Infection

The infection rages

As the pain seers through my flesh like a wildfire
Ripping every tree in the forest limb from limb
Burning alive from the inside out

This infection grows
As this pain gains momentum, tearing through my veins like a twister
Ripping every home and loved one away from the foundation
Leaving only death and destruction behind

The infection kills
As the pain begins to seep into my blood like a virus
Slowly draining every drop of strength left in me
Nothing left but a hollow shell

Burning Me Down

I lit this match

I deserve to burn
every single broken inch
So let this fire inside me rage
Let it run rampant like a wildfire
Let it pull in the innocence and waste it like a drug
Let it burn until I’m ashes
Until this heart has stopped beating
I fueled this fire
I set myself a blaze
Orange flames rise up to engulf me
The heat swallows me whole
My lungs cry out in silence
These lips no longer speak words
Uttering such madness
Keep your water pails at bay
Please just let this fire burn me into the ground

the death of a bubbly personality

I think part of my being able to get a handle on my social anxiety is to come out and tell you more about me how I was as a child, when I started to become less social, and when I finally snapped and stopped almost all together.

I was a typical happy kid. I had a shitty childhood due to my parents issues but that didn’t change me inside much. When I was young I had lots of friends, I loved getting out of the house and playing with people. I attended girl scouts and junior book clubs. I went to skating rinks, arcades, and sleep overs.

When I was a pre teen I hung out with friends, went bike riding with neighborhood kids, and met kids at the Fair Haven State Park all summer long. I was still an active member of girl scouts and was taking both clarinet lessons and chorus. I loved all of it. I loved life and people.

When I was a teenager I played 1st base and shortstop on the girls softball team. I worked as a helper in a local bakery where I was constantly interacting with new people every day. I was in some plays at school too. I enrolled in band class and tried out for solos in chorus. I was an alto in chorus and despite my ability to sing pretty well I was always turned down.

I was an awkward girl who liked wearing grandpa sweaters and argyle socks, suspenders and ties. I had a quirky personality, I was bubbly and outgoing, but not enough I suppose. The typical pretty blonde who was friends with all of the rich kids at school was chosen for everything. She got all the solos in chorus, she got all the best parts in the play. She had all the boys that I liked grovel over her.

As I got halfway through high school people started to hold value in the girl who got picked for everything. They forgot that even though I wasn’t picked first, or chosen for solos, that I was still a fun and friendly person. I was still the same person as I always was, but they forgot that. My friends slowly became too busy for me, so I slowly became too busy for myself.

I started to find new friends, the ones who were also kind of rejected and just hung around with them and their friends even though they smoked pot and drank. I still to this day have never smoked pot, but I did drink occasionally. I became quiet, withdrawn, and stopped going to band and chorus. I dropped out of girl scouts and didn’t rejoin the softball team the following year. I still worked at the bakery but almost completely kept myself out in the kitchen away from the public.

I had started to doubt that I was the fun, friendly person that I had always thought I was. I dropped out of school further secluding myself. I have never fully got that bubbly personality back. It will show itself once in awhile, but not often. I don’t participate in things because I worry people won’t like me. I can’t go to pta meetings for fear that parents will judge me. I don’t allow my kids to join sports or after school activities because I am afraid of having to interact with other parents.

I wish I could be better for them. I wish that I didn’t worry about everything, and that life was easier on my kids. They deserve much better. One day I hope I can be everything my kids need and I am working on it.

I have started going over to a new neighbors home once a week for coffee. We sit and chat for awhile and the kids play together. I have looked for anxiety meetings but can’t find any in my area, but I will keep looking. I am hopeful. But in the meantime I am slowly trying to change myself.

Sorry about this being so long, I just thought it would be good for me to show when my changes began. :). – lacie

Little Reminders

Every day I come across memories., little reminders of her. Everything lately reminds me.. Simple things like songs on the radio, and her ceramic angels that line my walls. Even her shirt that hangs in my closet, the one she wore on frannie’s first easter. I don’t have much left of my mother. I don’t have any pictures of her and I together. I don’t have very many actual memories of her. Most of them I’m not even sure are real memories, but I like to think that they are. I recall a lot of bad times growing up and very few good ones. My mom was hardly perfect, far from it actually, but I loved her regardless. Whether I followed in her footsteps or I paved my own path, I don’t know, but I am also far from perfect. But lately the sun has been peeking out from behind the clouds, and I like to think she’s watching over me. I am not religious and I do not believe in God, but I do find comfort in the sun. The other day the sun shone down on me and every thought, good and bad, had come back to me. She is still with me, I carry her close, as close as I can. I love her and I miss her. But I am thankful for these little reminders. I will never have to worry about forgetting her face, or her voice, or how much she means to me.

