Sometimes I wonder what in the hell is going on with me. I lose myself so often, that I am surprised that I ever manage to find myself back where I belong. I find the world and most of its contents to be a disappointment. I get that I need to take everything with a grain of salt, but what happens when you’re being fed handfuls? I just want to run a way from it. I have my own little corner in which I duck down under the shadows, but sometimes I don’t want to hide away from everything. Sometimes I want to just be there in your face like a ray of sunshine, like a drop of rain, or a snowflake that seemingly lands on your cold red nose.
I want to be so much more than I am, or ever have been. I know there are many layers to myself that I have yet to peel. I fail to do so out of fear,and disgust. Fear that what I may uncover may be even worse than what I see now, and disgust for being so afraid to be myself. I like to think that someday all this shit I have been force fed, and been dragged through will have a reason. A pleasant outcome. But again, fear kicks in and slaps that thought in the face.
I am a very pessimistic person, due to many factors. I have many things in my life to be thankful for, and I am, but I know they will be there always. I don’t need to worry about certain people because I know they will be there forever and ever. I like to believe they will, and sometimes I even psych myself out of that thought, but it always returns. No worries. I just want a little bit more.
I am like a ninja, when I finally get on the right track, I beat myself up about it and fall right back to the same old shit I am used to. The norm feels good to me, feels comfortable. I haven’t met anybody who likes complacency as much as I do. I think that’s why I sabotage myself every time something good comes along. One of these days I will finally have everything I want in life. Although I know that with my luck it will most likely be the day right before I die. Let’s hope I have everything figured out completely wrong. I have always told myself and friends to always assume the worst, that way when something good happens, it is so much more exciting. Someday…