chorus. I was an alto in chorus and despite my ability to sing pretty well I was always turned down.

I was an awkward girl who liked wearing grandpa sweaters and argyle socks, suspenders and ties. I had a quirky personality, I was bubbly and outgoing, but not enough I suppose. The typical pretty blonde who was friends with all of the rich kids at school was chosen for everything. She got all the solos in chorus, she got all the best parts in the play. She had all the boys that I liked grovel over her.

As I got halfway through high school people started to hold value in the girl who got picked for everything. They forgot that even though I wasn’t picked first, or chosen for solos, that I was still a fun and friendly person. I was still the same person as I always was, but they forgot that. My friends slowly became too busy for me, so I slowly became too busy for myself.

I started to find new friends, the ones who were also kind of rejected and just hung around with them and their friends even though they smoked pot and drank. I still to this day have never smoked pot, but I did drink occasionally. I became quiet, withdrawn, and stopped going to band and chorus. I dropped out of girl scouts and didn’t rejoin the softball team the following year. I still worked at the bakery but almost completely kept myself out in the kitchen away from the public.

I had started to doubt that I was the fun, friendly person that I had always thought I was. I dropped out of school further secluding myself. I have never fully got that bubbly personality back. It will show itself once in awhile, but not often. I don’t participate in things because I worry people won’t like me. I can’t go to pta meetings for fear that parents will judge me. I don’t allow my kids to join sports or after school activities because I am afraid of having to interact with other parents.

I wish I could be better for them. I wish that I didn’t worry about everything, and that life was easier on my kids. They deserve much better. One day I hope I can be everything my kids need and I am working on it.

I have started going over to a new neighbors home once a week for coffee. We sit and chat for awhile and the kids play together. I have looked for anxiety meetings but can’t find any in my area, but I will keep looking. I am hopeful. But in the meantime I am slowly trying to change myself.

Sorry about this being so long, I just thought it would be good for me to show when my changes began. :). – lacie

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Social Media

Life isn’t a social media
It is not measured by likes or shares
You can’t hide the truth behind a filter
And you can’t just cut or crop
Everything you wish wasn’t there
Life is what you make of it
Not what you put in your “About Me”
So I’m going to stop looking for approval
And experience all that there is to see

Blade

You used your words like a blade
Your lips moved and you cut me down
I loved you, and you cut me out
I bled words
I wore my heart upon my sleeves
My love was written in my arms
Deep beneath the flesh
Your words sliced me through
Leaving ash amongst my scars
But those words I bled
Still wrote love letters for you

The Year Ahead

2013 was a crappy year for me, as most of you know. I have been depressed and pretty miserable for the most part. But I am going to try something new. I am going to work on my weight, and see a doctor for my social anxiety. I am going to try and meet new people and make friends. I plan on finding new things that make me happy. I love taking pictures, sewing, and designing, so I am going to pursue some of these things as frequent hobbies. I want to be a happier, more friendly person, not only for me but for everyone that has to interact with me. So hopefully I’ll have good stories to tell, and merrier poems to share with you. I think I am strong enough to do all these things that I want to accomplish. Here’s to all of you for sharing this page with me, and here’s to a wonderful year for all of you as well. 🙂