Shhh…

I am my biggest secret

you will never know who I am

You will never hold all the answers

within the palm of your broken hand

 

broken smiles on fake ass faces

like the one I used to show

the face of all those people

that I thought I used to know

 

truths you could never fathom

lies you’ve always feared were true

stories I sold as memories

ones I never really knew

 

Hiding inside the shadows

trusting the light to never show

but in the darkness

my lies will only grow

 

Go ahead and try

figure me out, you will not

because everything I am 

is everything that I’ve got

 

And…

 

I am my biggest secret

You can never know who I am

none of my broken answers

will fit perfectly in your hands

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No More

You pick, pick, pick until all the meat is off the bones. Until I have been wore so thin that I am practically invisible. You see right through me, as if I were only a ghost. Maybe I am, maybe I am merely a shadow of someone I used to be. Something I was never meant to be. So you whittle away at my existence, slowly. I close my eyes when I feel the end come near. Not a sight to see, nor a sound to hear. Only a hand to hold, as I am gently pulled into the dark. Some ones shadow will I be no more.

Love In Death

She lies there and listens to the foot steps getting closer.  There’s a sudden flash of darkness underneath the doorway.  Frightened and alone she crawls under her bed.  The sound of his boots on the hardwood get closer, louder.  They sound so close the fear begins to sink in under her skin.  The door opens ever so slowly, without a sound.  She watches from under the bed as he walks around it.  She is silent.  Holding her breath with all of her strength, knowing that if he finds her it will be her last.  He doesn’t stay long, continuing his search down the hall in her brother’s room.

She listens.  Waiting until the sound of each step gets further away. Breathing out, she catches a scream before it makes it past her lips.  Crawling out from under that mattress she has a plan.
Her window is open a crack, so she crawls quietly over to the sill and pulls her shaken body up.  As she peers out through the glass, something catches her eye. Unsteadily she turns around gripping tightly to the window sill to find the man standing in her doorway.  He dashes across the room as she tries to climb out the window.  When all of a sudden the room goes black.

A feeling of cold washes over her, opening her eyes to nothing but darkness.  The air is thick and pungent.  The smell of death is in the vicinity but without a light to see, there is no telling what direction it is coming from.  She tries to move but her hands are bound.  Is this it?  Is this the end for her?  She begins to kick furiously, hoping someone will hear her.  What was that sound? Her heart starts pumping at the sound of footsteps.  The light comes on and her eyes close.  It is so bright that it stings.  She reopens them slowly letting them adjust to the light so she can see who is there.

A shadowy figure covers her like an umbrella blocking out the sun.  All she can see is the fire in his eyes, and she knows now that this is her hell.  He bends down over her, his face still enveloped by his shadow.  Reaching out he touches her face with rough gritty hands.  The smell of dirt and rusted metal on his fingertips.  Horrified, she turns her head away.  His gentle touch quickly turns into anger as he grabs her face with his ogre like hand and pulls her up within an inch of his.  She closed her eyes once more.  His fiery breath warming her neck, and the sickly sweet smell coming out of his mouth made her gag.

The smell of infection riddled her sinuses, throwing her off guard.  He drops her back to the floor.  As she hits she rolls onto her side.  Her view no longer blocked from the light, she can see everything in the room.  Bodies of young girls strewn across the floor, naked and bloodied.  A lifeless vision of what is to be her future as well.  The man laughs at her as if this is all a big joke.  She wasn’t amused, she was scared half to death.  By the looks of it she wasn’t far from it either.  He grabs her feet and drags her through the bodies. She screams as she bumps into each young tortured woman.  Never had she imagined things like this existed, such a naive girl.  He takes her into an empty room, well empty besides a lamp and a single hook hanging from the ceiling.  He forces her to undress, she’s resistant all the way through.  He hits her, knocking her to the ground.  Grabs her by her ankles and wraps a rope snugly around them.

Lifting her up, he places her ankles up onto the hook and left her hanging upside down.  At this point her tears have stopped flowing and her hopes are forgotten.  She knows the inevitability of the situation so she doesn’t fight it.  The man pulls out his knife and grazes her bare skin with it.  Teasing her  and taunting her.  She’s ready, she’s never been more ready for anything in her life.  Relief flows over her as he makes his first slice.  Slowly and precise he cuts under her left breast.  Using her blood like finger paints to draw hearts on her stomach.  He holds her hand while he makes his next cut, as if they were in it together.

They were in it together, in a sense.  This moment was theirs and no one elses.  A memorable one at that.  Her complexion fades but her heart still beats.  Not for much longer though, her time is almost here.  This is usually his favorite part, watching the life fade from their eyes, but hers doesn’t fade.  Her eyes are brighter and more lovely than ever.  She is ready for this.  Gripping onto his hand as if forever was seconds away, she whispers goodbye.  He kisses her cheek  and whispers it back.  He gracefully places the blade against her neck and slides it across.  The blood flows down her chin and over her lips and she had never been as beautiful as in this moment.

Solitary Hell

Many times I’ve been told that I am nothing

so what is just once more

I will never strive to become something

just your ordinary whore

Powerless to your insults

I am just shit beneath your crown

Every time I try to stand tall

you are there to knock me back down

I slink back into my dirty corner

afraid that I may somehow disobey

Hiding here inside these shadows

hoping just to see another day

The light that used to shine within me

has slowly sunk into the dark

Leaving only remnants of a happy memory

before you had left your damning mark

You know you’ve got all the power

and you control me oh so well

Locked inside this imaginary cage

to live in my own solitary hell

Creatures

A little white light

did once shine brightly

amongst the edge of the forest

just beneath the clouds

no longer guiding

glowing dim down to nil

drowned out the sights of the moon

yet emphasized the sounds of the earth

the dampness in the dark

smothered the light

bringing life

to all the creatures in the night

water flowing gently 

over dirt and stone

afraid to wander 

through the shadows 

not knowing what is lurking 

behind every turn

if I were to walk all alone

Different Pathways

Into the darkness

I walk

with my head held high

I wanted this

Asked for it

begged for it even

I need not your hand

to guide my way

or hold me back

Just let go

of everything

I am tired

oh so tired

Let me sleep

close my eyes

eternal rest

Losing desire to wake

every morning

to the same ol’

same ol’

Same shit different day

begins to bore me

Out of this light

I chose a different pathway

one without stones on which to step

surrounded by cold

haunting my every move

gracefully I walk into the blackness

the unknown

but not for long

I want to know

I need to know

everything contained inside the dark

inside the shadows of my mind

Just A Simple Soundtrack

I haven’t done this in awhile and I feel this is the right song to start back up with.  This song is by a Finnish band that are absolutely amazing.  I love their music and I ‘m sad to say that I don’t actually own any of their albums, which I am going to have to remedy.  They are very underestimated in the US music industry, and really should be way more popular than they are.  Anyway the band is called The Rasmus, and I chose this song for my soundtrack because, well, as anyone who reads my poems can tell how melancholy they are.  I have been in a shroud of darkness lately.  I moved to Florida for family reasons, but I left most of my family and friends behind in NY and I still feel so lonely here.  And there is that old love I left behind that still is in my thoughts and no matter how hard I try I still miss him.  Even after a year apart.  And this song feels like me, feels like us.  Feels like how I have felt this whole time being away from people I love.  Sacrifice is a hard thing to do, and doesn’t always make you happy.  But I am here for my kids and I am making it work, but I still have that longing for that one in my past that haunts me still.  I hope one day it passes but for now I deal.  Anyways this song is called Keep Your Heart Broken by The Rasmus.  Enjoy