Overflowing

I let my disappointment build up until it overflows onto everything I hold dear
It stifles my heart to the point that my words no longer mean anything
I’m quiet and timid and offputting
I am a great distance from not only those that I care about but also myself
I can’t remember the last time I smiled a real smile
I’m worried that no future is going to be any better than my past or my present
My light is dimming and I’m losing myself in this dark hole that I crawled into
I’m lost and this ever growing anger is pushing me farther into the abyss

the death of a bubbly personality

I think part of my being able to get a handle on my social anxiety is to come out and tell you more about me how I was as a child, when I started to become less social, and when I finally snapped and stopped almost all together.

I was a typical happy kid. I had a shitty childhood due to my parents issues but that didn’t change me inside much. When I was young I had lots of friends, I loved getting out of the house and playing with people. I attended girl scouts and junior book clubs. I went to skating rinks, arcades, and sleep overs.

When I was a pre teen I hung out with friends, went bike riding with neighborhood kids, and met kids at the Fair Haven State Park all summer long. I was still an active member of girl scouts and was taking both clarinet lessons and chorus. I loved all of it. I loved life and people.

When I was a teenager I played 1st base and shortstop on the girls softball team. I worked as a helper in a local bakery where I was constantly interacting with new people every day. I was in some plays at school too. I enrolled in band class and tried out for solos in chorus. I was an alto in chorus and despite my ability to sing pretty well I was always turned down.

I was an awkward girl who liked wearing grandpa sweaters and argyle socks, suspenders and ties. I had a quirky personality, I was bubbly and outgoing, but not enough I suppose. The typical pretty blonde who was friends with all of the rich kids at school was chosen for everything. She got all the solos in chorus, she got all the best parts in the play. She had all the boys that I liked grovel over her.

As I got halfway through high school people started to hold value in the girl who got picked for everything. They forgot that even though I wasn’t picked first, or chosen for solos, that I was still a fun and friendly person. I was still the same person as I always was, but they forgot that. My friends slowly became too busy for me, so I slowly became too busy for myself.

I started to find new friends, the ones who were also kind of rejected and just hung around with them and their friends even though they smoked pot and drank. I still to this day have never smoked pot, but I did drink occasionally. I became quiet, withdrawn, and stopped going to band and chorus. I dropped out of girl scouts and didn’t rejoin the softball team the following year. I still worked at the bakery but almost completely kept myself out in the kitchen away from the public.

I had started to doubt that I was the fun, friendly person that I had always thought I was. I dropped out of school further secluding myself. I have never fully got that bubbly personality back. It will show itself once in awhile, but not often. I don’t participate in things because I worry people won’t like me. I can’t go to pta meetings for fear that parents will judge me. I don’t allow my kids to join sports or after school activities because I am afraid of having to interact with other parents.

I wish I could be better for them. I wish that I didn’t worry about everything, and that life was easier on my kids. They deserve much better. One day I hope I can be everything my kids need and I am working on it.

I have started going over to a new neighbors home once a week for coffee. We sit and chat for awhile and the kids play together. I have looked for anxiety meetings but can’t find any in my area, but I will keep looking. I am hopeful. But in the meantime I am slowly trying to change myself.

Sorry about this being so long, I just thought it would be good for me to show when my changes began. :). – lacie

Broken Wounds

I let shit fester
And I dwell on things that hurt my heart
Like a broken wound
That I tear open and let bleed
Over and over again
I can wipe the blood away
But the cut remains
Still aching, slowly infecting me
So I break myself down
Like an unwanted box
I’m empty on the inside and out
Tear me apart
Made up of reused pieces
Damaged lungs and a broken heart
Even though it still hurts
I will rip off the scab
To re-open the wounds
Because that’s all that I know
So I will let shit fester
And I will dwell on things that hurt my heart

Remember Forever

That Christmas was one I will remember forever. Santa didn’t leave anything under my tree. We didn’t sing carols with our loved ones. I didn’t enjoy the wonderful Christmas feast before me, and there was no figgy pudding. I wasn’t alone, but I felt like I was. I felt an overwhelming darkness seeping into my skin. My own hell was warm enough to melt the freshly fallen snow. I tried to be festive. I put on my mask, the one with the plastic smile. I oozed fake joy and happiness, it filled the room. I was burning on the inside, but I stayed cool as ice. My thoughts held my tongue still. 

Not a single damning word left my lips until I felt safe. Until I was somewhere I knew I wouldn’t be judged. With the car pulled over so I could let my words flow free, on the side of the road. I could have been in a room with ten thousand people and I would have been alone. I cried out in pain as my tears broke free. I thanked him for being there, for holding me, for letting my irrationalities take hold of both of us momentarily. He knew me well. If he hadn’t been there, if he hadn’t understood me, I’d have been a broken mess.

