Fears

I am afraid to lose those that I love
So I stopped feeling love
I am afraid of getting to close
So I keep my distance
I fear death
So I never really live
I fear the unknown
So I never believe
I hate living this lie
So I sugar coat my own truth
I hate my truth
So I keep living my fucking lie
I am afraid of my own fears
So I close my eyes and hide

Love In Death

She lies there and listens to the foot steps getting closer.  There’s a sudden flash of darkness underneath the doorway.  Frightened and alone she crawls under her bed.  The sound of his boots on the hardwood get closer, louder.  They sound so close the fear begins to sink in under her skin.  The door opens ever so slowly, without a sound.  She watches from under the bed as he walks around it.  She is silent.  Holding her breath with all of her strength, knowing that if he finds her it will be her last.  He doesn’t stay long, continuing his search down the hall in her brother’s room.

She listens.  Waiting until the sound of each step gets further away. Breathing out, she catches a scream before it makes it past her lips.  Crawling out from under that mattress she has a plan.
Her window is open a crack, so she crawls quietly over to the sill and pulls her shaken body up.  As she peers out through the glass, something catches her eye. Unsteadily she turns around gripping tightly to the window sill to find the man standing in her doorway.  He dashes across the room as she tries to climb out the window.  When all of a sudden the room goes black.

A feeling of cold washes over her, opening her eyes to nothing but darkness.  The air is thick and pungent.  The smell of death is in the vicinity but without a light to see, there is no telling what direction it is coming from.  She tries to move but her hands are bound.  Is this it?  Is this the end for her?  She begins to kick furiously, hoping someone will hear her.  What was that sound? Her heart starts pumping at the sound of footsteps.  The light comes on and her eyes close.  It is so bright that it stings.  She reopens them slowly letting them adjust to the light so she can see who is there.

A shadowy figure covers her like an umbrella blocking out the sun.  All she can see is the fire in his eyes, and she knows now that this is her hell.  He bends down over her, his face still enveloped by his shadow.  Reaching out he touches her face with rough gritty hands.  The smell of dirt and rusted metal on his fingertips.  Horrified, she turns her head away.  His gentle touch quickly turns into anger as he grabs her face with his ogre like hand and pulls her up within an inch of his.  She closed her eyes once more.  His fiery breath warming her neck, and the sickly sweet smell coming out of his mouth made her gag.

The smell of infection riddled her sinuses, throwing her off guard.  He drops her back to the floor.  As she hits she rolls onto her side.  Her view no longer blocked from the light, she can see everything in the room.  Bodies of young girls strewn across the floor, naked and bloodied.  A lifeless vision of what is to be her future as well.  The man laughs at her as if this is all a big joke.  She wasn’t amused, she was scared half to death.  By the looks of it she wasn’t far from it either.  He grabs her feet and drags her through the bodies. She screams as she bumps into each young tortured woman.  Never had she imagined things like this existed, such a naive girl.  He takes her into an empty room, well empty besides a lamp and a single hook hanging from the ceiling.  He forces her to undress, she’s resistant all the way through.  He hits her, knocking her to the ground.  Grabs her by her ankles and wraps a rope snugly around them.

Lifting her up, he places her ankles up onto the hook and left her hanging upside down.  At this point her tears have stopped flowing and her hopes are forgotten.  She knows the inevitability of the situation so she doesn’t fight it.  The man pulls out his knife and grazes her bare skin with it.  Teasing her  and taunting her.  She’s ready, she’s never been more ready for anything in her life.  Relief flows over her as he makes his first slice.  Slowly and precise he cuts under her left breast.  Using her blood like finger paints to draw hearts on her stomach.  He holds her hand while he makes his next cut, as if they were in it together.

They were in it together, in a sense.  This moment was theirs and no one elses.  A memorable one at that.  Her complexion fades but her heart still beats.  Not for much longer though, her time is almost here.  This is usually his favorite part, watching the life fade from their eyes, but hers doesn’t fade.  Her eyes are brighter and more lovely than ever.  She is ready for this.  Gripping onto his hand as if forever was seconds away, she whispers goodbye.  He kisses her cheek  and whispers it back.  He gracefully places the blade against her neck and slides it across.  The blood flows down her chin and over her lips and she had never been as beautiful as in this moment.

I’d Be

I’d only be lying to myself if I said that this doesn’t matter if I said I didn’t care
And I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you I wished you were here, not there

I’d be unfaithful to myself if I kept all these things I feel hidden
And I’d be a fool to think that you’d fall for me until I’d finally admit it.

Content

As much as one can blame the sun for burning up it’s atmosphere, one could blame the moon for keeping it cold and dreary. I am just thankful I have yet to burn to death or freeze into a glacier for you to slam your ships on. Either way I am finally content.

Sleep

I’ll just sleep it off
Is what I always say
But today is like every other
They all are the same
To look beyond
What shows before me
Is more than I can do
To look within
Is something more
For me to do for you
Love thyself before all others
Is something I can’t do
You come first
Always have
In the name of me and you

Discontent

I don’t feel any connection

There’s something not quite right

I feel as if something’s missing

Not sure that it’s worth a fight

I want to know you miss me

I need to know you care

I’d like to see this grow

But you’re never really there

We can be so very close

Yet I feel so far away

I feel as if I am just a moment

I’m not sure if I should stay

I’m quiet out of confusion

And discontent within my heart

I want to be right there with you

But we’re always worlds apart

You say not what you’re thinking

But what you think I want to hear

In turn making this even harder

For me to hold you near

I do not know your intentions

Or if it’s just me and only me

But if you can’t figure this all out

Then please just let me be

guide me

As I am walking down this tunnel

will you lend your light to guide me

For I am searching for something

Some quiet place for you to hide me

 

As this insanity ticks through me

like a siege of rushing water

I need your hands to hold me

As I fear that I might falter

 

These reminiscent memories

overflow until they drown me

But resurrected from the kill

the moment that you had found me

 

The lonely walk would have surely broke me

if you had not shared in my last fight

By my side you never strayed from me

as we walked blindly out of your safelight

Moonlight

And the stars…

They take refuge

In the light of this old moon

As its beams dance upon the river bed

The essence of the earth

In every shallow breath

Calming me to an early innocence

Coaxing anything rigged left

Traipsing in the sunset

With mere hours left to bask in this light

As I’m gazing at the stars

I get lost within the night

Here

I am here

and I am open

I fear

but I’m hoping

That this

will be worth it

Because damn

I deserve it

I have run

endless circles

Not for fun

I’ve jumped hurdles

But shit

I’ve lost battles

Been up creeks

with no paddles

Lost sight

of true visions

Caused fights

and collisions

But I know now

where my hate dies

And it’s with you

that my heart lies

You Said

Live in the moment, you said

As I lie here dying

Say what you must, you said

So with my last breath

I whispered your name

My first death

One of many

Metaphorically speaking

You only live once, you said

But I’ve seen too much already

You live what you learn, you said

I’ve learned heartbreak a plenty

The battlegrounds of life

My first loss

One of many

Seasoned vet in the art of love and war

You will always be here, you said

As you were walking away

You’ll never really be far, you said

In my heart you will stay

I’ll keep your memory

My first love

One of many

To love true, is to hold on forever