Sometimes I Get Lost

Sometimes I wonder what in the hell is going on with me.  I lose myself so often, that I am surprised that I ever manage to find myself back where I belong.  I find the world and most of its contents to be a disappointment.  I get that I need to take everything with a grain of salt, but what happens when you’re being fed handfuls?  I just want to run a way from it.  I have my own little corner in which I duck down under the shadows, but sometimes I don’t want to hide away from everything.  Sometimes I want to just be there in your face like a ray of sunshine, like a drop of rain, or a snowflake that seemingly lands on your cold red nose.

I want to be so much more than I am, or ever have been.  I know there are many layers to myself that I have yet to peel.  I fail to do so out of fear,and disgust.  Fear that what I may uncover may be even worse than what I see now, and disgust for being so afraid to be myself.  I like to think that someday all this shit I have been force fed, and been dragged through will have a reason.  A pleasant outcome.  But again, fear kicks in and slaps that thought in the face.

I am a very pessimistic person, due to many factors.  I have many things in my life to be thankful for, and I am, but I know they will be there always.  I don’t need to worry about certain people because I know they will be there forever and ever.  I like to believe they will, and sometimes I even psych myself out of that thought, but it always returns.  No worries.  I just want a little bit more.

I am like a ninja, when I finally get on the right track, I beat myself up about it and fall right back to the same old shit I am used to.  The norm feels good to me, feels comfortable.  I haven’t met anybody who likes complacency as much as I do.  I think that’s why I sabotage myself every time something good comes along.  One of these days I will finally have everything I want in life.  Although I know that with my luck it will most likely be the day right before I die.  Let’s hope I have everything figured out completely wrong.  I have always told myself and friends to always assume the worst, that way when something good happens, it is so much more exciting.  Someday…

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Just a Simple Soundtrack

You know how you hear a song and instantly connect due to similar feelings or circumstance? I do this for almost every emotion I have, I assign a song to it. Almost like my emotions have a soundtrack. And lately I’ve felt many things, but the dominating feeling is an overwhelming disgust with people and my life in general. And I’m going to have to say that the song that has the closest match to my feelings is White Knuckles – by Five Finger Death Punch. This is a really good song by a great band. I love it but it just explains exactly how I feel.
Just getting sick of all the bullshit.

“White Knuckles”- Five Finger Death Punch

Oh, fuck it all!

Sick of being sick and tired, sick of understanding
Tired of feeling sick to my stomach
Demons inside command me
They’re saying crush it, break it, smash it
Fuckin’ kill ’em all!
Laugh as it falls away
I won’t dodge another silver bullet
Just to save a little face

[Chorus:]
I want you to know, I want you to see
I want you to look beyond your own eyes
Past your afflictions

How many people really care?
How many will be standing?
I’ll light the match, the flame, the fuse, the bomb
Rescue the world from slavery
I wanna torch it, burn it, scorch it, fuckin’ stomp it out
Laugh as it blows away
I won’t eat another rotten apple
Though I’ve grown to like the taste

[Chorus:]
I want you to know, I want you to see
I want you to look beyond your own eyes
Past your afflictions
I want you to hurt, want you to bleed
I want you to look beyond your own face
Past your infections

I’m taking back control with my knuckles
I’m taking back control with my knuckles
I’m taking back control with my knuckles
I’m taking back control with my knuckles

Smash it, burn it, break it, kill it
Fuck ’em all!

[Chorus:]
I want you to know, I want you to see
I want you to look beyond your own eyes
Past your afflictions
I want you to hurt, want you to bleed
I want you to look beyond your own face
Past your infections

~heart & soul~

Grain of Salt

Day after day, people disappoint me. There is no getting around that fact. The ones I love do, and sometimes my best friend does. Sometimes when everything that’s wrong with the world consumes you, you just need someone to vent to. But when something good happens, it seems like no one is there to listen to your story, no one is around to give a damn. I have given up on so many people because I just don’t have it in me to hold my heart out for them any longer. I’m tired, and that’s all there is to it. But there are some who I feel sometimes make an effort, and I am still holding on to that. It’s not perfect, and it may not even be real, but I hold tight. And despite the fact that some of them disappoint me, I still believe that I can’t let them down if ever they need me. I’m not that kind of person. Nor will I ever be. I guess I’ve learned to live with disappointments simply because they will always be present, and its inevitable that someone who matters will be on the giving end of that. The grain of salt, I suppose, that comes with all good things.

~heart & soul~