Placing Blame

You can go through life denying you are the problem. Pointing fingers at everyone that sees life through clearer eyes than yours. You can keep putting blame on those that hurt you simply by speaking the truth. It is always easier to say something someone said or did was rude or hurtful, when in reality it was only the truth you never wanted to hear. You can bury yourself in self pity forever, but in the end the truth won’t change, and your denial will only become stronger. Just because you choose not to believe what is right in front of you does not mean it doesn’t exist. It is there, and it is real, and you are missing out on everything that doesn’t conform to your lie.

No inspiration

Lately I haven’t been angry, or happy, or sad. I have just been. I am here, existing in a dull little bubble right now. I find no inspirations, no words fit to put on a page. I have no idea when I will be back to writing anything worth reading, but hopefully its not forever. Thank you for sticking with me for this long. 🙂

I Am A Statistic

 

 

  • An estimated 60 percent of teen girls’ first pregnancies are preceded by experiences of molestation, rape, or attempted rape. In one study, between 30 and 44 percent of teen mothers were victims of rape or attempted rape. Up to 20 percent of girls become pregnant as the direct result of rape.  Source
  • In the United States, one of every ten births involves a teen mother.    Source
  • The children of addicts are 8 times more likely to develop an addiction.  Source
  • Losing a parent to suicide makes children more likely to die by suicide themselves and increases their risk of developing a range of major psychiatric disorders, according to a study led by Johns Hopkins Children’s Center that is believed to be the largest one to date on the subject.  Source
  • On average, a woman will leave an abusive relationship seven times before she leaves for good.  Source

 

I am a statistic.

I can be categorized.

These things have made me what I am.

Today…

I am broken,

Shattered even.

I am missing pieces of myself.

I have lost control a time or two,

Maybe more times than that.

I have pushed away anything

Everything

That looked promising

That was good for me.

Out of fear,

Out of love.

I have been consumed

By my demons.

I have given up

More times than I can count.

I have Lied,

Cried,

Tried to move further down the road.

Sabotaged myself

Over and over again.

Picked myself up

After falling.

Dried myself off

After drowning.

Took a new breath

After suffocating myself.

I am a statistic.

My chances of making it past my past were slim.

Memories of it still haunt me.

Taunt me.

Fuck with my head.

BUT…

I am resilient.

I am stronger than I thought I was.

I am still here,

When statistics said I could’ve been dead.

I still live.

I still try to love.

I am holding onto hope

And wishes that may never come true.

I will still wish

And hope

And dream.

If dreaming is all that I have.

I am still lost,

But I am searching.

And someday,

When I find the right path,

I will find my way.

I am a statistic,

That made it to see another day…

 

Mini rant

I’ve been trying to figure out where I belong in this massive space and I just don’t know. I try way too hard to keep everyone around me happy and content. The only person being neglected is myself. I’ve been suffering from headaches lately which I’m sure is stress related. I can’t keep up with this charade. If I’m not happy, how can I make anyone else happy? Its not genuine anymore, its become a job that I have to keep up with. I just don’t think I can anymore. I’ve given up things and people because of this and its just pulling me under. I feel like I’m drowning on air. Choking myself more with every single breath I take. When will enough finally be enough? I hope it doesn’t take forever.