I don’t believe in fate, or destiny. I don’t think that good things come to those who wait. I don’t have faith in a higher power, nor do I believe that if only I pray hard enough that everything will be ok. I am cynical and a non believer in many things. I believe things that I have seen with my own eyes, touched with my own hands, heard through my own ears. I think that with time some wounds scab over but never fully heal. I believe in making mistakes and having regrets. I think that being first is scary as hell and would be perfectly content going second every single time. I don’t believe in do overs but I do believe in second chances, and sometimes thirds if I am feeling weak. I think relationships are overrated and are sometimes more trouble than they are worth. I do believe in love and love the feeling of love without all the complications that come along with it. I don’t believe that dogs are a mans best friend, not mine at least. I believe in making plans but not taking them too seriously. I think some of the best memories are made on a whim. I don’t believe that there is some predetermined path that we all walk down. I have walked on pavement, and gravel. I have walked through sand, mud puddles and tall fields. I have fought my way through forests and I still stand. I am not yet tired but when I am I will lie myself down. I don’t believe that when I’m gone I will go to Hell or Heaven. I believe that my mind will die, while my body remains tucked safely away beneath the ground.
I am lost so deep in the dark that no amount of light could bring me home. No amount of faith could bring me peace. No amount of love could overcome this hate that builds inside of me. So lost that this path takes me in circles. It’s like playing a horror movie on an unending repeat. Torturing me over and over and over. I’m dying on the inside, despite the smile that graces my face. I am almost content hiding inside this never-ending darkness. I feel whole inside this unhappy place.
Tonight, my head beats
Louder than my heart
Slowing, silently giving up
So many wasted moments
Too many tragically lost years
So tomorrow, I give up again
Giving in to all my fears
My broken hopes
And diminished dreams
I let go of faith
As it remains unseen
But for tonight,
My head beats
Louder than my heart
Lately I have been fighting myself. I’ve been digging up my past truths, fallacies, and memories, that once hurt less than they do now. I am caught in limbo, stuck questioning that which has no answer. I am fighting hand to hand with my faith. Not my faith as in religious terms, but faith in myself. I struggle to figure out a way around the hole I dig for myself. This song reminds me of my struggles. Although the thing Matty is struggling with in the song isn’t the same as mine, I love that I can interpret it to fit my situation and let it help me too. This song is called The Sinner by Memphis May fire.
I am lost here without a light
in the darkness of this night
growing ill of all the wandering
but I won’t give up without a fight
Although my heart is surely stressing
from the constant inner pressing
sick to death of all my pondering
and my need for second guessing
Simple comforts I have no need for
this winding walk has made my feet sore
to reach an end is all I’m longing
struggling within my inner core
No shoes to walk down roads in
this gravel has worn my soles thin
the pain I am just prolonging
slowly wearing out my own skin
This chance that I am taking
seems to have been in the making
of a game I am forever losing
while my faith in this is breaking
Lost the endless losing battle
all of the useless prattle
this game was of your choosing
but my spirit you can’t rattle
So I’ll walk alone within this dark
on a journey only I can embark
rubbing sticks between my hands
until a subtle flame does spark
Only then will I again be found
after all the traversed ground
in the blackness of these lands
I will no longer be bound
I need to do some soul searching,
but is there anything left for me to find?
Is everything lost within me,
never wanting to be found?
A journey through my heart is futile,
if all I find is dust.
If my inner workings have all began to rust.
Complacently sitting here,
losing all my faith in trust.
Losing my want to delve into places unknown.
My desire to find myself is lacking.
hoping theres something still alive inside.
living within me.
What I hide down deep,
is slowly but surely consuming the rest of me.