Overflowing

I let my disappointment build up until it overflows onto everything I hold dear
It stifles my heart to the point that my words no longer mean anything
I’m quiet and timid and offputting
I am a great distance from not only those that I care about but also myself
I can’t remember the last time I smiled a real smile
I’m worried that no future is going to be any better than my past or my present
My light is dimming and I’m losing myself in this dark hole that I crawled into
I’m lost and this ever growing anger is pushing me farther into the abyss

Playing God

I wish that I could erase time

I wouldn’t slow it down

nor reverse it

or even speed it up

just pick and choose

what to keep

and what to throw away

I wish that I could play God

with my own memories

I would doctor them up

so every recollection

was without you in it

no more constant reminders

of our broken past

I wish to clear this dirt away

from my rose colored glasses

to look past the lies

before my eyes

to tune out the words you speak

to forget that feel

of your arms around me

I wish to have more chances

with someone else

to remember things I loved

people I’ve missed

to look back at

everything I’ve missed out on

that seems so out of reach

I wish I didn’t have to wish

that you had been truthful

that you were true

I wish things had been perfect

that forever was in my grasp

I wish that you had seen

before the ending had come so fast

Losing faith

I am losing faith

in everything I ever knew

in everything I never knew

in all that you say

in all that you do

you ask me once

you asked me twice

what would I do if I were you

that is a question unanswered

for I am not in your mind

I can not tell you what to think

I know not where your heart lies

All I know is where mine is hidden

and someday I will release it from within the dark

whether or not you are with me

is up to you

and whether you ever figure out what you want

Sometimes… Rant

I am so close to giving up, like it was never worth it to begin with.  Like it was just a waste of time.  As another moment passes and another question surfaces, I lower my head in thought.  Thinking whether I should keep going, or just let it go.  Trying hurts, but so does letting go.  I guess I have to figure out which will hurt less.  I hate the not knowing, the wondering, the chase, the end.  I hate losing, and since I am a perpetual loser you’d think I’d have been out of the game a long long time ago.  But no, because I am also a masochist.  It’s a wonderful feeling, the rush, the pain, in a sick, sad, depressing kinda way.  It draws me in.  Sinks its teeth deep into my skin, and becomes one with my flesh.  So, you see, I am in a bind.  In a circular torture chamber, I keep spinning from one evil to the next.  I try to hang on, I try to let go, and can successfully do neither.  So I am stuck in limbo between the two.  Running in place.  Grasping for something else, something more.  Holding out for the one who can see behind the mask, behind the obvious fakeness that I portray.  The one, who without words, can tell that I am in need, and fulfill it.  The one who is willing to walk into the blackness to seek me out.  Grabbing me in the dark, fulfilling that need that I have, that only he can see.  I am still waiting, holding on.  Forever waiting…  Find me…