After All

I used to look back

Because those were brighter days

But that was before I sat myself down inside the chaos

Before I let myself be absorbed into the darkness that surrounded me

My heart isn’t made up of brighter days

After all

It’s made up of hostility and hatred

Shattered hopes and dying dreams

It’s as dark as the day when the sun finally burns out

I’m burning out

Spinning in circles only fans the flames

I’m so full of fury

That it drips off my brow like sweat

Fueling the anger that runs hot beneath my skin

Filling these empty voids with memories like tinder

As I set fire to all the good I’ve kept within

My heart isn’t made for brighter days

After all

Not with all the darkness that it’s soaked in

No Avail

Trying to swallow my own madness

But this insanity creeps up slowly

Clawing first at my lungs so I can’t breathe

Making its way through the lump in my chest

Tearing open my throat as all of my anger spills out

Dripping pain and sorrow onto my hands as I try to hold myself together

To no avail

lights out

There is no light when the love’s gone

There are no better days or open doors

It’s like walking through fields of water overflowing

Each step you slip deeper

Every minute brings you closer to the edge

An abyss awaits to suck you in and bring you down

It’s there to remind you of everything you’ve loved and lost

To convince you that nothing matters because all of the shit that used to, left you behind

Waiting in the distance hoping to watch you cave in

Under the weight of it all

To drown in the very tears that held memories as they slid down your cheek

It’s dark when the light is off

And cold when the love runs out

Fool me once

I’m a fool

I fool myself into believing in people and love and lies

I fool myself into thinking this time will be different

This one will be different

That I’ll be different

I fool myself into listening to people and bullshit and lies

I fool myself into believing that the grass can be greener on the other side of the fence

Only to realize that I am that which creates the poison

That which grows the toxic roots that spread amongst everything I touch

I am a fool

I’ve been fooled into believing in people and lies and myself

The Wildfire

Like the only tree left standing after a wildfire has swept through the forest, I stand alone.
My broken limbs and charred branches extend, despite the fire that consumes me.
The flames run through me, rushing like blood away from this beating heart.
Ashes line the forest floor, leaving nothing but trails of hurt behind me.
This fire has stolen the oxygen straight out of my lungs and ripped the words from my throat.
Lifeless and broken, I continue to stand tall.
I dig my roots deeper into the dirt, holding on for dear life .

With the bathwater 

I’m built up on lies and pain and hurt. Sometimes I just want to cry out, but there’s never anyone there to hear me. This life I live is not my own. It owns me and I owe it everything. These are the thoughts I’m chained to, these are the truths that sustain me.

Standing there, hot water beating hard against my chest. Everything is quiet, I’ve tuned everything else out. Im trapped inside myself, trapped inside my head. Wondering how hot it’d have to be for me to just melt and be washed away with the suds. Wondering if anyone would even notice I was gone.

I’m not so sure it matters anymore.

Overflowing

I let my disappointment build up until it overflows onto everything I hold dear
It stifles my heart to the point that my words no longer mean anything
I’m quiet and timid and offputting
I am a great distance from not only those that I care about but also myself
I can’t remember the last time I smiled a real smile
I’m worried that no future is going to be any better than my past or my present
My light is dimming and I’m losing myself in this dark hole that I crawled into
I’m lost and this ever growing anger is pushing me farther into the abyss

Unscathed

I walk out of the rubble

The falling dust still stinging my eyes

Ashes mark my face like war paint

My arms comfortably numb

From fighting my way through the wreckage

 

I walk away from the past

From yesterdays anger and sorrow

Bridges I lit up behind me

I watched burn to the ground

So I won’t recross them tomorrow

Old worlds left beneath me crumbling

Memories still aflame

Left to drown in the smoke

 

But…

I walked out of the rubble

Unscathed

anger

I cracked
And let the anger seep through
Infecting my veins
Like a bad drug
My pulse increasing
Alongside my rage
I’m red hot like a wire
Held above a flame
To hard to hold
Between my fingers
To volatile for me
To let it go

Remember Forever

That Christmas was one I will remember forever. Santa didn’t leave anything under my tree. We didn’t sing carols with our loved ones. I didn’t enjoy the wonderful Christmas feast before me, and there was no figgy pudding. I wasn’t alone, but I felt like I was. I felt an overwhelming darkness seeping into my skin. My own hell was warm enough to melt the freshly fallen snow. I tried to be festive. I put on my mask, the one with the plastic smile. I oozed fake joy and happiness, it filled the room. I was burning on the inside, but I stayed cool as ice. My thoughts held my tongue still. 

Not a single damning word left my lips until I felt safe. Until I was somewhere I knew I wouldn’t be judged. With the car pulled over so I could let my words flow free, on the side of the road. I could have been in a room with ten thousand people and I would have been alone. I cried out in pain as my tears broke free. I thanked him for being there, for holding me, for letting my irrationalities take hold of both of us momentarily. He knew me well. If he hadn’t been there, if he hadn’t understood me, I’d have been a broken mess.

Holidays never sat well with me. I never understood them, and they never understood me. I had contemplated many a time about my departure. That Christmas was no different. He knew. I was the type that felt like I had nothing to live for, that wanted to cut out early. He knew that that day was worse than every other. He held me, reassured me it was ok. It turned out I was going to be after all. So he held me and I slept. Soundly, safely.

Christmas was over and I was still there. I had made it through the darkness in my head. Safe and sound. My own Christmas miracle perhaps. My phone rang and I answered it. My world cracked. In the midst of my own depression I forgot about my mother. I thought she was ok, she seemed fine three days before. But I suppose I seemed fine to her as well. The disbelief of the news dropped me to the floor. Drowning in my own tears, I called out for her. She was gone. Those same demons poking fun of me the day before had been poking fun at my mother as well. I should have known. We were more alike than I knew. Similar in feelings, and thoughts. My demons had been beaten, but that day she lost her battle.

She lost and I lost, we all lost to her demons. I couldn’t save her, I couldn’t even save me. It hurt. It still hurts. Pieces of me died with her. They lie beside her, in her box made out of wood. I oft wonder if they have rotted away as she does. I try and hold on to her smile in my heart. Sometimes it’s hard. Other times I think she reminds me. There are many things I have forgotten in my few years that I wish I could have held onto longer. The good memories are scarce. But the memory of that Christmas is strong. It is bittersweet. I won and lost all at once. Part of me died that day, but the rest lives on. She lives on, metaphorically. Forever is such a long time, and I still have so many years left to go, but I will never forget. I will never forget those feelings, the demons, the fight. The win, the loss, the life I still have.

That Christmas was the one I will remember forever. I must never forget…

Dedicated to my mother whose demons proved to be too much for her. She lives in my heart, and I miss her.