I open the door of which I’ve hid behind, releasing me from this hell. I let myself out into the world to find peace. A peace that can’t be found inside my head, nor inside my heart. Such a peace that once it washes over me I feel clean. I feel as if it has sunk in, beyond skin deep, but deeper into the blackness of my soul. Filling the inner emptiness with Serenity. No longer empty, no longer angry, no longer in pain. To stand here looking into the vast world before me with new eyes. Never to look back at that which has held me in place for this long. Never looking back.
As I am walking down this tunnel
will you lend your light to guide me
For I am searching for something
Some quiet place for you to hide me
As this insanity ticks through me
like a siege of rushing water
I need your hands to hold me
As I fear that I might falter
These reminiscent memories
overflow until they drown me
But resurrected from the kill
the moment that you had found me
The lonely walk would have surely broke me
if you had not shared in my last fight
By my side you never strayed from me
as we walked blindly out of your safelight
And the stars…
They take refuge
In the light of this old moon
As its beams dance upon the river bed
The essence of the earth
In every shallow breath
Calming me to an early innocence
Coaxing anything rigged left
Traipsing in the sunset
With mere hours left to bask in this light
As I’m gazing at the stars
I get lost within the night
I haven’t done this in awhile and I feel this is the right song to start back up with. This song is by a Finnish band that are absolutely amazing. I love their music and I ‘m sad to say that I don’t actually own any of their albums, which I am going to have to remedy. They are very underestimated in the US music industry, and really should be way more popular than they are. Anyway the band is called The Rasmus, and I chose this song for my soundtrack because, well, as anyone who reads my poems can tell how melancholy they are. I have been in a shroud of darkness lately. I moved to Florida for family reasons, but I left most of my family and friends behind in NY and I still feel so lonely here. And there is that old love I left behind that still is in my thoughts and no matter how hard I try I still miss him. Even after a year apart. And this song feels like me, feels like us. Feels like how I have felt this whole time being away from people I love. Sacrifice is a hard thing to do, and doesn’t always make you happy. But I am here for my kids and I am making it work, but I still have that longing for that one in my past that haunts me still. I hope one day it passes but for now I deal. Anyways this song is called Keep Your Heart Broken by The Rasmus. Enjoy
And this shadow has me engulfed like a blanket over my head. The heat building up until my lungs are so dry that I can’t take another breath. Choking me. All while saving me from this moment. Releasing the inner darkness, keeping me blind to everything. At the same time it’s clearing my head. Like warm bath water washing over me. Washing away all memories, good and bad, dissolving thoughts that no longer have substance. Watching, waiting for the time to come when the air has cleared, and the flames have died down. Biding time until the shroud of blackness is lifted and the light once again guides me on my way.
They say everything happens for a reason, for that I am not so sure. I have tried to reason with it, to find truth in it, to have faith in it, but I fail to do so. I miss those days when ignorance was bliss, and it was a lot of the time. I miss the wondering, the hoping, the longing. I miss the gentle hand that wiped my tears away. Most of all I miss you. I have forced myself to believe that you are my poison, that one touch could be fatal. Not everything is as it seems. I pushed when I wanted to pull, and I let go when all I ever wanted was to hold you tighter. And try as I might your still with me, inside me. My heart won’t let go, fully let go at least. I am slowly learning to live with the pain, it is my cross to bear I suppose. I know you will never read this, and that is my safety net. I always let myself go when you’re around, too much so. I lose myself within you. When you left me, I never left you. I lived and died in that moment. Someday may we cross paths, smile and nod, maybe a simple hello will pass our lips, but that is all that was written in the stars for us. We will never have a constellation, we won’t have forever, for we had never. And never is never enough.
Look beyond my hazel eyes
and tell me what you see?
Do you see me?
I mean really see me.
See who I am inside and out.
See who I have become,
not what I have become.
If you see me in a different light,
than the one that I emit,
you may be on to something.
But if all you see is the dull yellow
that I’ve been slowly dimming for years
than you need to keep looking.
look beyond the darkness,
behind the shadow that surrounds me.
Look into the soul that is hiding,
longing for someone to find her.
To save her,
to see her.
Will you give it another shot?
Will you look deeper under the surface?
Will you check behind every door?
Search even in that scary cobweb ridden basement.
Hopefully you find her,
and when you do you will understand.
There is more than what is perceived
upon my surface,
and when you finally see that,
will you then and only then see me.
The dawn cannot break
if I remain in this dream.
I’ll hold the night hostage,
till you’re back with me.
In this reverie of sorts,
where you’re still by my side.
My heart on my sleeve,
no longer needing to hide.
Holding you close,
all the night, in this dream.
While you are the glue
keeping me tight at the seams.
I fear if I wake,
by my side you’ll be not.
So this dream I keep on,
because it is all that I’ve got.
This lie that I tell,
it is an absolute must.
For if I let these tears fall,
my heart may become dust.
If I ever wake
from this dark fantasy,
and look to my side
without you next to me…
I could not go on,
and my story would end.
My slumber keeps me safe,
awakened I can no longer pretend.
In this comatose state
I beg to remain.
When my eyes are still closed,
I will have you again.
Such an emotional wreck be I,
no subtle twinkling in my eye.
Hands so weakened as they shake,
everything I touch, I tend to break.
I’ll be lost for good before I am found,
screaming for help without a sound.
Battles fought yet rarely won,
two hearts once joined to beat as one.
A love so blurred, resembling hate,
your so called love was never fate.
All your words merely calming lies,
as a hope I had within me dies.
The day comes as swiftly, as it shall go,
true loves wish, I was never meant to know.
This heart is but a puzzle,
put together piece by piece.
A mind staking game of strategy
thought provoking to say the least.
But you play this game well
you know where every piece doth lie.
Built me up like a house of cards
fast forward reaching for the sky.
This game I know in and out
yet I lose it every time.
You dismantle the frame you built,
leaving only a memory of it behind.
I was just your pawn,
a simple piece upon your board.
Pre determined loser, be I,
a game manipulated from the start.