Her skin is cold like winter
Soft and icy to the touch
Her head is just like autumn
Ever changing as it falls
Her eyes are like spring showers
As her tears pour down like rain
But her heart is like the summer sun
Burning those who get too close

In my head

Somewhere along the line I gave up
I gave in
I created a room
That I could lock my head and heart in
I built up these walls with unbreakable stone
Knowing that self preservation meant being alone
Sitting here lonely, this love gathering dust
Drifting away in my tears
Surely becoming covered in rust
Hoping one day that these walls come crashing down
Before these fears hold me under
And I slowly drown

I Am A Statistic



  • An estimated 60 percent of teen girls’ first pregnancies are preceded by experiences of molestation, rape, or attempted rape. In one study, between 30 and 44 percent of teen mothers were victims of rape or attempted rape. Up to 20 percent of girls become pregnant as the direct result of rape.  Source
  • In the United States, one of every ten births involves a teen mother.    Source
  • The children of addicts are 8 times more likely to develop an addiction.  Source
  • Losing a parent to suicide makes children more likely to die by suicide themselves and increases their risk of developing a range of major psychiatric disorders, according to a study led by Johns Hopkins Children’s Center that is believed to be the largest one to date on the subject.  Source
  • On average, a woman will leave an abusive relationship seven times before she leaves for good.  Source


I am a statistic.

I can be categorized.

These things have made me what I am.


I am broken,

Shattered even.

I am missing pieces of myself.

I have lost control a time or two,

Maybe more times than that.

I have pushed away anything


That looked promising

That was good for me.

Out of fear,

Out of love.

I have been consumed

By my demons.

I have given up

More times than I can count.

I have Lied,


Tried to move further down the road.

Sabotaged myself

Over and over again.

Picked myself up

After falling.

Dried myself off

After drowning.

Took a new breath

After suffocating myself.

I am a statistic.

My chances of making it past my past were slim.

Memories of it still haunt me.

Taunt me.

Fuck with my head.


I am resilient.

I am stronger than I thought I was.

I am still here,

When statistics said I could’ve been dead.

I still live.

I still try to love.

I am holding onto hope

And wishes that may never come true.

I will still wish

And hope

And dream.

If dreaming is all that I have.

I am still lost,

But I am searching.

And someday,

When I find the right path,

I will find my way.

I am a statistic,

That made it to see another day…


I’m Falling

And I’m falling in this instance

as these tears come pouring down

to wash away my worries

to dissipate my frown

but not even wishful thinking

can save me from myself

every corner of my mind

just keeps on torturing itself

Someday You’ll Realize

I am sick of feeling completely useless

and this feeling like I don’t belong

I am tired of these misconceptions

of everything I seem to be doing wrong

I am so over caring for those people

who think they are too good for me

Keep treating me like an outsider

and when the time comes that is all I’ll ever be

Ones who are supposed to care forever

the ones who’s bonds started at birth

These are the ones who hurt you the most

when they constantly prove they surpass your worth

I do not need anymore of this shit

in my already over complicated life

I am walking away from all of this this time

never looking back on this constant strife

I will never be held up to your standards

and I may not be good at anything in your eyes

but I am way better than all of this shit

Someday I will be gone, maybe then you’ll realize

I Could Write A Book

Those words you said to me

you never meant them from the start

And with those little words

you stole my loving heart

In tiny bits and pieces

now it lies still here broken

All this damage done

from simple words you’d spoken

And I could write a book

with all the lines you’ve given me

With just that one single look

I lost everything to you

I guess in the end losers never win

and I’ll keep losing over and over again

Pretty Little Lies

You seem so comfortable in your life

surrounded by all those pretty little lies

But I know all the truths that you don’t tell

I can see through those pretty little eyes


Contentions are laid to rest

from the lies that you have told

But they seep right through my hands

because your lies I will not hold


Even when it’s what you want from me

with your fallacies I will not contend

Your lies have grown to hurt me

so no longer will I be here to defend


As small as I may matter to you

you mean a hell of a lot to me

Everything I thought you were

is everything that I wanted to be


But as your lies overwhelm me

to you they are simple truths

What you put off as absolute

is full of all these sugary untruths


Someday I will be strong enough

walk away from it for once and for all

I will fight throughout the bullshit

and will continue to stand up tall.


