After All

I used to look back

Because those were brighter days

But that was before I sat myself down inside the chaos

Before I let myself be absorbed into the darkness that surrounded me

My heart isn’t made up of brighter days

After all

It’s made up of hostility and hatred

Shattered hopes and dying dreams

It’s as dark as the day when the sun finally burns out

I’m burning out

Spinning in circles only fans the flames

I’m so full of fury

That it drips off my brow like sweat

Fueling the anger that runs hot beneath my skin

Filling these empty voids with memories like tinder

As I set fire to all the good I’ve kept within

My heart isn’t made for brighter days

After all

Not with all the darkness that it’s soaked in

No Avail

Trying to swallow my own madness

But this insanity creeps up slowly

Clawing first at my lungs so I can’t breathe

Making its way through the lump in my chest

Tearing open my throat as all of my anger spills out

Dripping pain and sorrow onto my hands as I try to hold myself together

To no avail

lights out

There is no light when the love’s gone

There are no better days or open doors

It’s like walking through fields of water overflowing

Each step you slip deeper

Every minute brings you closer to the edge

An abyss awaits to suck you in and bring you down

It’s there to remind you of everything you’ve loved and lost

To convince you that nothing matters because all of the shit that used to, left you behind

Waiting in the distance hoping to watch you cave in

Under the weight of it all

To drown in the very tears that held memories as they slid down your cheek

It’s dark when the light is off

And cold when the love runs out

Redbull gives me insomnia(wings not included)

It’s nights like tonight when I lie in bed, Red bull still pumping through my veins from supper time and my dog scratching my legs as he tries to make himself comfortable under my blanket, that I over think things. I think about yesterday. I think about last week. I think about that one guy I dated 10 years ago. I’ve been thinking about him a lot lately. Mostly in my dreams, sometimes not. I wonder how he’s doing and wonder if he ever wonders how I’m doing. Probably not. I’m not the type of person people wonder about. It’s ok, I’m used to it. It’s funny because the whole time I was drinking my energy drink I was thinking that I shouldn’t because I’ll be awake all night long. Maybe that was subconsciously the plan. A means of self torture for some random shitty thing I’ve done at some random shitty time in my life. Oh well, no rest for the wicked I suppose.

Stink of You

These thoughts linger like the stench of death It has embedded itself into my pores
Covering me with its filth
This grotesque madness engulfs me
Rotting me inside out
Flowing through my veins like sewage
Causing the infection to spread
Scavenging around inside my worn down heart
Picking through the best of me
The only salvageable parts that are left
Stuffing them into holes dug with my memories
Filling me to the brim with dirt and death
But I just can’t get the stink of you off of me
 

Memories of you fill my head like smoke
Snuffing out lost hopes and dreams
Swirling around me in a whirlpool of chaos
And when the tear drops start to fall, they drown me
Crashing into my heart like a tidal wave
Rolling me over and under
Over and under
Just a speck of sand in an ever growing abyss of sadness
And just when I think I’ve finally swum to safety
Memories of you drag me back under

image

Everything

You are the sound of my heart beat
And the taste that lingers on my tongue
You are the silence in a crowded room

You are the crack in my voice
And the breath on my bathroom mirror
You are the water that cleanses me

You are the condensation on my window
And the daisy in my front yard
You are the flight in birds

You are the smile on my face
And the hurt in my chest
You are the confusion in my head

You are everything