She’s Afraid

She’s lost

and afraid that the sun won’t come up tomorrow

the darkness was so quiet and calm

that she fell deeper into the void

and lost herself somewhere on the way down

She’s tired

and afraid that her legs are too weak to keep moving

blinding herself

trying to keep her eyes open

even though blackened walls are all that surround her

She’s lonely

and afraid that there aren’t enough words in the world to fix her

that the quiet she so desperately needed

will be all the company she can keep

In my head

Somewhere along the line I gave up
I gave in
I created a room
That I could lock my head and heart in
I built up these walls with unbreakable stone
Knowing that self preservation meant being alone
Sitting here lonely, this love gathering dust
Drifting away in my tears
Surely becoming covered in rust
Hoping one day that these walls come crashing down
Before these fears hold me under
And I slowly drown

Head Beats

Tonight, my head beats
Louder than my heart
Slowing, silently giving up
So many wasted moments
Too many tragically lost years
So tomorrow, I give up again
Giving in to all my fears
My broken hopes
And diminished dreams
I let go of faith
As it remains unseen
But for tonight,
My head beats
Louder than my heart

Map

I have looked
And I have tried to find
All that there is to see
But searching places
On a map not found
Are proving difficult for me
I can seek
But never find
Things that are not meant to be
So try as I might
Without hope on hand
To break this door without a key
Only breaking faith
Like the breaking waves
Of a vaste and dirty sea
Lost beneath the sand
In the sea unseen
Just a lonely remnant of what once was me

The New Year…

I have been doing a lot of thinking about this new year.  I am starting to see how different I have become from years before.  I have let go of people in my life in this past year that I was holding onto for my own insecure reasons, and I have been trying like hell to move on.  I am slowly but surely getting past them, but it is still hard.  I am finding that I do not really have any friends, and as pathetic as that seems, it is all my doing.  I am the type of person who would do anything for a friend, too much for someone really.  I rarely see the bad in people, and I always give them multiple chances, which really is only some type of proof to me that I have friends.  But who wants or needs those types of friends?  Not me anymore.  I think my biggest problem, in fact I know it is, is my anxiety issues, it doesn’t allow me to socialize like normal people, I have the hardest time making friends.  It literally makes me sick to have to talk to someone I do not know.  That makes for a really awkward time.  I made a major move to Florida from New York in 2011 and haven’t been able to make friends here due to this issue.  So those that I have managed to make in the past I tend to hold onto dearly, even though they aren’t really friends.  I have noticed my depression slowly getting better since breaking off communication with certain people, and even though it is extremely bittersweet and I want to reach out to them, I don’t.  I miss them, or at least the concept of them.  I miss the motivated, happy, cheerful me, but I guess that will come back in time.  Or at least I hope it does.  Because while I may not feel half as depressed as I did months ago, I am still lonely as hell in this little world I have created for myself.  I am going to try to work on my anxiety issues, and my phobia of people and make friends, actual friends this time.  That is my goal for this year.  I am going to be 29 on january 4th and I will have no one to celebrate with, and I am really getting sick of that.  So I guess I have a lot more thinking to do, and a lot of hard work ahead of me, but I think I can do it.  I appreciate you sitting through my whole crazy little rant, and if you have any experience with anxiety and can give me some pointers on getting rid of it I would be super appreciative.