So many times before

And the demon came a calling
Like so many times before
He tried to pull me under
He tried to hold me down
But this time was different
This time I stood my ground
I stared into his eyes
Felt his fire burn hot upon my skin
But this time I was stronger
I refused to let him in
The demon came a calling
Like so many times before
But this time I saw him coming
And my soul I would not give
I won’t give up that easy
I will never let him win
I will fight until the end
When there’s no more life for me to live

Beliefs are weird

I don’t believe in fate, or destiny. I don’t think that good things come to those who wait. I don’t have faith in a higher power, nor do I believe that if only I pray hard enough that everything will be ok. I am cynical and a non believer in many things. I believe things that I have seen with my own eyes, touched with my own hands, heard through my own ears. I think that with time some wounds scab over but never fully heal. I believe in making mistakes and having regrets. I think that being first is scary as hell and would be perfectly content going second every single time. I don’t believe in do overs but I do believe in second chances, and sometimes thirds if I am feeling weak. I think relationships are overrated and are sometimes more trouble than they are worth. I do believe in love and love the feeling of love without all the complications that come along with it. I don’t believe that dogs are a mans best friend, not mine at least. I believe in making plans but not taking them too seriously. I think some of the best memories are made on a whim. I don’t believe that there is some predetermined path that we all walk down. I have walked on pavement, and gravel. I have walked through sand, mud puddles and tall fields. I have fought my way through forests and I still stand. I am not yet tired but when I am I will lie myself down. I don’t believe that when I’m gone I will go to Hell or Heaven. I believe that my mind will die, while my body remains tucked safely away beneath the ground.

Little Reminders

Every day I come across memories., little reminders of her. Everything lately reminds me.. Simple things like songs on the radio, and her ceramic angels that line my walls. Even her shirt that hangs in my closet, the one she wore on frannie’s first easter. I don’t have much left of my mother. I don’t have any pictures of her and I together. I don’t have very many actual memories of her. Most of them I’m not even sure are real memories, but I like to think that they are. I recall a lot of bad times growing up and very few good ones. My mom was hardly perfect, far from it actually, but I loved her regardless. Whether I followed in her footsteps or I paved my own path, I don’t know, but I am also far from perfect. But lately the sun has been peeking out from behind the clouds, and I like to think she’s watching over me. I am not religious and I do not believe in God, but I do find comfort in the sun. The other day the sun shone down on me and every thought, good and bad, had come back to me. She is still with me, I carry her close, as close as I can. I love her and I miss her. But I am thankful for these little reminders. I will never have to worry about forgetting her face, or her voice, or how much she means to me.

Hanging On

My mind is shaky
I’m hanging over a cliff
Trying my best to hold onto the crumbling wall
Just dangling in the breeze
Hoping that the gentlest of winds doesn’t blow me over the edge
But I am fragile
Even more cracked than these broken rocks I grip tight to
Digging my nails into the dirt
Scratching at my death
Wondering for what or whom am I still holding on for
Letting go slowly
I lift my fingers one by one
Loosening my grip on my shattered dreams
I crumble and come crashing down to the bottom of the pit
Forgetting for a second
Just my lonely moment
All that was ever meant to be

Not Even A Wish

I’m finding it hard to sleep tonight
Even as I lie here in my bed
Too many things on my mind
So many things I’ve left unsaid
I dwell on those that have hurt me
Little reminders of my past
Wondering when everything went wrong
And why nothing good ever lasts
My story of love was written
With the pain of loss in mind
As much as I try to forget him
I can’t leave our past behind
I recall those feelings
That never truly died in me
I only wish I could be saved
That he had been able to see
But his eyes close fine tonight
For him, a new love has been found
Not even a wish on a shooting star
Could erase these thoughts in which I’m bound

Remember Forever

That Christmas was one I will remember forever. Santa didn’t leave anything under my tree. We didn’t sing carols with our loved ones. I didn’t enjoy the wonderful Christmas feast before me, and there was no figgy pudding. I wasn’t alone, but I felt like I was. I felt an overwhelming darkness seeping into my skin. My own hell was warm enough to melt the freshly fallen snow. I tried to be festive. I put on my mask, the one with the plastic smile. I oozed fake joy and happiness, it filled the room. I was burning on the inside, but I stayed cool as ice. My thoughts held my tongue still. 

Not a single damning word left my lips until I felt safe. Until I was somewhere I knew I wouldn’t be judged. With the car pulled over so I could let my words flow free, on the side of the road. I could have been in a room with ten thousand people and I would have been alone. I cried out in pain as my tears broke free. I thanked him for being there, for holding me, for letting my irrationalities take hold of both of us momentarily. He knew me well. If he hadn’t been there, if he hadn’t understood me, I’d have been a broken mess.

Holidays never sat well with me. I never understood them, and they never understood me. I had contemplated many a time about my departure. That Christmas was no different. He knew. I was the type that felt like I had nothing to live for, that wanted to cut out early. He knew that that day was worse than every other. He held me, reassured me it was ok. It turned out I was going to be after all. So he held me and I slept. Soundly, safely.

Christmas was over and I was still there. I had made it through the darkness in my head. Safe and sound. My own Christmas miracle perhaps. My phone rang and I answered it. My world cracked. In the midst of my own depression I forgot about my mother. I thought she was ok, she seemed fine three days before. But I suppose I seemed fine to her as well. The disbelief of the news dropped me to the floor. Drowning in my own tears, I called out for her. She was gone. Those same demons poking fun of me the day before had been poking fun at my mother as well. I should have known. We were more alike than I knew. Similar in feelings, and thoughts. My demons had been beaten, but that day she lost her battle.

She lost and I lost, we all lost to her demons. I couldn’t save her, I couldn’t even save me. It hurt. It still hurts. Pieces of me died with her. They lie beside her, in her box made out of wood. I oft wonder if they have rotted away as she does. I try and hold on to her smile in my heart. Sometimes it’s hard. Other times I think she reminds me. There are many things I have forgotten in my few years that I wish I could have held onto longer. The good memories are scarce. But the memory of that Christmas is strong. It is bittersweet. I won and lost all at once. Part of me died that day, but the rest lives on. She lives on, metaphorically. Forever is such a long time, and I still have so many years left to go, but I will never forget. I will never forget those feelings, the demons, the fight. The win, the loss, the life I still have.

That Christmas was the one I will remember forever. I must never forget…

Dedicated to my mother whose demons proved to be too much for her. She lives in my heart, and I miss her.