Dead Inside

Scalding water washing over me

With bare breasts and flushed skin

Hoping for pain unbearable

Needing to feel something real

Trying so hard to wash away my sadness

But I just can’t scrub hard enough

Can’t clean myself deep enough

The rot has buried it’s roots inside me

Growing slowly, thriving on my anger

Corrupting every last bit of me

Leaving dread in corners long neglected

Like an infection that spreads without care

Not repulsed by hatred and burnt flesh

It hungers for more, so I push it deeper

I cry out louder, someone hear me

But my screams are silenced

By walls I built around my lungs

Strangled by my tortured hands

Fighting back against myself

In this losing battle of dark and light

I stand here quietly as death lingers on my tongue


The cold wind blows
Clashing with hot breath
Flame filled barrels
Fighting against the winter storm
Teeth chattering
As fingers freeze beneath ripped gloves
White canvas sneakers
Soaked through from sloshy brown snow
Last week’s newspaper
Fuel for the fire
Hoping winters rage takes a break
Long enough for toes to thaw
Slowly starving themselves
And the flames under a frozen tunnel
Homelessness is freezing to death while living in hell

Stink of You

These thoughts linger like the stench of death It has embedded itself into my pores
Covering me with its filth
This grotesque madness engulfs me
Rotting me inside out
Flowing through my veins like sewage
Causing the infection to spread
Scavenging around inside my worn down heart
Picking through the best of me
The only salvageable parts that are left
Stuffing them into holes dug with my memories
Filling me to the brim with dirt and death
But I just can’t get the stink of you off of me

Through the Smoke

It’s getting harder and harder to see the good in a world filled to the brim with the bad.

This evil flows freely through every crevice and crack, overfilling and overflowing into our lives as sure as sunshine.

When corrupting even the purest of hearts is so easy nowadays, where can we stand to get out of the fire?

How can we continue to walk forward when everything around us is burning to the ground?

I need help looking through the smoke, and learning to live with the heat.

Because this hell on Earth isn’t going away, it’s growing and claiming all that we love as it’s own.


The infection rages

As the pain seers through my flesh like a wildfire
Ripping every tree in the forest limb from limb
Burning alive from the inside out

This infection grows
As this pain gains momentum, tearing through my veins like a twister
Ripping every home and loved one away from the foundation
Leaving only death and destruction behind

The infection kills
As the pain begins to seep into my blood like a virus
Slowly draining every drop of strength left in me
Nothing left but a hollow shell

Burning Me Down

I lit this match

I deserve to burn
every single broken inch
So let this fire inside me rage
Let it run rampant like a wildfire
Let it pull in the innocence and waste it like a drug
Let it burn until I’m ashes
Until this heart has stopped beating
I fueled this fire
I set myself a blaze
Orange flames rise up to engulf me
The heat swallows me whole
My lungs cry out in silence
These lips no longer speak words
Uttering such madness
Keep your water pails at bay
Please just let this fire burn me into the ground

the death of a bubbly personality

I think part of my being able to get a handle on my social anxiety is to come out and tell you more about me how I was as a child, when I started to become less social, and when I finally snapped and stopped almost all together.

I was a typical happy kid. I had a shitty childhood due to my parents issues but that didn’t change me inside much. When I was young I had lots of friends, I loved getting out of the house and playing with people. I attended girl scouts and junior book clubs. I went to skating rinks, arcades, and sleep overs.

When I was a pre teen I hung out with friends, went bike riding with neighborhood kids, and met kids at the Fair Haven State Park all summer long. I was still an active member of girl scouts and was taking both clarinet lessons and chorus. I loved all of it. I loved life and people.

When I was a teenager I played 1st base and shortstop on the girls softball team. I worked as a helper in a local bakery where I was constantly interacting with new people every day. I was in some plays at school too. I enrolled in band class and tried out for solos in chorus. I was an alto in chorus and despite my ability to sing pretty well I was always turned down.

I was an awkward girl who liked wearing grandpa sweaters and argyle socks, suspenders and ties. I had a quirky personality, I was bubbly and outgoing, but not enough I suppose. The typical pretty blonde who was friends with all of the rich kids at school was chosen for everything. She got all the solos in chorus, she got all the best parts in the play. She had all the boys that I liked grovel over her.

As I got halfway through high school people started to hold value in the girl who got picked for everything. They forgot that even though I wasn’t picked first, or chosen for solos, that I was still a fun and friendly person. I was still the same person as I always was, but they forgot that. My friends slowly became too busy for me, so I slowly became too busy for myself.

I started to find new friends, the ones who were also kind of rejected and just hung around with them and their friends even though they smoked pot and drank. I still to this day have never smoked pot, but I did drink occasionally. I became quiet, withdrawn, and stopped going to band and chorus. I dropped out of girl scouts and didn’t rejoin the softball team the following year. I still worked at the bakery but almost completely kept myself out in the kitchen away from the public.

I had started to doubt that I was the fun, friendly person that I had always thought I was. I dropped out of school further secluding myself. I have never fully got that bubbly personality back. It will show itself once in awhile, but not often. I don’t participate in things because I worry people won’t like me. I can’t go to pta meetings for fear that parents will judge me. I don’t allow my kids to join sports or after school activities because I am afraid of having to interact with other parents.

I wish I could be better for them. I wish that I didn’t worry about everything, and that life was easier on my kids. They deserve much better. One day I hope I can be everything my kids need and I am working on it.

I have started going over to a new neighbors home once a week for coffee. We sit and chat for awhile and the kids play together. I have looked for anxiety meetings but can’t find any in my area, but I will keep looking. I am hopeful. But in the meantime I am slowly trying to change myself.

Sorry about this being so long, I just thought it would be good for me to show when my changes began. :). – lacie

Little Reminders

Every day I come across memories., little reminders of her. Everything lately reminds me.. Simple things like songs on the radio, and her ceramic angels that line my walls. Even her shirt that hangs in my closet, the one she wore on frannie’s first easter. I don’t have much left of my mother. I don’t have any pictures of her and I together. I don’t have very many actual memories of her. Most of them I’m not even sure are real memories, but I like to think that they are. I recall a lot of bad times growing up and very few good ones. My mom was hardly perfect, far from it actually, but I loved her regardless. Whether I followed in her footsteps or I paved my own path, I don’t know, but I am also far from perfect. But lately the sun has been peeking out from behind the clouds, and I like to think she’s watching over me. I am not religious and I do not believe in God, but I do find comfort in the sun. The other day the sun shone down on me and every thought, good and bad, had come back to me. She is still with me, I carry her close, as close as I can. I love her and I miss her. But I am thankful for these little reminders. I will never have to worry about forgetting her face, or her voice, or how much she means to me.

into the night

As I sit here wondering, pondering
All alone my mind is wandering
Thinking thoughts of regret and sorrow
Knowing that my shitty today
Will turn into a shittier tomorrow
Holding tight under my cloak of black
Hoping hell has a tunnel back
But I fear I’m stuck inside these fiery tombs
Drowning my lungs in the burning fumes
Losing faith in men unseen
Even death couldn’t make me clean
Thoughts lost in dark, I’m losing light
Seems my world is engulfed by night
Hatred brews in this mind of mine
And I lose touch from time to time
I let it slither under my skin
It eats me up from outside in
I wish my fears would somehow fade
So I could forget the mistakes I’ve made
But this hell within has its grip so tight
That not even hope could make this right
I think this is it,
I may have lost the fight
All that’s left is to drift off into the night