In need of the brightest lantern

I am lost so deep in the dark that no amount of light could bring me home. No amount of faith could bring me peace. No amount of love could overcome this hate that builds inside of me. So lost that this path takes me in circles. It’s like playing a horror movie on an unending repeat. Torturing me over and over and over. I’m dying on the inside, despite the smile that graces my face. I am almost content hiding inside this never-ending darkness. I feel whole inside this unhappy place.

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Shhh…

I am my biggest secret

you will never know who I am

You will never hold all the answers

within the palm of your broken hand

 

broken smiles on fake ass faces

like the one I used to show

the face of all those people

that I thought I used to know

 

truths you could never fathom

lies you’ve always feared were true

stories I sold as memories

ones I never really knew

 

Hiding inside the shadows

trusting the light to never show

but in the darkness

my lies will only grow

 

Go ahead and try

figure me out, you will not

because everything I am 

is everything that I’ve got

 

And…

 

I am my biggest secret

You can never know who I am

none of my broken answers

will fit perfectly in your hands

Ranting again oh my…

I am simply tired.  Tired of trying to understand what other people are thinking.  Attempting to get inside someone else’s mind and figure out what issues they may or may not have with me.  I feel like I am cornered in my mind, with no way out.  I think, or over think every situation, good or bad.  I over defend people who in the eyes of others don’t deserve it, but I give way too many second chances.  I allow people to hurt me repeatedly in hopes that one day I will learn my lesson.  I haven’t learned one yet.  I am like a ticking time bomb and I let the smallest of things set me off.  I always leave a nasty little mess behind, but I always manage to pick up those pieces that have fallen behind me.  Granted after so many times, they never seem to fit back together quite right.  But we all lose parts of ourselves along the way, bits and pieces here and there.  Such is life and from what I hear it sucks, well I will agree with that.  I hold onto all the negativity that surrounds me and I tend to soak it up like a sponge.  And try as I might, it’s a hard thing to lose once it’s grabbed ahold.  I just want to be able to put my past behind me, and get back on track with some kind of positive future to look forward to.  I worry that by doing that I may lose some parts of me that I can never get back and I haven’t decided which is worse yet.  To move on and drag that broken baggage along, or to leave it at the bag check and start over empty.  It’s always a hard decision.  It’s one I’ve been twiddling my thumbs over for awhile, in fear of making a wrong choice.  I feel alone in this, I feel like I have been sentenced to solitary confinement and the only time I have contact with the outside world is to ease their mind about something or other.  How is that fair to me?  I am just ready to go to sleep, a big long drawn out sleep.  One full of dreams that keep this rotten existence of reality at bay for awhile.  One that allows me to smile at something more than someone else’s happiness.  One that doesn’t allow lies and deceit to fly off the lips of those I care about.  The kind of dream where the feelings I have for someone, whether friend or family, are actually reciprocated.  I hope that one day I will no longer have to wish for such dreams to occur , that they are a normality in my life.  That I too can smile at the simplicities of the world around me.  But I am far from that still, maybe it’s a destination that I will never reach.  With all the faith that I have lost in people, I still have an inkling of hope, I keep it tucked down deep so nobody can steal it from me, but it’s there and maybe someday I will be glad that I did keep such a silly thing.