Holidays never sat well with me. I never understood them, and they never understood me. I had contemplated many a time about my departure. That Christmas was no different. He knew. I was the type that felt like I had nothing to live for, that wanted to cut out early. He knew that that day was worse than every other. He held me, reassured me it was ok. It turned out I was going to be after all. So he held me and I slept. Soundly, safely.

Christmas was over and I was still there. I had made it through the darkness in my head. Safe and sound. My own Christmas miracle perhaps. My phone rang and I answered it. My world cracked. In the midst of my own depression I forgot about my mother. I thought she was ok, she seemed fine three days before. But I suppose I seemed fine to her as well. The disbelief of the news dropped me to the floor. Drowning in my own tears, I called out for her. She was gone. Those same demons poking fun of me the day before had been poking fun at my mother as well. I should have known. We were more alike than I knew. Similar in feelings, and thoughts. My demons had been beaten, but that day she lost her battle.

She lost and I lost, we all lost to her demons. I couldn’t save her, I couldn’t even save me. It hurt. It still hurts. Pieces of me died with her. They lie beside her, in her box made out of wood. I oft wonder if they have rotted away as she does. I try and hold on to her smile in my heart. Sometimes it’s hard. Other times I think she reminds me. There are many things I have forgotten in my few years that I wish I could have held onto longer. The good memories are scarce. But the memory of that Christmas is strong. It is bittersweet. I won and lost all at once. Part of me died that day, but the rest lives on. She lives on, metaphorically. Forever is such a long time, and I still have so many years left to go, but I will never forget. I will never forget those feelings, the demons, the fight. The win, the loss, the life I still have.

That Christmas was the one I will remember forever. I must never forget…

Dedicated to my mother whose demons proved to be too much for her. She lives in my heart, and I miss her.

The New Year…

I have been doing a lot of thinking about this new year.  I am starting to see how different I have become from years before.  I have let go of people in my life in this past year that I was holding onto for my own insecure reasons, and I have been trying like hell to move on.  I am slowly but surely getting past them, but it is still hard.  I am finding that I do not really have any friends, and as pathetic as that seems, it is all my doing.  I am the type of person who would do anything for a friend, too much for someone really.  I rarely see the bad in people, and I always give them multiple chances, which really is only some type of proof to me that I have friends.  But who wants or needs those types of friends?  Not me anymore.  I think my biggest problem, in fact I know it is, is my anxiety issues, it doesn’t allow me to socialize like normal people, I have the hardest time making friends.  It literally makes me sick to have to talk to someone I do not know.  That makes for a really awkward time.  I made a major move to Florida from New York in 2011 and haven’t been able to make friends here due to this issue.  So those that I have managed to make in the past I tend to hold onto dearly, even though they aren’t really friends.  I have noticed my depression slowly getting better since breaking off communication with certain people, and even though it is extremely bittersweet and I want to reach out to them, I don’t.  I miss them, or at least the concept of them.  I miss the motivated, happy, cheerful me, but I guess that will come back in time.  Or at least I hope it does.  Because while I may not feel half as depressed as I did months ago, I am still lonely as hell in this little world I have created for myself.  I am going to try to work on my anxiety issues, and my phobia of people and make friends, actual friends this time.  That is my goal for this year.  I am going to be 29 on january 4th and I will have no one to celebrate with, and I am really getting sick of that.  So I guess I have a lot more thinking to do, and a lot of hard work ahead of me, but I think I can do it.  I appreciate you sitting through my whole crazy little rant, and if you have any experience with anxiety and can give me some pointers on getting rid of it I would be super appreciative.

Little Reminders

Yesterday I cut my hair, yes I know big deal.  Well I just used a razor comb and didn’t have any kind of plan set out, I just kind of went with the flow.  Looks pretty decent btw.  Well today I woke up all disheveled and went to brush my hair, glanced in the mirror and was blown away at how my hair looked.  As untidy as it was, the thing that hit me the most was how much it looked just like the haircut my mother had for practically all of my life.  Of course memories of her hit me like a rock to the face.  I miss her, she left too soon.  My mother was only 44 when her depression got to be too much for her to cope with.  She took her own life the day after christmas back in 2008.  She has been gone for many years now, but I think she’s still here with me.  She wasn’t the perfect mother and that’s ok, because I am not either.  I loved her regardless.  Depression can be a really difficult thing to overcome for some people, I have had my own battles with it.  I am happy to say that I have come out on the winning side, unfortunately not everyone does.  As angry as we may be that a loved one makes the decision to take their own life, we need to realize that they have their reasons.  I know and understand why my mother is gone.  We all deal with something painful in our lives.  Coping with some pain can be a bitch, and really takes a toll on a person, which is what happened with my mother.  I hope she is in a better place, wherever that may be, with people that she has loved and lost.  I know that her pain and suffering is over, and that is enough of an answer for me as to why she did it.  She loved me from the minute I was born, and I will love her until my last breath has been expelled, maybe longer, I don’t know.  All I know is she has missed out on so much, and maybe someday, somehow, I will be able to fill her in on it all.

 

My mother the day my oldest son was born.