Single lonely tear drop falls onto the floor

Remembering her past, she yearns for something more

Something deep inside her, starting to reappear

No longer holding onto those things that she did fear

Opens up her windows as she closes her broken door

Piecing together her heart that her inner battlefield had tore

Google Search ImageStitches required mending, her cracks needed bits of glue

In the end knowing she could finally be herself again

Would be what got her through


My last and only breath

will have to do me justice

I love you just isn’t enough

but I’m afraid I have to rush this

The time that I have left

more precious than one could know

not nearly enough chances

for my love to truly show

I hope you understand this

for I am still not sure

but they say any time now

that there isn’t any cure

Just know that after everything

my heart beats just for you

someday when we meet again

we can start this love anew

Google image search

I still remember…

the time when I was little and I tried to wash my kitty in a big blue barrel, unfortunately, I was not big enough to get him back out of it.  😦

the time that April and I decided that we wanted kool-aid in the middle of the night, so we made every single packet in the house.  We made a terrible mess of the kitchen.  You were pissed when you came home from work.

the time that george and I were playing with matches and caught the wooded area next to our house on fire.  In all fairness, we tried to put it out.

all the bad times we have had, but I forgive you.

how you were the one to help me get my permit.

how I felt that you weren’t there when I got married, even though I knew it was my fault.  I really wanted you to be there.  :*(

how when I went into labor with Aydan and I couldn’t get ahold of you how scared I was.  I am so glad that you made it in time, and were there for me.  I really needed you.

how mad you were that the nurses weren’t helping me with the pain, but how happy you were when you got to hold Aydan for the first time.  And how annoyed you were when Adam caught you on video.

when you left us again shortly after Aydan was born, I worried everyday that I’d never see you again.  I missed you so much back then.

the day that you came home to me clean and sober.  I have never been more proud of anybody in my life.  You proved to me that you wanted to fix things.  You came home and had three beautiful grandchildren waiting for you.

how when we lived together, your ocd took complete control over the house.  Everything had to be perfect, and it was.  And how adam liked to moves things around just to see your reaction.  that the only thing you watched on tv was your bible channel.  But it made you happy, so I guess I’ll forgive you for that.  😛

when we got into the huge fight over Shayna and things were messy between us for awhile.  I am really sorry for that.  I overreacted.  And I am sorry.

when grandpa died I was more worried about how you were feeling.  He was your life, your everything.  It hurt me so much to see how badly you were hurting.  I wish there was something that I could have done for you.  But I can’t raise the dead.  Unfortunately.

the way that you took care of beanie so well.  She loved being with you more than she did with me.  I’m so glad that you were able to do that for her.  She truly loved you and misses you so much.  You wouldn’t believe how messed up I am right now, but she’s the one comforting me.  You’d be so proud of her.  She’s such a big girl.

how much you loved me, I never thought that you didn’t.  I always knew how much you missed us when you were away.

that I made sure to tell you that I loved you so much, and I wanted you to be happy again.  I guess it just wasn’t in the cards.  You did what you did, and I truly hope that things are better for you.  I like to believe that you are with grandpa and your life can start over.  I wish you were here with me…  I hate that you’re not here with me.  I hate that we can’t have our early morning talks, I hate that I can’t call when I feel sad, I hate that I have to feel the same thing that you had to feel when grandpa died.  I hate that in years beanie will only remember what I tell her about you.  I miss you so much.  I hope your in a good place where you don’t have to hurt or feel lonely anymore. I love you…  I will always remember you…  I hope you always remember me too…