Remember Forever

That Christmas was one I will remember forever. Santa didn’t leave anything under my tree. We didn’t sing carols with our loved ones. I didn’t enjoy the wonderful Christmas feast before me, and there was no figgy pudding. I wasn’t alone, but I felt like I was. I felt an overwhelming darkness seeping into my skin. My own hell was warm enough to melt the freshly fallen snow. I tried to be festive. I put on my mask, the one with the plastic smile. I oozed fake joy and happiness, it filled the room. I was burning on the inside, but I stayed cool as ice. My thoughts held my tongue still. 

Not a single damning word left my lips until I felt safe. Until I was somewhere I knew I wouldn’t be judged. With the car pulled over so I could let my words flow free, on the side of the road. I could have been in a room with ten thousand people and I would have been alone. I cried out in pain as my tears broke free. I thanked him for being there, for holding me, for letting my irrationalities take hold of both of us momentarily. He knew me well. If he hadn’t been there, if he hadn’t understood me, I’d have been a broken mess.

Holidays never sat well with me. I never understood them, and they never understood me. I had contemplated many a time about my departure. That Christmas was no different. He knew. I was the type that felt like I had nothing to live for, that wanted to cut out early. He knew that that day was worse than every other. He held me, reassured me it was ok. It turned out I was going to be after all. So he held me and I slept. Soundly, safely.

Christmas was over and I was still there. I had made it through the darkness in my head. Safe and sound. My own Christmas miracle perhaps. My phone rang and I answered it. My world cracked. In the midst of my own depression I forgot about my mother. I thought she was ok, she seemed fine three days before. But I suppose I seemed fine to her as well. The disbelief of the news dropped me to the floor. Drowning in my own tears, I called out for her. She was gone. Those same demons poking fun of me the day before had been poking fun at my mother as well. I should have known. We were more alike than I knew. Similar in feelings, and thoughts. My demons had been beaten, but that day she lost her battle.

She lost and I lost, we all lost to her demons. I couldn’t save her, I couldn’t even save me. It hurt. It still hurts. Pieces of me died with her. They lie beside her, in her box made out of wood. I oft wonder if they have rotted away as she does. I try and hold on to her smile in my heart. Sometimes it’s hard. Other times I think she reminds me. There are many things I have forgotten in my few years that I wish I could have held onto longer. The good memories are scarce. But the memory of that Christmas is strong. It is bittersweet. I won and lost all at once. Part of me died that day, but the rest lives on. She lives on, metaphorically. Forever is such a long time, and I still have so many years left to go, but I will never forget. I will never forget those feelings, the demons, the fight. The win, the loss, the life I still have.

That Christmas was the one I will remember forever. I must never forget…

Dedicated to my mother whose demons proved to be too much for her. She lives in my heart, and I miss her.

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Embers

This sky is on fire

the clouds are burning down

fighting thoughts of degradation

leaving nothing in these hands

just soot stained fingerprints

around your forlorn throat

life outside you

lost within you

deep inside the fold

turned outside in

and inside out

it’s all the same

grasping onto everything

the wind perpetrates the embers

wreaking havoc on your soul

nothing left of your cooling ashes

nothing left to make you whole

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Overflow Me

These memories,

They haunt me

They have filled me to the brim

Filled me with fire and ice

Choking on the ashes that fall from my own lips

Whilst my heart only grows colder

Harder

Contradicting the others ability

Those memories

Those taunting visions are the gasoline that fuels me

The ones that bring me down

Leaving nothing but  a hollowed out shell

Climb inside and replace those recollections

Fill me with your life

Your love

Make me overflow

 

 

 

 

Sometimes… Rant

I am so close to giving up, like it was never worth it to begin with.  Like it was just a waste of time.  As another moment passes and another question surfaces, I lower my head in thought.  Thinking whether I should keep going, or just let it go.  Trying hurts, but so does letting go.  I guess I have to figure out which will hurt less.  I hate the not knowing, the wondering, the chase, the end.  I hate losing, and since I am a perpetual loser you’d think I’d have been out of the game a long long time ago.  But no, because I am also a masochist.  It’s a wonderful feeling, the rush, the pain, in a sick, sad, depressing kinda way.  It draws me in.  Sinks its teeth deep into my skin, and becomes one with my flesh.  So, you see, I am in a bind.  In a circular torture chamber, I keep spinning from one evil to the next.  I try to hang on, I try to let go, and can successfully do neither.  So I am stuck in limbo between the two.  Running in place.  Grasping for something else, something more.  Holding out for the one who can see behind the mask, behind the obvious fakeness that I portray.  The one, who without words, can tell that I am in need, and fulfill it.  The one who is willing to walk into the blackness to seek me out.  Grabbing me in the dark, fulfilling that need that I have, that only he can see.  I am still waiting, holding on.  Forever waiting…  Find me…

Forever

Would you trade forever

at the promise of one last kiss

if it meant that you could never

look back and reminisce

Would you take that wrong turn

in hopes that it would turn out right

even if your heart does burn

it could be a guiding light

Would you attempt another chance

if those are the only cards you’re dealt

just one more gruesome charade

a reminder of how forever once felt

– LacieJay –

You Said

Live in the moment, you said

As I lie here dying

Say what you must, you said

So with my last breath

I whispered your name

My first death

One of many

Metaphorically speaking

You only live once, you said

But I’ve seen too much already

You live what you learn, you said

I’ve learned heartbreak a plenty

The battlegrounds of life

My first loss

One of many

Seasoned vet in the art of love and war

You will always be here, you said

As you were walking away

You’ll never really be far, you said

In my heart you will stay

I’ll keep your memory

My first love

One of many

To love true, is to hold on forever