My Last Mistake

This was to be my first entry to trifecta’s writing challenge in awhile.  unfortunately I missed the deadline, which makes me sad.  But life goes on.

It wasn’t the first time but it would be my last.  Driving under the influence was the worst way I could have gone.  Was my life really worth that last sip of whiskey?

Let Your Sun Shine Down (for my mother)

And I thought I heard you shouting

from out behind the moon

So I searched for you there to no avail

I must be just imagining things again

I do that from time to time

I will picture your face on a nobody

who is simply passing me by

Sad isn’t it?

Am I that far lost?

You are so far away

but you reside within my heart

I see you in everything

reflections of me, of my past

growing up from the earth

shining down on me from above

You’re there on every sunny day

but I know when the clouds cover the sky

that you’re still there

you’d never go away again would you?

I need you there, here, everywhere

I need you now, like I needed you then

I miss you more than ever

To see you again would be heaven

here on this gray earth

There’s not much I would pray for

but I would do it for you

Just one more day

is more than I can have

But I will settle for the sunshine

that still reminds me of you

And I will bask in it’s warmth

from time to time to keep you close

As close as I can keep you.

Little Reminders

Yesterday I cut my hair, yes I know big deal.  Well I just used a razor comb and didn’t have any kind of plan set out, I just kind of went with the flow.  Looks pretty decent btw.  Well today I woke up all disheveled and went to brush my hair, glanced in the mirror and was blown away at how my hair looked.  As untidy as it was, the thing that hit me the most was how much it looked just like the haircut my mother had for practically all of my life.  Of course memories of her hit me like a rock to the face.  I miss her, she left too soon.  My mother was only 44 when her depression got to be too much for her to cope with.  She took her own life the day after christmas back in 2008.  She has been gone for many years now, but I think she’s still here with me.  She wasn’t the perfect mother and that’s ok, because I am not either.  I loved her regardless.  Depression can be a really difficult thing to overcome for some people, I have had my own battles with it.  I am happy to say that I have come out on the winning side, unfortunately not everyone does.  As angry as we may be that a loved one makes the decision to take their own life, we need to realize that they have their reasons.  I know and understand why my mother is gone.  We all deal with something painful in our lives.  Coping with some pain can be a bitch, and really takes a toll on a person, which is what happened with my mother.  I hope she is in a better place, wherever that may be, with people that she has loved and lost.  I know that her pain and suffering is over, and that is enough of an answer for me as to why she did it.  She loved me from the minute I was born, and I will love her until my last breath has been expelled, maybe longer, I don’t know.  All I know is she has missed out on so much, and maybe someday, somehow, I will be able to fill her in on it all.

 

My mother the day my oldest son was born.

And the storm will pass….

It is hard to feel alive when everything around you is dead or dying.

And some times it’s hard to find inspiration when the world seems to be caving in around you.

Maybe I am not looking hard enough, seeking far enough, seeing what is right before my eyes.

I will look harder this time, look beyond a dying moment.

Out of death, life emerges.

When I feel like the storm has me weathered, and the clouds come rolling through.

I’ll wait for the clouds to pass, and look up to the heavens.

And there is where I see you and your smile peeking through.

Dedicated to my mother, who despite her flaws, was a wonderful woman whom I wish I had had more time with. She will always be missed.

Tear (in memory of my mother, whom I miss immensely)

A single lonely tear
A world full of hurt
A silent conversation
A dismal head bow
A lingering exit
A love never forgotten
A single lonely tear

Dear mom,
If you can hear what I’m thinking, or feel what I’m feeling, then you know how much I miss you. If you can’t, then let me tell you… I miss you with everything I have in me. Someday I hope that I will get to see you again. Until then, know that my love for you has not, nor will it ever die. Ps. I’d wake up with a smile on my face if you decided to invite yourself into my dreams tonight, I’d give anything to see your smile once more.
Love Always,
Lacie

~heart & soul~