In this time of contemplation
my mind still has tricks to play
After everything is said and done
I am forced to live another day
The madness held before me
on this slowly breaking string
I have listened to so many lectures
yet I haven’t learned a thing
nothing is ever perfect
it never really was
a moment once here
is soon to be surely gone
a mighty storm swells in the distance
clouds come rolling through
fight your way through the raindrops
as much as you want to run and hide
because it is all you know to do
stay strong, stand tall
fight your way though it
I am sure you can make it
let true happiness find you
you deserve it and more
no more reasons to fake it
reach out your hands
into the passing cloud cover
don’t hesitate,
there may not be another
just reach out and take it
Sometimes I wonder what in the hell is going on with me. I lose myself so often, that I am surprised that I ever manage to find myself back where I belong. I find the world and most of its contents to be a disappointment. I get that I need to take everything with a grain of salt, but what happens when you’re being fed handfuls? I just want to run a way from it. I have my own little corner in which I duck down under the shadows, but sometimes I don’t want to hide away from everything. Sometimes I want to just be there in your face like a ray of sunshine, like a drop of rain, or a snowflake that seemingly lands on your cold red nose.
I want to be so much more than I am, or ever have been. I know there are many layers to myself that I have yet to peel. I fail to do so out of fear,and disgust. Fear that what I may uncover may be even worse than what I see now, and disgust for being so afraid to be myself. I like to think that someday all this shit I have been force fed, and been dragged through will have a reason. A pleasant outcome. But again, fear kicks in and slaps that thought in the face.
I am a very pessimistic person, due to many factors. I have many things in my life to be thankful for, and I am, but I know they will be there always. I don’t need to worry about certain people because I know they will be there forever and ever. I like to believe they will, and sometimes I even psych myself out of that thought, but it always returns. No worries. I just want a little bit more.
I am like a ninja, when I finally get on the right track, I beat myself up about it and fall right back to the same old shit I am used to. The norm feels good to me, feels comfortable. I haven’t met anybody who likes complacency as much as I do. I think that’s why I sabotage myself every time something good comes along. One of these days I will finally have everything I want in life. Although I know that with my luck it will most likely be the day right before I die. Let’s hope I have everything figured out completely wrong. I have always told myself and friends to always assume the worst, that way when something good happens, it is so much more exciting. Someday…
The dawn is surely breaking as the sun begins to rise.
What is to become of yesterday’s demise?
Today is newly founded, and as hard as one may fight,
It too will bow down at the presence of night.
Does the fate of tomorrow rest on today’s charities?
Through the dust and rubble there will be your clarity.
So take this opportunity to change the way you love,
Make this world, the present, a loving gift from up above.
Because yesterday is over, and today will end too soon,
Tomorrow may be my last day to spend my life with you.
Holding on to this for as long as I can fight,
But I too, will succumb to the everlasting night.
As I sit and I ponder on past reveries,
Dreams I once had that never came true.
Places I wanted to go, and things I yearned to do.
Held in this place, like a boat anchored at sea.
An ocean of wonder I had, knock knocking at my door.
But chances had slipped through the grip in my hands,
Fell to the shore and washed away with the sand.
A venture in life I’ll never get to explore.
But not all missed chances are unfortunate,
Sometimes that’s when simple pleasures prevail.
Tiny grip of a new baby’s hand, and your hearts been derailed.
Your new adventure has begun, one without a template.
A precious little one for you to love and to help grow.
Teacher, mother, confidant, and friend.
Not needed through only tomorrow, but until the very end.
This death of a dream had been foreknown.
So as I sit and ponder on my past reverie,
I smile in thought that any adventure I could take.
Not a boat, or plane, nor new pathway I could make,
Could ever bring as much joy and happiness as the life of a new mommy.
I was in the mood to kind of smash words together and see how they fit. I did the complete alphabet. Its very odd, yet I kind of like it. I hope you do too. Just have fun with it, its something new for me 🙂
~ABC’s~
Angels all around
Brilliant beaming bolts
Creating careless conundrums
Dancing demons demolished
Every effort enacted
Face feels flush
Greatness gets gold
Hands holding hearts
Ill intended isolation
Justify jamming jars
Kittens knitting knives
Love living life
Magnificent monday mornings
No negative nuances
Obvious ocular observations
Priceless photo prints
Quaint quarreling questions
Red raging rafters
Subtly scandalous suitors
Tentative textural thermals
Unbelievably undiscovered underdogs
Voluptuous volunteering vixens
Winters wonderful winners
Xerxes’ x-ray xylophone
Youthful yearning youngsters
Zipping zany zoologists
~heart & soul~
And I awaken…
Not from sleep
Nor from death
but from this subconscious decline
Better days peeking through my dirty window
A brand new door awaits for me to open and explore
An adventure just starting
A new day to right all my wrongs
To fix my mistakes
To patch the cracks
And I awaken
From within myself
Within my heart
Within my soul
With every last breath in my lungs
Once again I will be whole
~heart & soul~