into the night

As I sit here wondering, pondering
All alone my mind is wandering
Thinking thoughts of regret and sorrow
Knowing that my shitty today
Will turn into a shittier tomorrow
Holding tight under my cloak of black
Hoping hell has a tunnel back
But I fear I’m stuck inside these fiery tombs
Drowning my lungs in the burning fumes
Losing faith in men unseen
Even death couldn’t make me clean
Thoughts lost in dark, I’m losing light
Seems my world is engulfed by night
Hatred brews in this mind of mine
And I lose touch from time to time
I let it slither under my skin
It eats me up from outside in
I wish my fears would somehow fade
So I could forget the mistakes I’ve made
But this hell within has its grip so tight
That not even hope could make this right
I think this is it,
I may have lost the fight
All that’s left is to drift off into the night

Remember Forever

That Christmas was one I will remember forever. Santa didn’t leave anything under my tree. We didn’t sing carols with our loved ones. I didn’t enjoy the wonderful Christmas feast before me, and there was no figgy pudding. I wasn’t alone, but I felt like I was. I felt an overwhelming darkness seeping into my skin. My own hell was warm enough to melt the freshly fallen snow. I tried to be festive. I put on my mask, the one with the plastic smile. I oozed fake joy and happiness, it filled the room. I was burning on the inside, but I stayed cool as ice. My thoughts held my tongue still. 

Not a single damning word left my lips until I felt safe. Until I was somewhere I knew I wouldn’t be judged. With the car pulled over so I could let my words flow free, on the side of the road. I could have been in a room with ten thousand people and I would have been alone. I cried out in pain as my tears broke free. I thanked him for being there, for holding me, for letting my irrationalities take hold of both of us momentarily. He knew me well. If he hadn’t been there, if he hadn’t understood me, I’d have been a broken mess.

Holidays never sat well with me. I never understood them, and they never understood me. I had contemplated many a time about my departure. That Christmas was no different. He knew. I was the type that felt like I had nothing to live for, that wanted to cut out early. He knew that that day was worse than every other. He held me, reassured me it was ok. It turned out I was going to be after all. So he held me and I slept. Soundly, safely.

Christmas was over and I was still there. I had made it through the darkness in my head. Safe and sound. My own Christmas miracle perhaps. My phone rang and I answered it. My world cracked. In the midst of my own depression I forgot about my mother. I thought she was ok, she seemed fine three days before. But I suppose I seemed fine to her as well. The disbelief of the news dropped me to the floor. Drowning in my own tears, I called out for her. She was gone. Those same demons poking fun of me the day before had been poking fun at my mother as well. I should have known. We were more alike than I knew. Similar in feelings, and thoughts. My demons had been beaten, but that day she lost her battle.

She lost and I lost, we all lost to her demons. I couldn’t save her, I couldn’t even save me. It hurt. It still hurts. Pieces of me died with her. They lie beside her, in her box made out of wood. I oft wonder if they have rotted away as she does. I try and hold on to her smile in my heart. Sometimes it’s hard. Other times I think she reminds me. There are many things I have forgotten in my few years that I wish I could have held onto longer. The good memories are scarce. But the memory of that Christmas is strong. It is bittersweet. I won and lost all at once. Part of me died that day, but the rest lives on. She lives on, metaphorically. Forever is such a long time, and I still have so many years left to go, but I will never forget. I will never forget those feelings, the demons, the fight. The win, the loss, the life I still have.

That Christmas was the one I will remember forever. I must never forget…

Dedicated to my mother whose demons proved to be too much for her. She lives in my heart, and I miss her.

Fears

I am afraid to lose those that I love
So I stopped feeling love
I am afraid of getting to close
So I keep my distance
I fear death
So I never really live
I fear the unknown
So I never believe
I hate living this lie
So I sugar coat my own truth
I hate my truth
So I keep living my fucking lie
I am afraid of my own fears
So I close my eyes and hide