I reach for things I’m unsure I’m deserving of
And that’s when I stumble and fall
I long for a connection with someone
Possibly any one at all
I feel like I am drifting off into the distance
Losing touch with the things that anchor me to shore
Losing faith in those around me
Knowing I need something more

Reality

This sadness covers me like a thick fog

I can feel it sticking to my skin

Enshrined by my inner darkness set free

Whispering secrets in my own ear

As I’m the only one who’s listening

A tragedy written in blood

Bleeding through the fabric laid over my eyes

As my tears fall steadily

Washing away remnants of happy thoughts

It pulls me in deeper

Every time I try to push away

Back and forth my thoughts go

Like a game of tug of war with myself

I’ve let myself walk into the madness

Heavy in my heart

Light on my feet

Engulfed in my own chaos

Like a dark cloud wrapped around me

Injecting my fears onto people

Distancing myself from their warmth

Slipping back into this somber reality

Dead Inside

Scalding water washing over me

With bare breasts and flushed skin

Hoping for pain unbearable

Needing to feel something real

Trying so hard to wash away my sadness

But I just can’t scrub hard enough

Can’t clean myself deep enough

The rot has buried it’s roots inside me

Growing slowly, thriving on my anger

Corrupting every last bit of me

Leaving dread in corners long neglected

Like an infection that spreads without care

Not repulsed by hatred and burnt flesh

It hungers for more, so I push it deeper

I cry out louder, someone hear me

But my screams are silenced

By walls I built around my lungs

Strangled by my tortured hands

Fighting back against myself

In this losing battle of dark and light

I stand here quietly as death lingers on my tongue

Pain(t) me

Your words are your brush

And I am your canvas

You make sweeping motions

And cut me open

Pressing hard

Cutting deeper

My words bleed red

Stained paper

Freshly gouged flesh

In the shapes and sounds

Of your animosity

Beg of me your muse

Skin deep

Paper thin

Slices of ice cold hearts

Blended a dark purple

But I like the hurt

So paint me with your insanity

Dripped tastelessly in agony

And hang me out to dry

Sticks and stones

You use your words like sticks and stones

Attempting to beat me into submission

Screaming into my ears like bullhorns

Trying to force me to listen

But this anger in my body keeps on building

And my temperature continues to rise

This hatred has grown heavy in my heart

And this fire still burns in my eyes

I won’t let you try to break me

There’s nothing you can do or say

I’m not here on this Earth for your taking

And I refuse to be treated that way

So I’ll consume your abuse like a fuel

And let this shell fucking burn to the ground

When the smoke clears and ash settles

I’ll be the only one left standing,

While you’re nowhere to be found

Chaotic

I’ve learned how to live comfortably in the chaos.

I breathe it in like oxygen.

I let it wash over me like a summer rain

Soaking it up like sunshine

It’s built itself up around me

Four walls and a roof

And I reside here with just my thoughts to keep me company