Unscathed

I walk out of the rubble

The falling dust still stinging my eyes

Ashes mark my face like war paint

My arms comfortably numb

From fighting my way through the wreckage

 

I walk away from the past

From yesterdays anger and sorrow

Bridges I lit up behind me

I watched burn to the ground

So I won’t recross them tomorrow

Old worlds left beneath me crumbling

Memories still aflame

Left to drown in the smoke

 

But…

I walked out of the rubble

Unscathed

Beliefs are weird

I don’t believe in fate, or destiny. I don’t think that good things come to those who wait. I don’t have faith in a higher power, nor do I believe that if only I pray hard enough that everything will be ok. I am cynical and a non believer in many things. I believe things that I have seen with my own eyes, touched with my own hands, heard through my own ears. I think that with time some wounds scab over but never fully heal. I believe in making mistakes and having regrets. I think that being first is scary as hell and would be perfectly content going second every single time. I don’t believe in do overs but I do believe in second chances, and sometimes thirds if I am feeling weak. I think relationships are overrated and are sometimes more trouble than they are worth. I do believe in love and love the feeling of love without all the complications that come along with it. I don’t believe that dogs are a mans best friend, not mine at least. I believe in making plans but not taking them too seriously. I think some of the best memories are made on a whim. I don’t believe that there is some predetermined path that we all walk down. I have walked on pavement, and gravel. I have walked through sand, mud puddles and tall fields. I have fought my way through forests and I still stand. I am not yet tired but when I am I will lie myself down. I don’t believe that when I’m gone I will go to Hell or Heaven. I believe that my mind will die, while my body remains tucked safely away beneath the ground.

Unforgiving Year

Cold whispers flow
Over my lips
Into an unforgetting ear
Life turns its cheek
To an internal battle
Of a dying heart
Love cracks like glass
Covering the ground
Of an unwalked mile
Eyes lose sight
Blinded by thoughts
Of yesterdays tomorrow
Time stands still
As the cold winds blow
Past an unforgiving year

A Duet

A duet between myself and AShadeOfPen Check out her page because she is a wonderful writer. :)_

 

As the leaves make the rustling sound

I am drawn back to the times

When my heart sang the symphony

That made music come alive

And that symphony made me dance,

as unlikely as it may have been

But as I danced,

I held your hand though it all

Once again the world looks pink,

Once again the colors are born

Your imaginary hands hold me through,

As I trip, they steady me too

As steady as we are, we fall.

We fall through doubt and nay sayers.

We fall past worlds we never knew.

And yet the fall gives us hope

Of better times and the light that awaits

After the sun sets in the sky

A beautiful morning will arise

And in that morning we can arise anew.

Like a blossom into a full grown flower,

we can grow.

As the world wakes up again

The rustling sound starts to fade

Yet it has done what it should

No longer dead, I feel fresh and new

The sun shines on my face,

bringing me back to life,

warming my heart.

Beating faster than ever before,

I feel love has its place,

and a new place to start.

Nothing ends, nothing truly dies

All you need to do is feel alive

Singing the song of happy times

I once again love to live my life

As alive as I feel,

sometimes it doesn’t feel real,

without someone I love by my side.

But as long as I know,

someone like you

I feel I can grow

and no longer my heart must I hide.

With this I set my heart free

Up above the sky I fly

With wings so big and the sky so wide

Nothing can stop me tonight

The night is so bright,

no longer must I fight,

for life has brought me to my knees.

The sky is so freeing,

it has me believing that nothing in life is worth fleeing.

So tonight I stand up and fight.

 

the death of a bubbly personality

I think part of my being able to get a handle on my social anxiety is to come out and tell you more about me how I was as a child, when I started to become less social, and when I finally snapped and stopped almost all together.

I was a typical happy kid. I had a shitty childhood due to my parents issues but that didn’t change me inside much. When I was young I had lots of friends, I loved getting out of the house and playing with people. I attended girl scouts and junior book clubs. I went to skating rinks, arcades, and sleep overs.

When I was a pre teen I hung out with friends, went bike riding with neighborhood kids, and met kids at the Fair Haven State Park all summer long. I was still an active member of girl scouts and was taking both clarinet lessons and chorus. I loved all of it. I loved life and people.

When I was a teenager I played 1st base and shortstop on the girls softball team. I worked as a helper in a local bakery where I was constantly interacting with new people every day. I was in some plays at school too. I enrolled in band class and tried out for solos in chorus. I was an alto in chorus and despite my ability to sing pretty well I was always turned down.

I was an awkward girl who liked wearing grandpa sweaters and argyle socks, suspenders and ties. I had a quirky personality, I was bubbly and outgoing, but not enough I suppose. The typical pretty blonde who was friends with all of the rich kids at school was chosen for everything. She got all the solos in chorus, she got all the best parts in the play. She had all the boys that I liked grovel over her.

As I got halfway through high school people started to hold value in the girl who got picked for everything. They forgot that even though I wasn’t picked first, or chosen for solos, that I was still a fun and friendly person. I was still the same person as I always was, but they forgot that. My friends slowly became too busy for me, so I slowly became too busy for myself.

I started to find new friends, the ones who were also kind of rejected and just hung around with them and their friends even though they smoked pot and drank. I still to this day have never smoked pot, but I did drink occasionally. I became quiet, withdrawn, and stopped going to band and chorus. I dropped out of girl scouts and didn’t rejoin the softball team the following year. I still worked at the bakery but almost completely kept myself out in the kitchen away from the public.

I had started to doubt that I was the fun, friendly person that I had always thought I was. I dropped out of school further secluding myself. I have never fully got that bubbly personality back. It will show itself once in awhile, but not often. I don’t participate in things because I worry people won’t like me. I can’t go to pta meetings for fear that parents will judge me. I don’t allow my kids to join sports or after school activities because I am afraid of having to interact with other parents.

I wish I could be better for them. I wish that I didn’t worry about everything, and that life was easier on my kids. They deserve much better. One day I hope I can be everything my kids need and I am working on it.

I have started going over to a new neighbors home once a week for coffee. We sit and chat for awhile and the kids play together. I have looked for anxiety meetings but can’t find any in my area, but I will keep looking. I am hopeful. But in the meantime I am slowly trying to change myself.

Sorry about this being so long, I just thought it would be good for me to show when my changes began. :). – lacie

Social Media

Life isn’t a social media
It is not measured by likes or shares
You can’t hide the truth behind a filter
And you can’t just cut or crop
Everything you wish wasn’t there
Life is what you make of it
Not what you put in your “About Me”
So I’m going to stop looking for approval
And experience all that there is to see