After All

I used to look back

Because those were brighter days

But that was before I sat myself down inside the chaos

Before I let myself be absorbed into the darkness that surrounded me

My heart isn’t made up of brighter days

After all

It’s made up of hostility and hatred

Shattered hopes and dying dreams

It’s as dark as the day when the sun finally burns out

I’m burning out

Spinning in circles only fans the flames

I’m so full of fury

That it drips off my brow like sweat

Fueling the anger that runs hot beneath my skin

Filling these empty voids with memories like tinder

As I set fire to all the good I’ve kept within

My heart isn’t made for brighter days

After all

Not with all the darkness that it’s soaked in

Chaotic

I’ve learned how to live comfortably in the chaos.

I breathe it in like oxygen.

I let it wash over me like a summer rain

Soaking it up like sunshine

It’s built itself up around me

Four walls and a roof

And I reside here with just my thoughts to keep me company

Memory Induced Insomnia

Words and images crash against my skull
A train gone off its rails
Unbearable madness trying desperately to break through
But the surface is stronger than my will power
The chaos creeps up through the cracks
Broken seams it seems
Fissures overfilled with the wreckage
Empty mechanics ruptured in ways I never imagined possible
Such pandemonium in my head
Only when the fog lights dim and I set my mind to cruise control

Catching Fire

Cut me open and let my demons flow out
Bleeding words onto the page like spilled ink
Writing and rewriting these memories in my head
Broken promises cast long lasting shadows
Keeping my scars hidden from the world
Voices calling out to me from the darkness
Trying to convince me to come play in the chaos yet again
Thinking in circles, spinning out of control
Fighting with these feelings of insignificance
Tearing flesh hastily from my bones
To let these thoughts out
The fiends dance on the tip of my tongue
Trying to tell me how to speak
Gloom envelopes me in its blanket
Keeping me safe inside the warmth
This heart is not a flicker but a flame
I let myself catch fire
To keep the world from judging me

My thoughts run into the negative
And I know I should run from them
But instead I stay and let the dark consume me
I’m becoming comfortable with the chaos
I don’t know any other way

Memories of you fill my head like smoke
Snuffing out lost hopes and dreams
Swirling around me in a whirlpool of chaos
And when the tear drops start to fall, they drown me
Crashing into my heart like a tidal wave
Rolling me over and under
Over and under
Just a speck of sand in an ever growing abyss of sadness
And just when I think I’ve finally swum to safety
Memories of you drag me back under

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