Soul Searching

I’ve had to do some searching
Down deep within my soul
I kept looking for that missing piece
Forgetting what made me whole
I had hid in every darkened doorway
And run from every chance at light
I’ve found every reason to be angry
And always picked a fight
I let myself believe I was the victim
Even though I was usually in the wrong
I can’t believe I let it happen
Especially for so long
But life has taught me lessons
Ones I’d heard but never learned
That things do not come easy
Only with work can they be earned
So search my soul I did
And my heart spilled out
For once I sat and listened to its words
Finally understanding what this life’s about
So today I start living
Forgetting all that try to drag me down
Staying afloat in this crazy ocean of emotions
Without the fear that I will drown

Open door

I open the door of which I’ve hid behind, releasing me from this hell.  I let myself out into the world to find peace.  A peace that can’t be found inside my head, nor inside my heart.  Such a peace that once it washes over me I feel clean.  I feel as if it has sunk in, beyond skin deep, but deeper into the blackness of my soul.  Filling the inner emptiness with Serenity.  No longer empty, no longer angry, no longer in pain.  To stand here looking into the vast world before me with new eyes.  Never to look back at that which has held me in place for this long.  Never looking back.

Circles

I feel like I’m running circles

Doing laps inside my head

Never imagined living this life

feeling like part of me was dead

I’ve lost so many battles

I don’t know where to begin

But I can drag myself through this

and I will walk upright again

I peer inside my inner self

so I can find my motivation

To move in any direction

to land where I fall

no pre determined destination

On the road…

Since the day I met her I knew I loved her.  I lived my life for her for so long I could barely remember who I was.  I had everything I had ever wanted… Or did I?  I had set my dreams aside for her, to live beside her, to love her.  I almost forgot where my drive for life had originated.  I loved music, almost as much as I loved her.  Possibly more so, I don’t even know anymore.  She was the love of my life, but music WAS my life.  I had put it off for so long, I just couldn’t do it anymore.  I had to see if this was all there was for me, or if there was something more out there waiting, hoping I would find it.  I would have to leave her for awhile, but she had my heart and you can’t leave your heart for good.  She knew I’d be back once I found what I was looking for.  So I set out on a journey.  Seeking music.  Seeking everything I once based my life off of.  Searching for that which held my heart before she had, so I could give the rest of it to her someday.  I am on a journey, maybe someday I will find what I seek.

Ranting again oh my…

I am simply tired.  Tired of trying to understand what other people are thinking.  Attempting to get inside someone else’s mind and figure out what issues they may or may not have with me.  I feel like I am cornered in my mind, with no way out.  I think, or over think every situation, good or bad.  I over defend people who in the eyes of others don’t deserve it, but I give way too many second chances.  I allow people to hurt me repeatedly in hopes that one day I will learn my lesson.  I haven’t learned one yet.  I am like a ticking time bomb and I let the smallest of things set me off.  I always leave a nasty little mess behind, but I always manage to pick up those pieces that have fallen behind me.  Granted after so many times, they never seem to fit back together quite right.  But we all lose parts of ourselves along the way, bits and pieces here and there.  Such is life and from what I hear it sucks, well I will agree with that.  I hold onto all the negativity that surrounds me and I tend to soak it up like a sponge.  And try as I might, it’s a hard thing to lose once it’s grabbed ahold.  I just want to be able to put my past behind me, and get back on track with some kind of positive future to look forward to.  I worry that by doing that I may lose some parts of me that I can never get back and I haven’t decided which is worse yet.  To move on and drag that broken baggage along, or to leave it at the bag check and start over empty.  It’s always a hard decision.  It’s one I’ve been twiddling my thumbs over for awhile, in fear of making a wrong choice.  I feel alone in this, I feel like I have been sentenced to solitary confinement and the only time I have contact with the outside world is to ease their mind about something or other.  How is that fair to me?  I am just ready to go to sleep, a big long drawn out sleep.  One full of dreams that keep this rotten existence of reality at bay for awhile.  One that allows me to smile at something more than someone else’s happiness.  One that doesn’t allow lies and deceit to fly off the lips of those I care about.  The kind of dream where the feelings I have for someone, whether friend or family, are actually reciprocated.  I hope that one day I will no longer have to wish for such dreams to occur , that they are a normality in my life.  That I too can smile at the simplicities of the world around me.  But I am far from that still, maybe it’s a destination that I will never reach.  With all the faith that I have lost in people, I still have an inkling of hope, I keep it tucked down deep so nobody can steal it from me, but it’s there and maybe someday I will be glad that I did keep such a silly thing.

The Move

I often sit and ponder on how my life would be

if I didn’t move, if I lived my life for me

But I can’t afford to think like that

I’ve got little ones to think of first

As many wrong decisions I have made

leaving everything behind is the one that hurts

Would it have been so selfish to think of only me 

before I thought of the children

After all moving was never my option

it was predetermined and I wasn’t consulted

Tossed in my lap, and told I was wrong if I didn’t go

Told I was no kind of mother if I decided no

So here I am, left everything of mine back home

gone for only god knows how long, no one else knows

This much unhappiness and misery can’t be good for me

I know it’s not healthy either for my kids to see

And try as I might to fight it, it always seems to win

so in turn I try to hide it, until it pops back up again

I hate where my life is, and I hate having no one around

I hate the feeling that knowing how bad this hurts me

none of my friends seek me, so I will never be found

Lost inside this little corner I hide within my head

afraid if I don’t decompress 

and climb out of this hole I have dug

that I will hide in here until I am dead

Destined to be someone other than myself for how long?

I have no idea about anything anymore

I did what I was told was right

I came here so far from home, 

without so much as a fight

Maybe that was my problem

maybe I should never have allowed you to go

I should have stayed and fought, I may have lost the fight

but I may have kept my sanity

I may never have dug deeper inside my wretched skull

hiding all these feelings of hate and disgust

But I guess I may never know…

Let Your Sun Shine Down (for my mother)

And I thought I heard you shouting

from out behind the moon

So I searched for you there to no avail

I must be just imagining things again

I do that from time to time

I will picture your face on a nobody

who is simply passing me by

Sad isn’t it?

Am I that far lost?

You are so far away

but you reside within my heart

I see you in everything

reflections of me, of my past

growing up from the earth

shining down on me from above

You’re there on every sunny day

but I know when the clouds cover the sky

that you’re still there

you’d never go away again would you?

I need you there, here, everywhere

I need you now, like I needed you then

I miss you more than ever

To see you again would be heaven

here on this gray earth

There’s not much I would pray for

but I would do it for you

Just one more day

is more than I can have

But I will settle for the sunshine

that still reminds me of you

And I will bask in it’s warmth

from time to time to keep you close

As close as I can keep you.