Pain(t) me

Your words are your brush

And I am your canvas

You make sweeping motions

And cut me open

Pressing hard

Cutting deeper

My words bleed red

Stained paper

Freshly gouged flesh

In the shapes and sounds

Of your animosity

Beg of me your muse

Skin deep

Paper thin

Slices of ice cold hearts

Blended a dark purple

But I like the hurt

So paint me with your insanity

Dripped tastelessly in agony

And hang me out to dry

Sticks and stones

You use your words like sticks and stones

Attempting to beat me into submission

Screaming into my ears like bullhorns

Trying to force me to listen

But this anger in my body keeps on building

And my temperature continues to rise

This hatred has grown heavy in my heart

And this fire still burns in my eyes

I won’t let you try to break me

There’s nothing you can do or say

I’m not here on this Earth for your taking

And I refuse to be treated that way

So I’ll consume your abuse like a fuel

And let this shell fucking burn to the ground

When the smoke clears and ash settles

I’ll be the only one left standing,

While you’re nowhere to be found

Chaotic

I’ve learned how to live comfortably in the chaos.

I breathe it in like oxygen.

I let it wash over me like a summer rain

Soaking it up like sunshine

It’s built itself up around me

Four walls and a roof

And I reside here with just my thoughts to keep me company

“You’re just like your mother”

That’s what she was told since the day she was born. She was born stuck in a vicious cycle of self hatred and bad influences. Her father was an abuser. He had a tendency to put his hands on women, while her mom had trouble putting the bottle down. Her mother was a drinker, self medicating to deal with abuse and mental illnesses.

But she was just like her mother. She learned to deal with her emotions with Jack and a coke. She continued the cycle of self hatred and bad influences on herself, not knowing any better, having learned it from birth.

Her mother, before the bottle took hold and her depression brought her down, was a happy healthy beautiful young woman, full of love and life. One she would have killed to have had a chance to know. If only that mother was the one she could have turned out to be like. Alas, that’s not how life goes and to this day she says to herself, “You’re just like your mother.” And she was.

Burn With Me

I need someone who isn’t afraid to look into my eyes and get swallowed whole by the darkness

Someone who knows what lurks inside my shadows and doesn’t run from it

Instead taunts it to come out and play

I need to know that you’re willing to brave Hell with me

To feel your heart blister and your flesh ignite in my hand

I need someone who can endure the heat and allow themselves to be fully engulfed in my flames

Someone who isn’t rattled by promises of bittersweet agony

Instead succumbs and embraces it

I need to feel your heart flicker and catch fire

To feel you reduce to ashes and be wind swept through my fingers

Over and over

An incessant drum beat

Banging on my skull

Over and over and over

Smashing through my thoughts

Drowning everything else out

I don’t just hear it

I can feel it too

The pulsing and the pounding

Feels like I’m a time bomb

Slowly tick, tick, ticking

I better start bracing for the boom