My demons keep on coming

They just keep knocking at my door

I try to turn them away

But they’ve been here before

They want to play with my frailty

To claw their way into my head

I tried to turn them away

But, I’ve let them in instead


I’m just feeling down

Like a seed of sadness buried deep beneath the soil

I know I need to grow roots of hope for a future

But I’m here drowning

In the outpouring of love

Thinking I’m undeserving

Believing there’s nothing here to show

Like a stunted flower

Nothing left of me to grow


This sadness covers me like a thick fog

I can feel it sticking to my skin

Enshrined by my inner darkness set free

Whispering secrets in my own ear

As I’m the only one who’s listening

A tragedy written in blood

Bleeding through the fabric laid over my eyes

As my tears fall steadily

Washing away remnants of happy thoughts

It pulls me in deeper

Every time I try to push away

Back and forth my thoughts go

Like a game of tug of war with myself

I’ve let myself walk into the madness

Heavy in my heart

Light on my feet

Engulfed in my own chaos

Like a dark cloud wrapped around me

Injecting my fears onto people

Distancing myself from their warmth

Slipping back into this somber reality

Dead Inside

Scalding water washing over me

With bare breasts and flushed skin

Hoping for pain unbearable

Needing to feel something real

Trying so hard to wash away my sadness

But I just can’t scrub hard enough

Can’t clean myself deep enough

The rot has buried it’s roots inside me

Growing slowly, thriving on my anger

Corrupting every last bit of me

Leaving dread in corners long neglected

Like an infection that spreads without care

Not repulsed by hatred and burnt flesh

It hungers for more, so I push it deeper

I cry out louder, someone hear me

But my screams are silenced

By walls I built around my lungs

Strangled by my tortured hands

Fighting back against myself

In this losing battle of dark and light

I stand here quietly as death lingers on my tongue

“You’re just like your mother”

That’s what she was told since the day she was born. She was born stuck in a vicious cycle of self hatred and bad influences. Her father was an abuser. He had a tendency to put his hands on women, while her mom had trouble putting the bottle down. Her mother was a drinker, self medicating to deal with abuse and mental illnesses.

But she was just like her mother. She learned to deal with her emotions with Jack and a coke. She continued the cycle of self hatred and bad influences on herself, not knowing any better, having learned it from birth.

Her mother, before the bottle took hold and her depression brought her down, was a happy healthy beautiful young woman, full of love and life. One she would have killed to have had a chance to know. If only that mother was the one she could have turned out to be like. Alas, that’s not how life goes and to this day she says to herself, “You’re just like your mother.” And she was.


I keep looking over my shoulder
Hoping there’s someone out there searching for me with lantern in hand and a kind heart
I’ve hidden behind these shadows for so long that I’ve lost myself in the dark
I’ve absorbed it through my skin the way I should the sun
Darkness surrounds me and I desperately seek the way out
Can’t someone come save me


I stand here lifeless as the water beats down fast and hard on my skin
Getting hotter and hotter as it turns my flesh from peach to red
The steam rises fogging up the glass, blurring my vision
The pain isn’t enough to clear my thoughts of inadequacy
It isn’t enough to redeem me for the things I’ve said or done to myself
I’ve gone numb to these feelings of hurt and hate
It seems that no amount of fire or fury can get through to me
I’ve grown cold and hardened to it all
But I still stand here lifeless with the tiniest of hopes of chipping away at the ice built up around my heart

My thoughts run into the negative
And I know I should run from them
But instead I stay and let the dark consume me
I’m becoming comfortable with the chaos
I don’t know any other way