After All

I used to look back

Because those were brighter days

But that was before I sat myself down inside the chaos

Before I let myself be absorbed into the darkness that surrounded me

My heart isn’t made up of brighter days

After all

It’s made up of hostility and hatred

Shattered hopes and dying dreams

It’s as dark as the day when the sun finally burns out

I’m burning out

Spinning in circles only fans the flames

I’m so full of fury

That it drips off my brow like sweat

Fueling the anger that runs hot beneath my skin

Filling these empty voids with memories like tinder

As I set fire to all the good I’ve kept within

My heart isn’t made for brighter days

After all

Not with all the darkness that it’s soaked in

Open door

I open the door of which I’ve hid behind, releasing me from this hell.  I let myself out into the world to find peace.  A peace that can’t be found inside my head, nor inside my heart.  Such a peace that once it washes over me I feel clean.  I feel as if it has sunk in, beyond skin deep, but deeper into the blackness of my soul.  Filling the inner emptiness with Serenity.  No longer empty, no longer angry, no longer in pain.  To stand here looking into the vast world before me with new eyes.  Never to look back at that which has held me in place for this long.  Never looking back.

Heart Beats

My heart beats like whispers

Just a star amongst the storm

An irrational constellation

That is quietly taking form

To shine below the heavens

Shedding light onto this land

Forged by the fury of your orbit

As you’ve graced me with a hand

To hold me down onto this dirt

As we wait out this stormy weather

Beneath these blackened skies

Our hearts shall beat together


I feel like I’m running circles

Doing laps inside my head

Never imagined living this life

feeling like part of me was dead

I’ve lost so many battles

I don’t know where to begin

But I can drag myself through this

and I will walk upright again

I peer inside my inner self

so I can find my motivation

To move in any direction

to land where I fall

no pre determined destination

On the road…

Since the day I met her I knew I loved her.  I lived my life for her for so long I could barely remember who I was.  I had everything I had ever wanted… Or did I?  I had set my dreams aside for her, to live beside her, to love her.  I almost forgot where my drive for life had originated.  I loved music, almost as much as I loved her.  Possibly more so, I don’t even know anymore.  She was the love of my life, but music WAS my life.  I had put it off for so long, I just couldn’t do it anymore.  I had to see if this was all there was for me, or if there was something more out there waiting, hoping I would find it.  I would have to leave her for awhile, but she had my heart and you can’t leave your heart for good.  She knew I’d be back once I found what I was looking for.  So I set out on a journey.  Seeking music.  Seeking everything I once based my life off of.  Searching for that which held my heart before she had, so I could give the rest of it to her someday.  I am on a journey, maybe someday I will find what I seek.

Pretty Little Lies

You seem so comfortable in your life

surrounded by all those pretty little lies

But I know all the truths that you don’t tell

I can see through those pretty little eyes


Contentions are laid to rest

from the lies that you have told

But they seep right through my hands

because your lies I will not hold


Even when it’s what you want from me

with your fallacies I will not contend

Your lies have grown to hurt me

so no longer will I be here to defend


As small as I may matter to you

you mean a hell of a lot to me

Everything I thought you were

is everything that I wanted to be


But as your lies overwhelm me

to you they are simple truths

What you put off as absolute

is full of all these sugary untruths


Someday I will be strong enough

walk away from it for once and for all

I will fight throughout the bullshit

and will continue to stand up tall.


Single lonely tear drop falls onto the floor

Remembering her past, she yearns for something more

Something deep inside her, starting to reappear

No longer holding onto those things that she did fear

Opens up her windows as she closes her broken door

Piecing together her heart that her inner battlefield had tore

Google Search ImageStitches required mending, her cracks needed bits of glue

In the end knowing she could finally be herself again

Would be what got her through

Sometimes I Get Lost

Sometimes I wonder what in the hell is going on with me.  I lose myself so often, that I am surprised that I ever manage to find myself back where I belong.  I find the world and most of its contents to be a disappointment.  I get that I need to take everything with a grain of salt, but what happens when you’re being fed handfuls?  I just want to run a way from it.  I have my own little corner in which I duck down under the shadows, but sometimes I don’t want to hide away from everything.  Sometimes I want to just be there in your face like a ray of sunshine, like a drop of rain, or a snowflake that seemingly lands on your cold red nose.

I want to be so much more than I am, or ever have been.  I know there are many layers to myself that I have yet to peel.  I fail to do so out of fear,and disgust.  Fear that what I may uncover may be even worse than what I see now, and disgust for being so afraid to be myself.  I like to think that someday all this shit I have been force fed, and been dragged through will have a reason.  A pleasant outcome.  But again, fear kicks in and slaps that thought in the face.

I am a very pessimistic person, due to many factors.  I have many things in my life to be thankful for, and I am, but I know they will be there always.  I don’t need to worry about certain people because I know they will be there forever and ever.  I like to believe they will, and sometimes I even psych myself out of that thought, but it always returns.  No worries.  I just want a little bit more.

I am like a ninja, when I finally get on the right track, I beat myself up about it and fall right back to the same old shit I am used to.  The norm feels good to me, feels comfortable.  I haven’t met anybody who likes complacency as much as I do.  I think that’s why I sabotage myself every time something good comes along.  One of these days I will finally have everything I want in life.  Although I know that with my luck it will most likely be the day right before I die.  Let’s hope I have everything figured out completely wrong.  I have always told myself and friends to always assume the worst, that way when something good happens, it is so much more exciting.  Someday…

Many Days

Tomorrows have come and gone,

so many days have passed.

You had been walking down

such a strange and twisted path.

Life has a way of grabbing hold

and slapping you in the face.

Every twist that has come along,

has landed you in your place.

Life had always looked so simple

from behind your schoolgirl eyes.

Now you have children of your own,

things change, you have realized.

With everything you have been handed,

you’ve managed to still find your way.

A wife you may not be anymore,

but you grow as a mother everyday.

A far cry from where you started

to where you have finally arrived.

Lessons you’ve learned the hard way,

hard as they were, you have survived.

Take A Fall

Take a walk or take a fall,

that is my choice to make.

But in the end I’ve been through it all,

and for this I will not break.

I’m stronger than this and I know it,

moving on is a must.

Even if I don’t show it,

to this, even I can adjust.

Anger has almost consumed me,

It’s time to let love back in.

Happy as I can possibly be,

give in to my heart once again.