I absolutely hate when the perfect combination of words pops up in your head in the most inconvenient of times. I was in the bathroom, starting to wash my face, and I thought of the prefect line for a poem. I thought to myself that I would remember it when I got out, but I didn’t. I know it was great, and it pisses me off that I lost it. I hope it comes back to me in thought tonight as I sleep and I am able to remember it in the morning. I really hate when a thought evades me like that. Like I am expected to stop the world around me in order to write something down. What nonsense is that? Oh well, here’s hoping it comes back to me…
I am so close to giving up, like it was never worth it to begin with. Like it was just a waste of time. As another moment passes and another question surfaces, I lower my head in thought. Thinking whether I should keep going, or just let it go. Trying hurts, but so does letting go. I guess I have to figure out which will hurt less. I hate the not knowing, the wondering, the chase, the end. I hate losing, and since I am a perpetual loser you’d think I’d have been out of the game a long long time ago. But no, because I am also a masochist. It’s a wonderful feeling, the rush, the pain, in a sick, sad, depressing kinda way. It draws me in. Sinks its teeth deep into my skin, and becomes one with my flesh. So, you see, I am in a bind. In a circular torture chamber, I keep spinning from one evil to the next. I try to hang on, I try to let go, and can successfully do neither. So I am stuck in limbo between the two. Running in place. Grasping for something else, something more. Holding out for the one who can see behind the mask, behind the obvious fakeness that I portray. The one, who without words, can tell that I am in need, and fulfill it. The one who is willing to walk into the blackness to seek me out. Grabbing me in the dark, fulfilling that need that I have, that only he can see. I am still waiting, holding on. Forever waiting… Find me…
I am simply tired. Tired of trying to understand what other people are thinking. Attempting to get inside someone else’s mind and figure out what issues they may or may not have with me. I feel like I am cornered in my mind, with no way out. I think, or over think every situation, good or bad. I over defend people who in the eyes of others don’t deserve it, but I give way too many second chances. I allow people to hurt me repeatedly in hopes that one day I will learn my lesson. I haven’t learned one yet. I am like a ticking time bomb and I let the smallest of things set me off. I always leave a nasty little mess behind, but I always manage to pick up those pieces that have fallen behind me. Granted after so many times, they never seem to fit back together quite right. But we all lose parts of ourselves along the way, bits and pieces here and there. Such is life and from what I hear it sucks, well I will agree with that. I hold onto all the negativity that surrounds me and I tend to soak it up like a sponge. And try as I might, it’s a hard thing to lose once it’s grabbed ahold. I just want to be able to put my past behind me, and get back on track with some kind of positive future to look forward to. I worry that by doing that I may lose some parts of me that I can never get back and I haven’t decided which is worse yet. To move on and drag that broken baggage along, or to leave it at the bag check and start over empty. It’s always a hard decision. It’s one I’ve been twiddling my thumbs over for awhile, in fear of making a wrong choice. I feel alone in this, I feel like I have been sentenced to solitary confinement and the only time I have contact with the outside world is to ease their mind about something or other. How is that fair to me? I am just ready to go to sleep, a big long drawn out sleep. One full of dreams that keep this rotten existence of reality at bay for awhile. One that allows me to smile at something more than someone else’s happiness. One that doesn’t allow lies and deceit to fly off the lips of those I care about. The kind of dream where the feelings I have for someone, whether friend or family, are actually reciprocated. I hope that one day I will no longer have to wish for such dreams to occur , that they are a normality in my life. That I too can smile at the simplicities of the world around me. But I am far from that still, maybe it’s a destination that I will never reach. With all the faith that I have lost in people, I still have an inkling of hope, I keep it tucked down deep so nobody can steal it from me, but it’s there and maybe someday I will be glad that I did keep such a silly thing.
