Fonder

And my heart grows colder
Even as the flames begin to rise
Not even this torrid hell I’m in
Can melt the ice behind these eyes
Drifting further from complacency
My feet no longer firmly on the ground
Unsure of where I’m headed
Afraid of what I’ll find if I look down
Aware that the consequences
Of the wrongs that I have done
Are the reason for this torment
And my future soon to come

This fallacy I call life

I like to log onto my facebook and various social networks to check out what’s up with friends and family. To appear like I know what is going on in the world.. Like there is this singular place that I can go to catch up on the world, my world. I’ve got friends on facebook, followers on twitter, tumblr and instagram. Some that I knew at some point in my life, hugged, talked to, told secrets to. Then there are others who I’ve never officially met, but they are good people too. I think for me the feeling of being connected to these people makes me feel like I belong, like I somehow fit into their worlds somewhere. I know better though. I know for most of those “friends or family” I am just another one on the list. I think being so connected has actually disconnected me from the reality of things. Its kept me behind the fog. Sometimes the air clears and I am able to see through the bullshit and lies. I stare past the plastic smiles and empty hearts. I know I talk about people I used to know pretty often, but my whole life is one great big fallacy. I don’t have a single friend. I don’t say this to get sympathy, I say it because its true. In the past few years I have changed and the people I used to know I’m sure have too. I never expected things to stay the same. I never expected people to stay the same. How could I? But with how easily connected people are on social media nowadays, its easy to pretend everything’s the same. But if you take the screen away there is nothing. No communication, no validation, no sense of normalcy at all. In my case that’s how it is at least. I think sites that bring people together are great for some, but for people like me it creates a sense of false imprisonment. If I stop logging on I am basically leaving everyone I know behind, but in reality I’ve left them long ago. This fallacy I call life is as empty as I am. I can sugar coat it with fake friends and fake ideals but underneath its something undesirable. It is real and it is unimportant. Just a thought I was thinking I guess. It probably sounds dumb or irrational, but I am irrational which would make it all perfectly sane and normal for me. Anyways, sorry for that big post of dumb shit but it needed to be said so I’d stop thinking it.

Friends or foes?

I am distant. I have been distancing myself from people who appear not to even notice. From people who make it painfully obvious that they don’t give a damn about anyone but themselves. I need to learn how to let go. I hold on to too many of the wrong people, for far too many reasons. I keep them around for what, I ask myself often. All of my so called friendships are so one-sided that it disturbs me that I even let it happen. But I know why I do, I know why even after I’ve let them go before, I pull them back in. I do it because I hope that I am wrong, I hope that they have just gotten busy with their lives and temporarily forgot a friend. Although, I know this isn’t the case. I know these people pretty well, and they are very self centered and vain. I pick shitty people to be around. I have shitty so called friends. I wish I wasn’t so lonely all the time, maybe my need for some kind of friendly interaction wouldn’t keep drawing me towards these negative people. It starts to wear on me and depresses me. I just want it to stop. What I can’t understand is I would do a lot of things for some of these people if they needed me to and I can’t even get a simple response from them. Am I that much of a waste of time and space that even responding to me sucks them dry? Oh well, I guess its not something I should bother to even think about.

This…

This heart’s been left lonely
Tossed out in the cold
Nothing left to warm me
Nor a hand to hold
My silence is deceiving
As it lies in wait
Deciding its worth
What lies with my fate
But out here in the cold
Where I sit and suffer
Another heart grown colder
Just another bitter lover

2012 in review

WordPress produced a report for my blog and I just wanted to say while I am still just a small blog, I am thrilled to see how many people have actually either followed me or stopped by just to check out some of my poetry.  I started this blog to get some words off my chest, and in doing so have found a new home.  I am very happy to be able to share my thoughts and feelings through poetry for all of you to see.  It has been a great year for me for learning about the blogging world, and I plan to continue for awhile.  🙂  Thank you for every like, and every comment, it really does make me smile to know that something I wrote can be enjoyed by others as well.  I hope you all have a happy new year.

 

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 3,000 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 5 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

Cliff

I am just dragging myself over a cliff
Hurling myself onto a bunch of jagged rocks
Fiercely tearing me apart limb by limb as I fall
Piece by fucking piece
Slowly draining every last drop of blood from this lifeless hunk of flesh I call home
Staining these rocks with what once was my life force
No longer bleeding
My hearts no longer beating
My loneliness no longer needing
A hopeless kind of lover like you
Torn into bits by your metaphorical hands
Your ice riddled bitter heart left me frost bitten
Cold
Dead
Lonely
Left alone in this world
Meak and broken
Silenced, unspoken
Hidden in the shadows of the sun
So I climbed the highest mountain
Threw my pennies in the fountain
And wished myself finally rid of you
I crawled to the edge
Said your name in a prayer
As I dragged myself over a cliff

decent program to edit my header picture…

Some of you may have noticed my header is a bit different, if not that’s ok too, I wanted to update it with a recent picture.  My issue is the photo program that came with my mac isn’t much of an editor, I was hoping I could ask for your help.  Do any of you know of a decent free program for Mac OSX Lion that edits pictures?  I like the picture that I have for my header, but I think it’s too big but if I crop it anymore with my current program it gets so pixely that it’s just a blur.  Any help would be much appreciated.  ❤  LacieJay