After All

I used to look back

Because those were brighter days

But that was before I sat myself down inside the chaos

Before I let myself be absorbed into the darkness that surrounded me

My heart isn’t made up of brighter days

After all

It’s made up of hostility and hatred

Shattered hopes and dying dreams

It’s as dark as the day when the sun finally burns out

I’m burning out

Spinning in circles only fans the flames

I’m so full of fury

That it drips off my brow like sweat

Fueling the anger that runs hot beneath my skin

Filling these empty voids with memories like tinder

As I set fire to all the good I’ve kept within

My heart isn’t made for brighter days

After all

Not with all the darkness that it’s soaked in

No Avail

Trying to swallow my own madness

But this insanity creeps up slowly

Clawing first at my lungs so I can’t breathe

Making its way through the lump in my chest

Tearing open my throat as all of my anger spills out

Dripping pain and sorrow onto my hands as I try to hold myself together

To no avail

lights out

There is no light when the love’s gone

There are no better days or open doors

It’s like walking through fields of water overflowing

Each step you slip deeper

Every minute brings you closer to the edge

An abyss awaits to suck you in and bring you down

It’s there to remind you of everything you’ve loved and lost

To convince you that nothing matters because all of the shit that used to, left you behind

Waiting in the distance hoping to watch you cave in

Under the weight of it all

To drown in the very tears that held memories as they slid down your cheek

It’s dark when the light is off

And cold when the love runs out

Fool me once

I’m a fool

I fool myself into believing in people and love and lies

I fool myself into thinking this time will be different

This one will be different

That I’ll be different

I fool myself into listening to people and bullshit and lies

I fool myself into believing that the grass can be greener on the other side of the fence

Only to realize that I am that which creates the poison

That which grows the toxic roots that spread amongst everything I touch

I am a fool

I’ve been fooled into believing in people and lies and myself

Some days I’m full of fire

Like embers dancing with the wind

A full on wildfire

Burning bridges at both ends

On others I fall fast like ashes

Just a burnt out speck spread amongst the filth

Burying myself alive

Underneath my own guilt

My demons keep on coming

They just keep knocking at my door

I try to turn them away

But they’ve been here before

They want to play with my frailty

To claw their way into my head

I tried to turn them away

But, I’ve let them in instead

Down

I’m just feeling down

Like a seed of sadness buried deep beneath the soil

I know I need to grow roots of hope for a future

But I’m here drowning

In the outpouring of love

Thinking I’m undeserving

Believing there’s nothing here to show

Like a stunted flower

Nothing left of me to grow

Reality

This sadness covers me like a thick fog

I can feel it sticking to my skin

Enshrined by my inner darkness set free

Whispering secrets in my own ear

As I’m the only one who’s listening

A tragedy written in blood

Bleeding through the fabric laid over my eyes

As my tears fall steadily

Washing away remnants of happy thoughts

It pulls me in deeper

Every time I try to push away

Back and forth my thoughts go

Like a game of tug of war with myself

I’ve let myself walk into the madness

Heavy in my heart

Light on my feet

Engulfed in my own chaos

Like a dark cloud wrapped around me

Injecting my fears onto people

Distancing myself from their warmth

Slipping back into this somber reality