I used to look back
Because those were brighter days
But that was before I sat myself down inside the chaos
Before I let myself be absorbed into the darkness that surrounded me
My heart isn’t made up of brighter days
It’s made up of hostility and hatred
Shattered hopes and dying dreams
It’s as dark as the day when the sun finally burns out
I’m burning out
Spinning in circles only fans the flames
I’m so full of fury
That it drips off my brow like sweat
Fueling the anger that runs hot beneath my skin
Filling these empty voids with memories like tinder
As I set fire to all the good I’ve kept within
My heart isn’t made for brighter days
Not with all the darkness that it’s soaked in
Somewhere along the line I gave up
I gave in
I created a room
That I could lock my head and heart in
I built up these walls with unbreakable stone
Knowing that self preservation meant being alone
Sitting here lonely, this love gathering dust
Drifting away in my tears
Surely becoming covered in rust
Hoping one day that these walls come crashing down
Before these fears hold me under
And I slowly drown
I am awake in this dream
once just a dream within a dream
now I can see
what before I couldn’t
I’ve seen but can’t un see
the things that have been hidden
hiding behind my eyes
they disguise themselves
no they hide in a disguise
to wake within a dream
unable to be what is to be
I have finally seen
what has always been meant
for me to see
I’ve felt the hand of hell
and it presses hot upon my skin
let me in he says,
let me in, now let me in
no longer dreaming while I sleep
for I awoke
from within this slumber
I was but a dreamer
and in that dream
I was but a number
Just the one who holds the truth
in that dream made up of lies
and I realize
my sleeping has grown weary
and my eyes have grown teary
but no longer do I fear
this dreamer behind these eyes
Up again go these walls,
engulfing what I hold dearest.
Hiding in the darkest,
in hopes it’ll never be found.
I’ve grown comfortable in myself,
not with myself,
but in myself.
Buried deep under my layers.
Silence can’t come soon enough.
I’m done searching.
Finished waiting in line,
waiting my turn.
Stowing away everything I’m afraid to lose.
Everything I know you’d take, given the chance.
No more chances.
No more hoping,
longing for something.
For anything at all.
Contentions laid to rest.
In this blanket of flesh,
I build my walls up of stone.
A non penetrable force,
to guard my heart,
my life, my love, my everything…
My nothing at all.
Your shadow engulfs me like a cloak
Under which I can hide
From the world,
From the truth of it all
Keeping me warm
Tucked under your wings
Holding me close despite everything
Lost in those words
That you speak so well
Falling asleep so calm
In the midst of a raging hell
Holding my hand tight
Despite your bitter touch
Keeping me safe
Keeping me in thought
Keeping me bound
In this place
In your arms
Under your cloak made of shadows
In a world where darkness lingers
and the night is all I know,
I hope in some hidden corner,
the light is sure to show.
I will search until I find it,
working my way out of this night.
For I am more than that has consumed me,
I too, hide a tiny bit of light.