Stars Shining Brightly

Somewhere beyond the stars I know you’re there waiting for me.

Off in the distance…

Passed the sun and over the moon you wait patiently.

It is not my time…

Your nonjudgmental eyes as you watch my life unfold.

So lovingly…

When that time comes I will find my way back to you.


And that day we will light up the night sky together.

Stars shining brightly…

I still remember…

the time when I was little and I tried to wash my kitty in a big blue barrel, unfortunately, I was not big enough to get him back out of it.  😦

the time that April and I decided that we wanted kool-aid in the middle of the night, so we made every single packet in the house.  We made a terrible mess of the kitchen.  You were pissed when you came home from work.

the time that george and I were playing with matches and caught the wooded area next to our house on fire.  In all fairness, we tried to put it out.

all the bad times we have had, but I forgive you.

how you were the one to help me get my permit.

how I felt that you weren’t there when I got married, even though I knew it was my fault.  I really wanted you to be there.  :*(

how when I went into labor with Aydan and I couldn’t get ahold of you how scared I was.  I am so glad that you made it in time, and were there for me.  I really needed you.

how mad you were that the nurses weren’t helping me with the pain, but how happy you were when you got to hold Aydan for the first time.  And how annoyed you were when Adam caught you on video.

when you left us again shortly after Aydan was born, I worried everyday that I’d never see you again.  I missed you so much back then.

the day that you came home to me clean and sober.  I have never been more proud of anybody in my life.  You proved to me that you wanted to fix things.  You came home and had three beautiful grandchildren waiting for you.

how when we lived together, your ocd took complete control over the house.  Everything had to be perfect, and it was.  And how adam liked to moves things around just to see your reaction.  that the only thing you watched on tv was your bible channel.  But it made you happy, so I guess I’ll forgive you for that.  😛

when we got into the huge fight over Shayna and things were messy between us for awhile.  I am really sorry for that.  I overreacted.  And I am sorry.

when grandpa died I was more worried about how you were feeling.  He was your life, your everything.  It hurt me so much to see how badly you were hurting.  I wish there was something that I could have done for you.  But I can’t raise the dead.  Unfortunately.

the way that you took care of beanie so well.  She loved being with you more than she did with me.  I’m so glad that you were able to do that for her.  She truly loved you and misses you so much.  You wouldn’t believe how messed up I am right now, but she’s the one comforting me.  You’d be so proud of her.  She’s such a big girl.

how much you loved me, I never thought that you didn’t.  I always knew how much you missed us when you were away.

that I made sure to tell you that I loved you so much, and I wanted you to be happy again.  I guess it just wasn’t in the cards.  You did what you did, and I truly hope that things are better for you.  I like to believe that you are with grandpa and your life can start over.  I wish you were here with me…  I hate that you’re not here with me.  I hate that we can’t have our early morning talks, I hate that I can’t call when I feel sad, I hate that I have to feel the same thing that you had to feel when grandpa died.  I hate that in years beanie will only remember what I tell her about you.  I miss you so much.  I hope your in a good place where you don’t have to hurt or feel lonely anymore. I love you…  I will always remember you…  I hope you always remember me too…

And the storm will pass….

It is hard to feel alive when everything around you is dead or dying.

And some times it’s hard to find inspiration when the world seems to be caving in around you.

Maybe I am not looking hard enough, seeking far enough, seeing what is right before my eyes.

I will look harder this time, look beyond a dying moment.

Out of death, life emerges.

When I feel like the storm has me weathered, and the clouds come rolling through.

I’ll wait for the clouds to pass, and look up to the heavens.

And there is where I see you and your smile peeking through.

Dedicated to my mother, who despite her flaws, was a wonderful woman whom I wish I had had more time with. She will always be missed.

I Smile In Thought

As I sit and I ponder on past reveries,

Dreams I once had that never came true.

Places I wanted to go, and things I yearned to do.

Held in this place, like a boat anchored at sea.


An ocean of wonder I had, knock knocking at my door.

But chances had slipped through the grip in my hands,

Fell to the shore and washed away with the sand.

A venture in life I’ll never get to explore.


But not all missed chances are unfortunate,

Sometimes that’s when simple pleasures prevail.

Tiny grip of a new baby’s hand, and your hearts been derailed.

Your new adventure has begun, one without a template.


A precious little one for you to love and to help grow.

Teacher, mother, confidant, and friend.

Not needed through only tomorrow, but until the very end.

This death of a dream had been foreknown.


So as I sit and ponder on my past reverie,

I smile in thought that any adventure I could take.

Not a boat, or plane, nor new pathway I could make,

Could ever bring as much joy and happiness as the life of a new mommy.


Tear (in memory of my mother, whom I miss immensely)

A single lonely tear
A world full of hurt
A silent conversation
A dismal head bow
A lingering exit
A love never forgotten
A single lonely tear

Dear mom,
If you can hear what I’m thinking, or feel what I’m feeling, then you know how much I miss you. If you can’t, then let me tell you… I miss you with everything I have in me. Someday I hope that I will get to see you again. Until then, know that my love for you has not, nor will it ever die. Ps. I’d wake up with a smile on my face if you decided to invite yourself into my dreams tonight, I’d give anything to see your smile once more.
Love Always,

~heart & soul~