The Wildfire

Like the only tree left standing after a wildfire has swept through the forest, I stand alone.
My broken limbs and charred branches extend, despite the fire that consumes me.
The flames run through me, rushing like blood away from this beating heart.
Ashes line the forest floor, leaving nothing but trails of hurt behind me.
This fire has stolen the oxygen straight out of my lungs and ripped the words from my throat.
Lifeless and broken, I continue to stand tall.
I dig my roots deeper into the dirt, holding on for dear life .

With the bathwater 

I’m built up on lies and pain and hurt. Sometimes I just want to cry out, but there’s never anyone there to hear me. This life I live is not my own. It owns me and I owe it everything. These are the thoughts I’m chained to, these are the truths that sustain me.

Standing there, hot water beating hard against my chest. Everything is quiet, I’ve tuned everything else out. Im trapped inside myself, trapped inside my head. Wondering how hot it’d have to be for me to just melt and be washed away with the suds. Wondering if anyone would even notice I was gone.

I’m not so sure it matters anymore.


I let my disappointment build up until it overflows onto everything I hold dear
It stifles my heart to the point that my words no longer mean anything
I’m quiet and timid and offputting
I am a great distance from not only those that I care about but also myself
I can’t remember the last time I smiled a real smile
I’m worried that no future is going to be any better than my past or my present
My light is dimming and I’m losing myself in this dark hole that I crawled into
I’m lost and this ever growing anger is pushing me farther into the abyss


I walk out of the rubble

The falling dust still stinging my eyes

Ashes mark my face like war paint

My arms comfortably numb

From fighting my way through the wreckage


I walk away from the past

From yesterdays anger and sorrow

Bridges I lit up behind me

I watched burn to the ground

So I won’t recross them tomorrow

Old worlds left beneath me crumbling

Memories still aflame

Left to drown in the smoke



I walked out of the rubble



I cracked
And let the anger seep through
Infecting my veins
Like a bad drug
My pulse increasing
Alongside my rage
I’m red hot like a wire
Held above a flame
To hard to hold
Between my fingers
To volatile for me
To let it go

Remember Forever

That Christmas was one I will remember forever. Santa didn’t leave anything under my tree. We didn’t sing carols with our loved ones. I didn’t enjoy the wonderful Christmas feast before me, and there was no figgy pudding. I wasn’t alone, but I felt like I was. I felt an overwhelming darkness seeping into my skin. My own hell was warm enough to melt the freshly fallen snow. I tried to be festive. I put on my mask, the one with the plastic smile. I oozed fake joy and happiness, it filled the room. I was burning on the inside, but I stayed cool as ice. My thoughts held my tongue still. 

Not a single damning word left my lips until I felt safe. Until I was somewhere I knew I wouldn’t be judged. With the car pulled over so I could let my words flow free, on the side of the road. I could have been in a room with ten thousand people and I would have been alone. I cried out in pain as my tears broke free. I thanked him for being there, for holding me, for letting my irrationalities take hold of both of us momentarily. He knew me well. If he hadn’t been there, if he hadn’t understood me, I’d have been a broken mess.

Holidays never sat well with me. I never understood them, and they never understood me. I had contemplated many a time about my departure. That Christmas was no different. He knew. I was the type that felt like I had nothing to live for, that wanted to cut out early. He knew that that day was worse than every other. He held me, reassured me it was ok. It turned out I was going to be after all. So he held me and I slept. Soundly, safely.

Christmas was over and I was still there. I had made it through the darkness in my head. Safe and sound. My own Christmas miracle perhaps. My phone rang and I answered it. My world cracked. In the midst of my own depression I forgot about my mother. I thought she was ok, she seemed fine three days before. But I suppose I seemed fine to her as well. The disbelief of the news dropped me to the floor. Drowning in my own tears, I called out for her. She was gone. Those same demons poking fun of me the day before had been poking fun at my mother as well. I should have known. We were more alike than I knew. Similar in feelings, and thoughts. My demons had been beaten, but that day she lost her battle.

She lost and I lost, we all lost to her demons. I couldn’t save her, I couldn’t even save me. It hurt. It still hurts. Pieces of me died with her. They lie beside her, in her box made out of wood. I oft wonder if they have rotted away as she does. I try and hold on to her smile in my heart. Sometimes it’s hard. Other times I think she reminds me. There are many things I have forgotten in my few years that I wish I could have held onto longer. The good memories are scarce. But the memory of that Christmas is strong. It is bittersweet. I won and lost all at once. Part of me died that day, but the rest lives on. She lives on, metaphorically. Forever is such a long time, and I still have so many years left to go, but I will never forget. I will never forget those feelings, the demons, the fight. The win, the loss, the life I still have.

That Christmas was the one I will remember forever. I must never forget…

Dedicated to my mother whose demons proved to be too much for her. She lives in my heart, and I miss her.

Playing God

I wish that I could erase time

I wouldn’t slow it down

nor reverse it

or even speed it up

just pick and choose

what to keep

and what to throw away

I wish that I could play God

with my own memories

I would doctor them up

so every recollection

was without you in it

no more constant reminders

of our broken past

I wish to clear this dirt away

from my rose colored glasses

to look past the lies

before my eyes

to tune out the words you speak

to forget that feel

of your arms around me

I wish to have more chances

with someone else

to remember things I loved

people I’ve missed

to look back at

everything I’ve missed out on

that seems so out of reach

I wish I didn’t have to wish

that you had been truthful

that you were true

I wish things had been perfect

that forever was in my grasp

I wish that you had seen

before the ending had come so fast

Losing faith

I am losing faith

in everything I ever knew

in everything I never knew

in all that you say

in all that you do

you ask me once

you asked me twice

what would I do if I were you

that is a question unanswered

for I am not in your mind

I can not tell you what to think

I know not where your heart lies

All I know is where mine is hidden

and someday I will release it from within the dark

whether or not you are with me

is up to you

and whether you ever figure out what you want

Solitary Hell

Many times I’ve been told that I am nothing

so what is just once more

I will never strive to become something

just your ordinary whore

Powerless to your insults

I am just shit beneath your crown

Every time I try to stand tall

you are there to knock me back down

I slink back into my dirty corner

afraid that I may somehow disobey

Hiding here inside these shadows

hoping just to see another day

The light that used to shine within me

has slowly sunk into the dark

Leaving only remnants of a happy memory

before you had left your damning mark

You know you’ve got all the power

and you control me oh so well

Locked inside this imaginary cage

to live in my own solitary hell