Consumption

There’s this ache
Deep beneath my flesh
That whispers sweet memories into my head
And pain into my heart

And this thought that consumes me
An everlasting reminder of sorrow
Devouring me from within

There’s this poison
That flows freely in my veins
Spreading it’s hatred and disease
Into every bit of my lungs

And this voice that calls out
A weathered cry for acceptance
Trying to find forgiveness in itself

With the bathwater 

I’m built up on lies and pain and hurt. Sometimes I just want to cry out, but there’s never anyone there to hear me. This life I live is not my own. It owns me and I owe it everything. These are the thoughts I’m chained to, these are the truths that sustain me.

Standing there, hot water beating hard against my chest. Everything is quiet, I’ve tuned everything else out. Im trapped inside myself, trapped inside my head. Wondering how hot it’d have to be for me to just melt and be washed away with the suds. Wondering if anyone would even notice I was gone.

I’m not so sure it matters anymore.

Overflowing

I let my disappointment build up until it overflows onto everything I hold dear
It stifles my heart to the point that my words no longer mean anything
I’m quiet and timid and offputting
I am a great distance from not only those that I care about but also myself
I can’t remember the last time I smiled a real smile
I’m worried that no future is going to be any better than my past or my present
My light is dimming and I’m losing myself in this dark hole that I crawled into
I’m lost and this ever growing anger is pushing me farther into the abyss

Again…

I am losing grip again
starting to slip again
I trip over my words
over and under
under and over
my thoughts flow 
like water through a sieve
drip
   drip
      drip
I am but a blip 
in the radar
just a ship amongst the sea
and I am losing grip again
starting to slip again
beginning to tear again
to rip apart my seams
nothing
is 
 as 
  it
seems
my lips say nothing
until I am stripped of everything

In my veins

I hate that the one I truly love 

cannot be around

I hate that this touch is toxic

and to that poison I am bound

I hate that this love has gone sour

like milk left out of the fridge

I hate how your love compels me

to leap blinded over a bridge

I hate how all this time has disappeared

and yet this love still shows

I hate how this love still exists

but mostly that every day it still grows

Paper Thin

My walls are paper thin 

even though I am made of glass

All these things I hold within

can still knock me on my ass

 

There are no words to help me cope

with all the horrors I have seen

Even if I’m filled with hope

this slate will not wipe clean

 

Some memories stand still

even as the days roll by

Some continue to make me ill

No need to ask me why

 

These thoughts that fill my mind

will remain until I let them go

No longer pretending to be blind

So here, I let my feelings show

The New Year…

I have been doing a lot of thinking about this new year.  I am starting to see how different I have become from years before.  I have let go of people in my life in this past year that I was holding onto for my own insecure reasons, and I have been trying like hell to move on.  I am slowly but surely getting past them, but it is still hard.  I am finding that I do not really have any friends, and as pathetic as that seems, it is all my doing.  I am the type of person who would do anything for a friend, too much for someone really.  I rarely see the bad in people, and I always give them multiple chances, which really is only some type of proof to me that I have friends.  But who wants or needs those types of friends?  Not me anymore.  I think my biggest problem, in fact I know it is, is my anxiety issues, it doesn’t allow me to socialize like normal people, I have the hardest time making friends.  It literally makes me sick to have to talk to someone I do not know.  That makes for a really awkward time.  I made a major move to Florida from New York in 2011 and haven’t been able to make friends here due to this issue.  So those that I have managed to make in the past I tend to hold onto dearly, even though they aren’t really friends.  I have noticed my depression slowly getting better since breaking off communication with certain people, and even though it is extremely bittersweet and I want to reach out to them, I don’t.  I miss them, or at least the concept of them.  I miss the motivated, happy, cheerful me, but I guess that will come back in time.  Or at least I hope it does.  Because while I may not feel half as depressed as I did months ago, I am still lonely as hell in this little world I have created for myself.  I am going to try to work on my anxiety issues, and my phobia of people and make friends, actual friends this time.  That is my goal for this year.  I am going to be 29 on january 4th and I will have no one to celebrate with, and I am really getting sick of that.  So I guess I have a lot more thinking to do, and a lot of hard work ahead of me, but I think I can do it.  I appreciate you sitting through my whole crazy little rant, and if you have any experience with anxiety and can give me some pointers on getting rid of it I would be super appreciative.