I open the door of which I’ve hid behind, releasing me from this hell. I let myself out into the world to find peace. A peace that can’t be found inside my head, nor inside my heart. Such a peace that once it washes over me I feel clean. I feel as if it has sunk in, beyond skin deep, but deeper into the blackness of my soul. Filling the inner emptiness with Serenity. No longer empty, no longer angry, no longer in pain. To stand here looking into the vast world before me with new eyes. Never to look back at that which has held me in place for this long. Never looking back.
My heart beats like whispers
Just a star amongst the storm
An irrational constellation
That is quietly taking form
To shine below the heavens
Shedding light onto this land
Forged by the fury of your orbit
As you’ve graced me with a hand
To hold me down onto this dirt
As we wait out this stormy weather
Beneath these blackened skies
Our hearts shall beat together
I feel like I’m running circles
Doing laps inside my head
Never imagined living this life
feeling like part of me was dead
I’ve lost so many battles
I don’t know where to begin
But I can drag myself through this
and I will walk upright again
I peer inside my inner self
so I can find my motivation
To move in any direction
to land where I fall
no pre determined destination
Since the day I met her I knew I loved her. I lived my life for her for so long I could barely remember who I was. I had everything I had ever wanted… Or did I? I had set my dreams aside for her, to live beside her, to love her. I almost forgot where my drive for life had originated. I loved music, almost as much as I loved her. Possibly more so, I don’t even know anymore. She was the love of my life, but music WAS my life. I had put it off for so long, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I had to see if this was all there was for me, or if there was something more out there waiting, hoping I would find it. I would have to leave her for awhile, but she had my heart and you can’t leave your heart for good. She knew I’d be back once I found what I was looking for. So I set out on a journey. Seeking music. Seeking everything I once based my life off of. Searching for that which held my heart before she had, so I could give the rest of it to her someday. I am on a journey, maybe someday I will find what I seek.
You seem so comfortable in your life
surrounded by all those pretty little lies
But I know all the truths that you don’t tell
I can see through those pretty little eyes
Contentions are laid to rest
from the lies that you have told
But they seep right through my hands
because your lies I will not hold
Even when it’s what you want from me
with your fallacies I will not contend
Your lies have grown to hurt me
so no longer will I be here to defend
As small as I may matter to you
you mean a hell of a lot to me
Everything I thought you were
is everything that I wanted to be
But as your lies overwhelm me
to you they are simple truths
What you put off as absolute
is full of all these sugary untruths
Someday I will be strong enough
walk away from it for once and for all
I will fight throughout the bullshit
and will continue to stand up tall.
Single lonely tear drop falls onto the floor
Remembering her past, she yearns for something more
Something deep inside her, starting to reappear
No longer holding onto those things that she did fear
Opens up her windows as she closes her broken door
Piecing together her heart that her inner battlefield had tore
In the end knowing she could finally be herself again
Would be what got her through
Sometimes I wonder what in the hell is going on with me. I lose myself so often, that I am surprised that I ever manage to find myself back where I belong. I find the world and most of its contents to be a disappointment. I get that I need to take everything with a grain of salt, but what happens when you’re being fed handfuls? I just want to run a way from it. I have my own little corner in which I duck down under the shadows, but sometimes I don’t want to hide away from everything. Sometimes I want to just be there in your face like a ray of sunshine, like a drop of rain, or a snowflake that seemingly lands on your cold red nose.
I want to be so much more than I am, or ever have been. I know there are many layers to myself that I have yet to peel. I fail to do so out of fear,and disgust. Fear that what I may uncover may be even worse than what I see now, and disgust for being so afraid to be myself. I like to think that someday all this shit I have been force fed, and been dragged through will have a reason. A pleasant outcome. But again, fear kicks in and slaps that thought in the face.
I am a very pessimistic person, due to many factors. I have many things in my life to be thankful for, and I am, but I know they will be there always. I don’t need to worry about certain people because I know they will be there forever and ever. I like to believe they will, and sometimes I even psych myself out of that thought, but it always returns. No worries. I just want a little bit more.
I am like a ninja, when I finally get on the right track, I beat myself up about it and fall right back to the same old shit I am used to. The norm feels good to me, feels comfortable. I haven’t met anybody who likes complacency as much as I do. I think that’s why I sabotage myself every time something good comes along. One of these days I will finally have everything I want in life. Although I know that with my luck it will most likely be the day right before I die. Let’s hope I have everything figured out completely wrong. I have always told myself and friends to always assume the worst, that way when something good happens, it is so much more exciting. Someday…
Tomorrows have come and gone,
so many days have passed.
You had been walking down
such a strange and twisted path.
Life has a way of grabbing hold
and slapping you in the face.
Every twist that has come along,
has landed you in your place.
Life had always looked so simple
from behind your schoolgirl eyes.
Now you have children of your own,
things change, you have realized.
With everything you have been handed,
you’ve managed to still find your way.
A wife you may not be anymore,
but you grow as a mother everyday.
A far cry from where you started
to where you have finally arrived.
Lessons you’ve learned the hard way,
hard as they were, you have survived.
Take a walk or take a fall,
that is my choice to make.
But in the end I’ve been through it all,
and for this I will not break.
I’m stronger than this and I know it,
moving on is a must.
Even if I don’t show it,
to this, even I can adjust.
Anger has almost consumed me,
It’s time to let love back in.
Happy as I can possibly be,
give in to my heart once again.
This poem is about a great friend of mine who has been through a lot of stuff with me. She is the only person on this crazy earth that fully understands my pain. We went through it together and continue to keep the light on to guide each other down the right path. She is very special to me. I hope you enjoy this one. 🙂
Our lives crossed paths some time ago,
How far we’ve come seems like a dream.
The rough waters we had been rafting on
Are now but mere rocking streams.
Stepping stones we walked together,
Each others guiding light along the darkened path.
Not knowing how far this road would take us,
Never knowing how long we could even last.
Growing stronger after every twisted mile,
This journey has yet to see its end.
Side by side, the whole way through,
O’er every bump, and every bend.
We started off as simple strangers,
Now the bond we share can never be undone.
Our whittled fragile hearts of flesh,
Now carved out of blood and stone.