lights out

There is no light when the love’s gone

There are no better days or open doors

It’s like walking through fields of water overflowing

Each step you slip deeper

Every minute brings you closer to the edge

An abyss awaits to suck you in and bring you down

It’s there to remind you of everything you’ve loved and lost

To convince you that nothing matters because all of the shit that used to, left you behind

Waiting in the distance hoping to watch you cave in

Under the weight of it all

To drown in the very tears that held memories as they slid down your cheek

It’s dark when the light is off

And cold when the love runs out

Fool me once

I’m a fool

I fool myself into believing in people and love and lies

I fool myself into thinking this time will be different

This one will be different

That I’ll be different

I fool myself into listening to people and bullshit and lies

I fool myself into believing that the grass can be greener on the other side of the fence

Only to realize that I am that which creates the poison

That which grows the toxic roots that spread amongst everything I touch

I am a fool

I’ve been fooled into believing in people and lies and myself

Some days I’m full of fire

Like embers dancing with the wind

A full on wildfire

Burning bridges at both ends

On others I fall fast like ashes

Just a burnt out speck spread amongst the filth

Burying myself alive

Underneath my own guilt

Just a Simple Soundtrack

I haven’t done a Just a Simple Soundtrack post in 4 years. My gosh, what is wrong with me? I’m going to start doing them again. These posts are both fun and soothing for me, and you just may get to hear some music that is new to you. Sounds like a win-win to me.

Anyways, lately I’ve been lost. Just kinda drifting through life without any rhyme or reason. I’ve been distant from everyone who doesn’t reside with me. My family moved to Tennessee a year ago and while I love it out here in the country, it gets very lonely. I’ve always struggled with depression and being alone most of the day really makes it worse. My anxiety has become almost unbearable at times. The anxiety feeds on my depression, which in turn feeds my anxiety even more. I’m stuck on a vicious circle inside this tiny bubble of mine. It really sucks and sometimes I just want to wash away down my shower drain. I’ve secluded myself from friends and family. Sometimes all I need is for someone to save me from myself.

 

This song is Drown and it’s by a band called Bring Me The Horizon.  I can relate to a lot of their lyrics, but this one hits me the hardest lately. Enjoy.

 

Burning Me Down

I lit this match

I deserve to burn
every single broken inch
So let this fire inside me rage
Let it run rampant like a wildfire
Let it pull in the innocence and waste it like a drug
Let it burn until I’m ashes
Until this heart has stopped beating
I fueled this fire
I set myself a blaze
Orange flames rise up to engulf me
The heat swallows me whole
My lungs cry out in silence
These lips no longer speak words
Uttering such madness
Keep your water pails at bay
Please just let this fire burn me into the ground

Everything

You are the sound of my heart beat
And the taste that lingers on my tongue
You are the silence in a crowded room

You are the crack in my voice
And the breath on my bathroom mirror
You are the water that cleanses me

You are the condensation on my window
And the daisy in my front yard
You are the flight in birds

You are the smile on my face
And the hurt in my chest
You are the confusion in my head

You are everything

Hanging On

My mind is shaky
I’m hanging over a cliff
Trying my best to hold onto the crumbling wall
Just dangling in the breeze
Hoping that the gentlest of winds doesn’t blow me over the edge
But I am fragile
Even more cracked than these broken rocks I grip tight to
Digging my nails into the dirt
Scratching at my death
Wondering for what or whom am I still holding on for
Letting go slowly
I lift my fingers one by one
Loosening my grip on my shattered dreams
I crumble and come crashing down to the bottom of the pit
Forgetting for a second
Just my lonely moment
All that was ever meant to be

Tonight I Shut The World Out

Tonight i shut the world out
No more texts or calls
No more defending my reasons
Im shutting out them all
I need some peace and quiet
I have to sit and think
So many things burden my mind
That im teetering on the brink
Im falling into madness
Sinking in the sand so deep
Ive really gotten into something
This thing is keeping me from sleep
So until ive got the answers
And this confusion figured out
I will sit alone and ponder
Of who i can and cannot live without

My Lessons

Everyday I live, I learn
Be the lesson big or small
But take them in I will
I will try to understand them all
Life has taught me things
That can’t be learned in any book
Things that before I stopped to listen
Usually I would overlook
Not appreciating the haves
When the have nots kept piling in
Always throwing down my cards
Before I even had a chance to win
Always taking the bad news
Before I’d hear the good
I wish I had stopped to listen sooner
If only I knew I could
Never knowing where I was headed
Kept me fearful, in my place
But life has begun to move me
From my normal darkened space
And show me things
That at one time I didn’t know
Now that I finally get it
I can finally grow
I can leave the past behind me
In a trail of rustled dust
And never look back at that that used to haunt me
Now focusing on tomorrow is a must