I am sick of feeling completely useless
and this feeling like I don’t belong
I am tired of these misconceptions
of everything I seem to be doing wrong
I am so over caring for those people
who think they are too good for me
Keep treating me like an outsider
and when the time comes that is all I’ll ever be
Ones who are supposed to care forever
the ones who’s bonds started at birth
These are the ones who hurt you the most
when they constantly prove they surpass your worth
I do not need anymore of this shit
in my already over complicated life
I am walking away from all of this this time
never looking back on this constant strife
I will never be held up to your standards
and I may not be good at anything in your eyes
but I am way better than all of this shit
Someday I will be gone, maybe then you’ll realize
in the eyes of deceit
in the words of someone like you
was nothing of
the sort of nonsense
that someone like you does speak
is just a feeling
that one reserves
until it seeps into ones severed soul
is nothing more
than what you asked for
being everything you shall receive
I used to believe in a future
but now all my hope is gone.
I am so battered,
Left alone to suffer
within this hell I have created.
I’ve search for many reasons,
not knowing what I was searching for.
Proven wrong time and again.
Losing comfort in my own surface,
I scratch to get out.
Clawing at my own skin
until my inner is revealed.
In my silence I am outspoken,
yet you hear not what I say.
I feel lost, and misguided.
my heart was stolen,
and on my search to find it,
I fell out of space.
I run in place.
Falling flat on my face.
I hide from you,
from myself as well.
Burning endlessly in my own hell.
I am tired,
I want to sleep.
But sleep evades me,
as it always does.
Lost within myself.
Hiding in the shadows.
Running from the light.
I have lost faith in everything I once knew.
I have been lost within the night.
the time when I was little and I tried to wash my kitty in a big blue barrel, unfortunately, I was not big enough to get him back out of it. 😦
the time that April and I decided that we wanted kool-aid in the middle of the night, so we made every single packet in the house. We made a terrible mess of the kitchen. You were pissed when you came home from work.
the time that george and I were playing with matches and caught the wooded area next to our house on fire. In all fairness, we tried to put it out.
all the bad times we have had, but I forgive you.
how you were the one to help me get my permit.
how I felt that you weren’t there when I got married, even though I knew it was my fault. I really wanted you to be there. :*(
how when I went into labor with Aydan and I couldn’t get ahold of you how scared I was. I am so glad that you made it in time, and were there for me. I really needed you.
how mad you were that the nurses weren’t helping me with the pain, but how happy you were when you got to hold Aydan for the first time. And how annoyed you were when Adam caught you on video.
when you left us again shortly after Aydan was born, I worried everyday that I’d never see you again. I missed you so much back then.
the day that you came home to me clean and sober. I have never been more proud of anybody in my life. You proved to me that you wanted to fix things. You came home and had three beautiful grandchildren waiting for you.
how when we lived together, your ocd took complete control over the house. Everything had to be perfect, and it was. And how adam liked to moves things around just to see your reaction. that the only thing you watched on tv was your bible channel. But it made you happy, so I guess I’ll forgive you for that. 😛
when we got into the huge fight over Shayna and things were messy between us for awhile. I am really sorry for that. I overreacted. And I am sorry.
when grandpa died I was more worried about how you were feeling. He was your life, your everything. It hurt me so much to see how badly you were hurting. I wish there was something that I could have done for you. But I can’t raise the dead. Unfortunately.
the way that you took care of beanie so well. She loved being with you more than she did with me. I’m so glad that you were able to do that for her. She truly loved you and misses you so much. You wouldn’t believe how messed up I am right now, but she’s the one comforting me. You’d be so proud of her. She’s such a big girl.
how much you loved me, I never thought that you didn’t. I always knew how much you missed us when you were away.
that I made sure to tell you that I loved you so much, and I wanted you to be happy again. I guess it just wasn’t in the cards. You did what you did, and I truly hope that things are better for you. I like to believe that you are with grandpa and your life can start over. I wish you were here with me… I hate that you’re not here with me. I hate that we can’t have our early morning talks, I hate that I can’t call when I feel sad, I hate that I have to feel the same thing that you had to feel when grandpa died. I hate that in years beanie will only remember what I tell her about you. I miss you so much. I hope your in a good place where you don’t have to hurt or feel lonely anymore. I love you… I will always remember you… I hope you always remember me too…